Hounded...

Disturbing dreams last night... there is a pattern emerging now, it would seem, involving dogs, which is passing strange to me since I love dogs, and always have. I have never had any fear of them, and still don't... so I'm not sure what the dog metaphor is all about. I am sure that I didn't much care for the dream however... it's been rattling about in the basement of my head all day...

H and I apparently own an antique store (in actuality, we do not... it doesn't occur to me to find this at all strange in the dream, however... ). H has somehow procured a dog. It is at once a new dog, and a dog that she has apparently owned for quite some time (don't ask... I don't know.. I'm just relating how the bloody dream went...). If she has owned the dog for a long time, It is a bit dodgy, because I have never seen the dog... though in the dream I am apparently supposed to know that she has it or has had it, and I am expected to be accepting of this (which, in real life I most likely would be.. in the dream, I instantly distrust and dislike the dog. The feeling is mutual - the dog hates me as well -- this is indeed strange, because, as a rule, animals take to me immediately, and me to them. Very rarely does an animal not like me).

The dog is some class of a sled dog or other northern breed.. a malamute, akita, shiba inu, chow, something along those lines... with a reddish coloring and a tail that curls. It is sort of indistinct in my mind, though I was left with an impression of staring, fiercely insane yellowish brown eyes... staring gimlet eyes... like a hungry tiger.

Anyway... in the dream, every time this dog laid eyes on me, it would charge me and attack me.. as I would try to fight it off, H would be haranguing me, telling me to be careful not to hurt or traumatize the dog in any way. The dog wasn't latching on to my clothing, now.. it was ripping pieces of me from my body... wonderfully permanent. (!!!) (Now... I realize that it was just a dream.. but that is now, with the benefit of hindsight... during the dream, I didn't realize that I was dreaming, and this was all very real to me... live and in technicolor!). So, this would happen, over and over... each time the dog would attack me, H would more or less side with the dog, and not be in the slightest bit concerned with me, my safety, or my feelings.

She isn't like that, and I'm sure that she would dive right in to help me if this ever actually happened... but I didn't like the way it made me feel in the dream, and I don't like the way the remembrance of it makes me feel now....

The whole dog thing is very bizarre to me... and so is the antique store. What the fuck is that all about??

I am starting to feel that the conversation/email relationship between H and G is about due to run its course in its present form, which means that I am already waiting for the other shoe to drop in the sense that in my opinion, the initial careful dancing around getting reaquainted bit is probably coming to an end and one or the other may start to want to take this a step further, either by talking on the telephone, or meeting up... I'm not at all ready for this, and, honestly, am afraid that I will freak completely if this comes to pass. I sort of feel wrong in feeling that way... (about bugging out over this...), but I also feel that I am accurate in my assessment of this as something that isn't good for me in any way, shape or form.

The shitty part of the whole thing, is that there isn't really much that I can do about it that wouldn't make things go to shit.

One major fear that I have is that this relationship will continue on, and that it will continue to affect me in such a fashion that I will continue to pull away, introvert, or whatever the hell is going on with me to the extent that I will adversely affect the relationship - in essence, shooting myself in the foot.

This whole emotional business is truly a double-edged sword. I have never felt anything so absolutely wonderful as the way I feel being in love and being loved by H. Conversely, I haven't felt many feelings as fucked up as when I thought that things have been wrong between us...

I have always felt that we were extemely strong together, and that nothing whatsoever would ever be able to come between us. I don't feel that we are falling apart, but I am concerned in light of this whole development with G. I really can't stand this dude. I don't know why, or if I'm being unfair, or what. But I can't. The most fucked up thing is that if I knew that he were in need of help, I would be obligated to help him because H considers him a friend. Imagine that! I would probably feel like kicking myself, but I would still do what I could for him.

A sucker born every minute.... three cheers for Bear's brain!!

So how do I react if they decide to go out as "friends" somewhere?? Lose my motherfucking mind and go completely batshit, over-the-top, apeshit, bananas? (well... apeshit *is* bananas, which is somewhat redundant.. but... well.... ). Garrgargharrgh!! I want to scream.

