Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Reaching Inside... and Finding Iron

This situation that has evolved between H and G has completely turned my world inside out over the past 44 days. I have felt every emotion possible, I think... some that were appropriate, and many that were not. I was unpleasantly surprised that I could be hurt so deeply with seeming nonchalance, and that an issue that was so completely heartfelt, so far as I was concerned, was not all that big of a deal to her.

I recognize that I had a very idealized perception of her, of us, and of our relationship. In my mind, I was the sole occupant of her heart, and she loved me so very much and so very deeply that there was no room for anyone else.

By dredging G out of the past, I have been knocked down a few notches and have had the arrogance knocked out of me.

If in fact G would have been H's first choice of a lifelong love and husband, and if in fact I am basically second fiddle, well.... then that's how it is. I will never know for sure.

I have a picture, or... actually more of a movie in my mind of H sitting and poring over diaries, or photos, or letters or all of those things... related to her past love with G. In the vision, she is very sad, and longing for him... longing to have what they once had together. This is an understandable feeling to have from an impersonal and clinical point of view. The part that bothers me is that in my vision or dream or thought or fantasy... or whatever the hell it is, the cards and the candy that I gave her for Valentine's Day are all there.... I can smell the candy, and see the covers on all of the cards.... It isn't as though she were actually surrounded by these things.... it's only a picture in my mind... and I have no idea how accurate those things are.... but, if I am accurate... it is very painful for me to think that so close to Valentine's Day... the day when we celebrate our love together.... whether before, on, or after.... she would feel a need to do this. I don't know where these thoughts come from... but they cause me pain, and make it difficult for me to go through my day without it affecting me. I am a creature of my emotions.
I suppose that if she is still very much in love with him, it makes perfect sense that she would want to think of him on that day.

If I had known that I wasn't ever going to be the sole object of her love, I wonder if I would have acted any differently??

The simple fact is that I don't have any of the answers to any of the questions that I have posed. In fact, I may very well be losing some part of my myself over this, and being at heart a warrior, I simply can no longer allow this to go any further. And I won't.

I went for a long walk last night in the snow, and I did quite a bit of thinking. None of it registered in my mind until today.

I have to either learn to accept the situation that has been given to me and make my way as best I can within those parameters.... Or I have to find a way to change the situation.

Since I cannot change what is in her heart, (nor, truthfully, do I want to... for a variety of reasons), I am left with only one choice.

Choice is what put me here. I chose to let this affect me the way that it did. I chose to see things they way I saw them, and I chose to put meanings to things that I saw, thought, and felt. These are all choices. I can choose to be otherwise, and I do.

So. I am going to have to reach deep down inside, and find what I am truly made of. I have decided to grab ahold of my balls, harden my guts, and get the fuck on with it.

We have whatever we have. It will work or it will not. She is in love with me, or she isn't. And I have no control over any of it.

What I do have control over is how I let it affect me, and how I express my emotions publicly. I vowed to be her husband and to love her whether the situation was good or bad. To support her and to stand by her through thick and thin. And to be there for her... by which I mean that I have to be the best that I can be... at all times.

This soppy, weeping, snivelling coward that I have let myself become these past 44 days has had just about all the time that I can spare. I have things to do.

There are no marriages without difficulties, and if this is the one that has been dropped in my lap, I will deal with it the best way that I know how. Face to face. At least if I should fail I will still be left with my dignity and self-respect.

She can love and lust and long for whoever she damned well chooses. I will take what she gives me and be glad of it. If she is sad for G, then she will have to either deal with it, or make a choice. I'll gladly stand by her, hold her up if she needs it, or give her space if she desires... but it's all her show.

I can only be what I am. I absolve myself of all responsibility for any love that she harbors for G, if any. If she loves him, that is her choice, and it doesn't follow that I am any less of a man for it. Because I know that she also loves me. And I know that I am a good person, a loyal friend, and a committed husband.

She lives with me, shares her life with me, and I am the one who takes her in our bed.

To G I say "You had your chance. She offered you her heart, and you chose not to accept it. You are a fool, but you made your choice. You have a family of your own. Tend to it and leave mine to me. If you cannot do that, then we have some business to attend to..."

To H I say "You have a good husband. A man who loves you. A man who has and will risk everything for you. Recognize it, respect it, and nurture it. Or reject it. You have the power to make the big choices in your life. I will be here at your side, to be whatever you need me to be, and to do whatever you need me to do until I die. Or until you decide that you don't want it to be that way any longer. You need to think about how you feel in my arms, how my kisses make you feel, and what we have shared these past years. I love you. I won't try to change what's in your heart. It's none of my business."

To me I say - Today is the last day that you will ever let a weakness show to any other living creature that walks the face of this earth. If you ever have another urge to snivel over shit that you have no control over... Keep it to your fucking self! I have no interest and no time for it. My life is flying by me faster than I can keep track of. I can't waste any more time snivelling over some bullshit that I may have never had or which isn't lost to begin with. I accept this situation in it's entirety, and I'll work with it and make it become what I need and want it to be.

This is where we find what stuff our marriage is made of. You don't need friends when everthing is going swimmingly. You need friends when everything has fallen apart and the road has become difficult. I'm looking forward to seeing what is behind all the frills and pretty paper. Personally, I think it's guts of steel and iron.

This will be a different blog from here on out. I don't need anybody to feel sorry for me, least of all myself. My life is what I make of it.

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