I was miserable tired when the clock went off... I felt like spilled fuck. Dragged my ass out to work... a seminar today. This entails sitting in a chair and listening to some speaker drone on about something that I'm not particularly interested in... which means, essentially, that I end up inside my head. Usually I enjoy this... lately, it is draining...
Naturally, I was thinking about this thing with H and G. I still hate it. And I still feel like an asshole for doing so. I think about any ex that I have... I don't want to go back to them, and I don't want to have sex with them. If I heard news about them, I may or may not be interested depending upon who it was, I suppose... In most cases, I would not be all that interested... The point being; I am not anxious to run into their arms or into their bed. I believe the same is true so far as H is concerned. The part that vexes me, is that I also wouldn't go and look up an ex. I just wouldn't. I don't understand why she is intent upon bringing someone into her life that can only cause problems... what is the benefit? They can't have a normal friendship?? Could this be one of those feminine I want to know if others still find me attractive things??
Why has this taken on such larger than life proportions for me?? I have flags flying up all over the place... to the point where I am, (I'm embarassed to say...pfssht) actually physically reacting to it... adrenaline, elevated heartbeat, the whole thing... it's completely fucking stupid, and yet... here I am...
After all this time, and all that I have experienced and learned... after all of the shit that I have been through, and here I am - acting like a child (at least in my mind).
I am noticing periods of time where I withdraw into myself... periods of time when I am just unaccountably sad. I think this may stem from the fact that I have been harboring these idolized feelings about the relationship... we are special, we are magick, there is no other couple like us... etc. I felt like my feet were on solid ground, and that H had eyes for nobody but me. And now it just feels different. I guess I am feeling the loss of that view or perception.
Serves me right for thinking in those terms to begin with, I suppose....
The simple truth of the matter is that if I were to come to realize that something I was doing was causing H to feel threatened, uncomfortable, or otherwise affected her Kibun (Kibun: Korean word meaning attitude, mood, spiritual wellbing, peace of mind, karma, and many other things... we have no direct translation in english) in a negative fashion; I would stop it immediately. The difficult part of this truth is that H will not. In my opinion, this more or less indicates that there is either a decided inequality in the relationship, or that this is simply a difference between the two of us in how we express our feelings.
When I have met, or even hung out with other past boyfriends, it didn't phase me in the least. Why does this tear at me like this?? I apparently have issues that I have never uncovered before.
Other thoughts:
When I watch people interacting, it occurs to me that nobody is really listening or even interested in what the other person is saying, thinking, or feeling. They more or less just roll over one another... it's pretty disrespectful.
I find that when this is done to me, I don't really feel compelled to share my thoughts or my opinons with those people anymore.... they don't seem to be able to fathom why I have suddenly become so reticent... and I don't feel inclined to explain it, since I don't think it would much matter anyway.
There are some folks who apparently feel that anyone who is different from them is somehow perverse, or idiotic, or lacking in some way... specifically, I happen to have many diverse interests... and a rather unique life experience. I read quite a bit, I have travelled extensively, I speak a few languages, I play a musical instrument, and enjoy diverse music genres, and I involve myself in many activities and interests.... If I should happen to mention something, know something, drop a hint of any sort, I find that a few of the people that I work with pounce on it and attempt to ridicule me or otherwise knock me down a few pegs. I don't honestly feel that this is necessary... I don't think I'm arrogant or cocky... actually, I have been accused of being more than a little self-deprecating... I'm not particularly bothered by this, but I must confess that I am more than a little perplexed and puzzled by it. I feel that any knowledge that I may have in no way diminishes or belittles anyone else's knowlege or experience.
Furthermore, in my opinion, any and all knowledge is good to have. So why on earth would something like this become a burr under someone's saddle, I wonder?? In each case that I can remember clearly, I didn't spout some bit of information in such a way that I was either trying to steal anyone else's thunder or trying to elevate myself in any way... I generally will only mention something if it is either relevant to the topic at hand, and/or otherwise helpful or informative, or, lastly, if somebody asks me a direct question. This seems to be where I find that I get myself into awkward circumstances.
I will be in a room with person A, B, and C, with whom I work... Person D will come in and ask me a question during the course of conversation, and when I answer, A, B, or C will jump on it. This doesn't happen constantly, but enough to make me take notice of it. Strangely, the same people will come to me when they want to know something, or if a question arises for which they have no reference points. So I guess they mustn't think that I'm a complete blithering idiot. In all honesty, I don't think I much give a winged fart if they do... but, it's nice to know anyway.
Conversational Leap #5678a:
I have been browsing through other people's blogs... I am fascinated by the sheer variety... as I am fascinated by how so many are almost identical. There are a few 'flavors' that I'm beginning to recognize. It's sort of cool, all in all. We're all out there, living our lives, doing our thing, getting through each day.... maybe even passing one another by... and here we are sharing, in many cases, extremely intimate thoughts and feelings.
I find that I sometimes let my thoughts wander to the folks whose blogs I have been reading. I wonder what they are like, what they look like, whether or not we would get along if we met... how we are different, how we are the same... I also find that the simple act of starting this blog has forced me to notice what I am feeling/thinking/seeing/doing in ways that are different than before...
I have gotten comments from two readers, so far... I wonder how many of you have actually stopped and read my posts.... how many have popped in, glanced at the page and moved on... and why??
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