Monday, February 21, 2005

Bagpipes, Old Neighborhoods, Romance, Awkward Blurt, and Talking it Out...

We got up Saturday morning, made love all morning, and after getting showered and dressed, went out for breakfast, then headed out on the road to Newark, New Jersey to watch the Metro Cup competition. We arrived at the hotel, checked-in, got our bearings and I saw a guy wearing an 'Airborne' shirt with a pair of jump wings embroidered on it... I asked him what unit he had served in, and he said that he was in the 3rd and 10th Special Forces Groups. I myself had served in 1st Ranger Battalion, and later in 1st Special Forces Group, and I told him so (Specifically in 1st Special Forces Detatchment, Korea, or SF-DET-K). I shook his hand, we introduced ourselves, and then I got down to 'business' and 'coined' him. As it turned out, he had his coin, and this meant that I owed him a drink (if he didn't have it, he would have owed one to me...)(Anyone who is lost here, drop me a comment and I'll explain the whole challenge coin thing... it's a military thing, and specifically an elite forces thing.. or, at least, it used to be...). He said that he would take that drink later on in the evening (Chris was his name, and he was there to observe the Metro Cup Competition as well), and we agreed to meet at the bar later on. With that, H and I decided that we didn't need to be wandering about in the hotel lobby and headed back up to the room to .... kill a little time, in the best way we know how...
It was a very nice afternoon!

We headed down to dinner, I bought Chris his drink, and we went on in and took our seats for the competition. It was fantastic!! I am completely floored by the skill and talent that we were witness to... I just can't!! (I don't know *what* it is that I can't. But I just Can't!!) The pipers that were competing were phenomenal. I am completely motivated, and want to get back to work and start improving my skills once again!!

After the competition, we considered heading into the bar for the post-competition ceilidh (a ceilidh ((pronounced KAY-LEE)) is a party, a celebration, a get together... usually with music played in person by musicians... specifically traditional celtic music... and dancing... drinking, laughing, the whole bit...) We mulled it over for about three seconds, and instead decided to head up to our room to 'kill some more time'.

We woke up when we woke up, this morning (Sunday), and once again, spent the morning making love... it was a very romantic, loving, wonderful morning.

We showered and dressed, packed our stuff and as we were heading out the door, I blurted out something that was extremely ill-timed, and ill-conceived... I asked H if she was still turned on by G. In all honesty, these sorts of insane thoughts have been intruding since this whole thing started out... She didn't really give me an answer.. but instead said that it more or less pissed her off that I would bring that up at such a time. She said it was like somebody puking on her ice-cream cake.

We checked out, and headed back towards the NJ Turnpike, all the while the atmosphere in the vehicle being extremely uncomfortable. I finally broke the silence by spilling my guts about how the whole thing was affecting me. H said.. "I guess this means that I'm not free to have a friend, if that is what I want to do...." I said that it wasn't quite as simple as all that. She said that he was an old friend. I said that that was crap, and that he was an old lover. She said, "How about if I start talking about (Ex's Name - We'll call her 'Splap-Thing' for the purposes of this Blog) all the time?? I replied, "I don't talk to Splap-Thing... I don't miss her, I don't yearn for her, and I didn't contact her!! I got a look at that point.. but no reply.

After a few more miles, I said, "I don't mean to be such a dick about this... and I don't mean to try to control you.. but you have to realize that what you do affects me. I don't like the way I feel about this whole thing, truth be told, but I still feel the way I feel. I try to not let it intrude on our relationship, but it is absolutely driving me out of my tree... and at times, it's going to come out sideways."

She said, "Well, I guess I'll have to write to him and tell him that we can't talk anymore... it isn't fair that you should have to live that way, either...."

And... to my surprise... to my great and complete surprise, I said, "NO!! I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to stop talking to your friend on account of me. It isn't fair, and it isn't right. I guess I am just afraid of losing you... of losing your love. You see, I love you more than you can even guess... and the thought that my wife is very probably attracted to, and possibly still in love with another man just rips my guts out!! I just don't want you to stop loving me, or to think that you are drifting away from me into the arms of another man."

She said, "I'm not going anywhere. I love YOU. YOU are the best person I have ever known. He had his chance. He is a friend. I care about him, and I want to know that he is doing okay. But that's as far as it goes. I would like to think that you trust me enough to to the right thing.

I said, "I'm sorry for being a dick about this whole thing. I don't want you stop talking to your friend on account of me. But I have one request to ask of you..... Please don't hurt me.... " At this point, I could feel tears welling up and spilling down my face, as embarassing and pathetic as that sounds... (luckily, I had on sunglasses, so was spared some degree of dignity...)

She replied, "I won't. You are my heart. I won't hurt you.... I Love You."

I have paraphrased this conversation, and compressed some stuff to make it easier to read and understand for those of you who weren't there... which pretty much takes up the whole kit and kaboodle of you!!

We went to an old diner that my family had traditionally gone to every week when I was little... I hadn't been there in many years. H thought that it was pretty cool that I took her there. We had breakfast, and as it turns out, the waitress knew my grandparents. I took H on a tour of some of my old neighborhoods, my elementary school, and other haunts. She thought that it was cool to be able to see the places that she had heard me talk about over the years.

After that, we got back on the road and headed home. We listened to an audio book all afternoon, and I worked on an embroidery project (Yes... I embroider... among many other things... I'm an odd duck).

While we were making dinner, we discussed the whole H and G thing and really worked a lot of stuff out. While I am still not comfortable about the whole thing, I feel that at least H understands how I feel and now I understand a little better how she feels. Most importantly, we both know that I will support her even if it's in something that I don't completely agree with. Because, well,... that's what we do.

I'm glad I'm married to her. She's the best woman in all of the world. I'm lucky!

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