Snowstorm...

When I got home from work, I was hoping for a night of snuggling, closeness, and romance... I said something that didn't sit right, and basically shot the night to hell... I jumped into the shower to clean up, and when I came out H was working on her blog. I read for a while, and basically could tell that she needed some space, so I went out for a walk. Whenever I'm unsettled, I generally head for the ocean. Something about the sea speaks to me. Especially in the winter, when the water is angry, and raging.
The wind was howling, and it was snowing hard. I listened to George Winston's "December" album on CD until the player froze.
I just stood and watched the water for about an hour. There was a huge flock of sea birds feeding on a run of fish, and I watched them for a while, then headed back home.
The general climate at home goes from very close and very connected to very awkward... H is feeling crowded by me, I think, and is clamoring for some space of her own, so I will do my level best to give it to her...
The snow was beautiful, but I felt very small and alone in the world tonight.... I suppose we are all very small and alone in a way.
I can't think about this stuff anymore... it's killing me. I have to pull back and focus on something else or something.


H asked me if it was this difficult being married before.... The question surprised me.

I had never considered it difficult being married to her at all until G got pulled into the mix. That was the only difficulty that I ever had. She has always been everything I have ever wanted.

I know that I shouldn't... but I cannot help but wonder, if she had complete control over the choice... what she would choose if she were able to either have G, the way she wanted it to be... or me. I don't think I could bear to know that answer....

That's more than enough thinking for me for one evening....