H notices sometimes that something isn't right with me... she will ask me what's wrong, but I avoid talking about it, because it's the same old situtaion still, she has made known that she is bound to continue along this path... and that she doesn't feel that she is doing anything wrong, just as I have made my feelings about it be known... so, we are at an impasse. I don't want to continuously get into this, to where we are both left feeling isolated and uncomfortable... so I basically avoid answering the question. I won't lie to her, though... if she were to ask me directly if I were upset or bent out of shape as a result of the G situation, I would answer "yes" "absolutely"... which would most likely just tick her off. She doesn't really seem to want to know that I am not happy with this situation. She doesn't seem to want to know how I feel about it at all. She just wants to have this guy in her life in some fashion, and apparently, my feelilngs are somewhat low on the food chain in that regard.... from my point of view, somewhere around phytoplankton... pfshtt!

The reality is, I can't follow her around and check up on her, and I can't control her actions, thoughts, or feelings... nor would I want to. I do wish, however, that my feelings were just a tad higher on the give-a-hairy-rat's-ass-O-meter.

At some point in the future, I will look back on this and either say, "Wow, what an asshole I was.. making such a big deal out of nothing!", or, conversely, I will look back on this and say, "Wow, what an asshole I was.. I saw that whole thing coming and sat there with my thumb up my ass and let it happen, ... what a dick!"

At work, I was somehow elected the Bagel bitch... So now I have to stop on the way to work and pick up a bag of bagels. I feel so very important...

I have just recently gotten over a miserable cold or flu... today I had a customer leaning on the counter, reeking of Vicks, eyes like two pissholes in the snow, sniffling and sucking snot and looking for all the world like the Ebola poster boy. I asked him if he was sick. "Why?!" he demanded to know... I explained that if in fact he was sick, would he mind taking a step back, or at least not leaning into me and coughing and breathing in my face. He got bent out of shape over that and said, accusingly, that if it were his girlfriend leaning on the counter, that I wouldn't say that to her... (what the FUUUUCK does that mean, anyway??). I ensured him that if she were sick, I would most definitely ask her to remover herself and her effluvia from my general vicinity... I explained that I meant in no way to be offensive or insulting, but that I have been getting sick over and over since October, (I don't generally get sick at all... I have been sick constantly since I started this job due to fucksticks like him who don't have the common courtesy to avoid expelling his airborne pathogens into other people's faces....), and that I would very much appreciate it if he would please avoid leaning so that his face was inches from mine.. and that it would most likely be best for both of us. He got somewhat belligerent with me until I basiclly took a step back away from him and just looked at him with the blandest, blankest, most non-threatening stare that I have in my arsenal, at which point he stood up and took a step back. Why on earth couldn't he have done that from the start??? Fuck-knuckle!!

I got a few odd stares from everyone over that, and fully expected to get a basketball sized new asshole reamed for myself, but everyone more or less expressed that they thought that I was well within my rights to ask the guy to back off a little. I felt a bit awkward about the whole thing, but I'll take awkward over coughing and choking my lungs out.

I was in the library today, and there was a woman who was browsing the shelves next to me who was chattering a running commentary of whatever happened to be going through her mind at the time. It was sort of like watching a very small child playing... where they haven't yet learned to internalize their thoughts.... I was mildly fascinated by this, and found it somewhat disturbing... I wonder if she does this constantly, and if she can control what she says... what if she has thoughts that are potentially embarassing were they to be communicated?? !! That could be dicey.... imagine if she would like to shag the friend of her husband that her husband just introduced her to... yikes!!

I have decided that I am grateful that I can't know every thought that H has... While much of her thoughts would undoubtably (undoubtedly? Undoubtably? -- Without a friggin' doubt!!) be interesting to me, I imagine that there are a great many thoughts that I would simply not want to be aware of....

I still have to knock off about twenty ejaculations to be completely fishey-free... then I have to submit a specimen to a lab to be tested, at which time I suppose I will be officially deemed "All Juice and No Seeds!" - I wonder if I'll get a certificate or anything?? It's sort of weird to think that I have to walk into a medical office full of strangers, all of who will know that I basically have just been stretching my noodle to obtain the sample... Man... not too high on the dignity department.

Since about October I have apparently decided, somewhere along the line, that I must eat everything that comes within arms reach. Machine parts, food items, small unattended children, building materials, hazardous chemicals, and just about every other substance or object that I come across... I have probably put on between ten or twenty pounds... obviously, this isn't good. Measures will have to be taken. I don't even want to know what I weigh, it will just depress me. As soon as I can safely get back to the gym and not have to fear ending up with my stones in my socks, I will be happily working hard and sweating my ass off... I need to get back on a training schedule... I feel weird not working out. (I wonder if that has anything at all to do with me losing my mind over this whole H/G issue??) I need endorphins!!