It seems odd to have all this crap going on in my head, and to not have anyone to turn to with whom I can discuss it. Generally, H is my main confidant... I share my thoughts and fears and dreams with her.... in this case, it is basically her choice and her actions (and, admittedly... my own reaction to them....) that is causing me grief. Regardless, it leaves me with nobody to talk to.. since anyone else that would even care to listen, I don't want to discuss this with... it's too personal. So, after having it rattle around in my skull for days, driving me slowly to distraction.... I have decided to put my thoughts down here... (Good plan, huh?? I don't want to discuss this with close friends, so in my cleverness I have decided to go and tell half the world...what the fuck?).
So ladies, what is the deal with having to re-contact an old boyfriend?? I can't help but wonder if I'm slowly becoming boring... and if my days are numbered... or it it's just a thing. One thing I know... either way, it's going to go the way it goes.
The thing is this..... I have never had any problem finding women. But I have never found anyone like H. I am just crazy about her. I want her to feel the same way about me. Although I am more or less whining here....(on the blog, I mean..), I don't actually do that as a matter of course. What is going on in my head of late is definitely fucked-up, I admit.... Intelectually, I think it's stupid, and that I'm acting foolish by having these thoughts and feelings. Emotionally, I feel what I feel. I don't let it drive H crazy... but I do feel myself turning inward and isolating myself. This is a wrinkle that I have developed somewhere along the line... When my feelings get stung, I turn inward... go into my head... and basically just want to stay there. In this case, I don't think it's a great idea, but I still feel myself slowly introverting. Why can't things just stay the way they are sometimes?? I suppose I am doomed to always wondering when the other shoe will drop.
I really wish there was somebody with a level head on their shoulders that I could talk to ... someone who may have reacted the same way that I have been reacting to a similar set of circumstances at some time.
When you fall in love with someone, you really lay your soul open to them. It takes a great deal of balls, and a great deal of faith. I can see how this can really be motherfucker under the wrong circumstances.
On a different note.... I underwent surgery in the beginning of January; a vasectomy. I think it was about ten days later that this whole other thing started happening.... I can't help but wonder if there is some bizarre connection there.... Am I damaged goods now?? Not complete any longer?? Hmmmm..... Everything still works just fine... I wonder if there is some difference in my spirit that I can't detect... or if I am perceived as being somewhat less.... not much to be done about it. No more fishies.
When your best friend is part of the puzzle, who do you turn to for help in solving it?? Is this something that is to be solved?? Is it even an issue anywhere except in my mind? I know that I don't like the thought of H an G sharing some sort of personal pact or agreement... I know that I don't like the thought of them having a relationship from which I am completely excluded... I have always felt like an insider with her... now I feel alien and strange.
I hope I am not secretly some whacked out control freak... seems that I would know. This whole thing is still sort of new and confusing.... hopefully, it will work out over time and we will be stronger for having gone through it.
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