Wrung out...

I think I am going to have to come to terms with a lot of things that most of the rest of the world has already long since understood... H is a living, lusty, vivacious woman... she has eyes, a heart, a brain, and thoughts, desires, and feelings of her own... she is entitled to these, as is everyone else walking the earth. It is her right to think and to feel however she happens to think and to feel.
She married me. She is the one I wake up next to, and the one that is beside me at the end of the day, when all is said and done.
Although it would undoubtedly be the best-case scenario if I were the only one that would ever be the object of her desires and her affections, I have to remind myself that this is the real world, with real people, and not Bear's world where things go according to my plans and wishes. I already know this stuff from an intellectual standpoint, but I must try to internalize them in my heart.
She has broken contact with G. The reason is that I was basically coming apart at the seams over it. I don't think it was fair to her.... I sort of feel that I ran roughshod over her to some degree. I still prefer that some parts of the past be left in the past... but I would rather she had made that choice from some place inside of her than because I was basically becoming a basket case over it.
As for me... well, I am feeling better than I did when I last posted, but I feel wrung out, as though I have been beaten with a cushioned baseball bat and then thrown down the stairs... I am in a different world than when this first all started happening.... my security blanket is gone, and I am somewhat disillusioned. I realize that it probably isn't normal for anybody to the the sole star of anybody else's show... I guess it doesn't really much happen. But I thought that that's the way things were, and now it just feels a little different.
I know that H loves me, and I know that I love her. That hasn't changed a bit, and that's the most important part of all. The rest is all bells and whistles.
I think that I have probably fomented a lot of this by letting myself lose my edge. I have put a few extra pounds on, and am not exactly a pillar of manhood right now. That can change, and I have good reason to be motivated. As for what needs to change inside my head... well, that is going to take time. I think I need to just discipline my brain to move away from things that will tear me up. If I allow myself to, I can rip my own guts out without any help from H or anyone else. I am actually surprised that she chose to end the communication with G. I have never gotten picked for teams, or for anything as a kid, or, honestly, as an adult. Basically, I have come to believe that if a choice was to be made, between me and somebody else... ANYbody else, actually... well, I wasn't getting picked. She picked me.
I let her read this blog last night, so that she would understand what was going on in my head these past weeks. I expected her to think I was fucked up or something. I was nervous about it, but felt that she needed to know where my head was at in order to be able to understand why I was as upset as I was.
When she came downstairs from reading this... she gave me a very long, very warm, very tight hug.
Its the best hug I have had in a long time... and it was the very best part of my day.
I heated some almond oil, and rubbed her hands and her feet with it. She has the most beautiful hands and feet in the world... and I wanted to make her feel as wonderful as that hug made me feel.
I think we are going to be okay now.... marriage has bumpy spots, and this was a bump in the road. She will love G, and have her dreams, and her memories... and perhaps one day she will want to look him up and see how he is doing.
In the meantime, she comes home to me, kisses me, holds me, and makes love to me.
I am happy with that.....

Now another big problem arises... What the hell am I going to write about now??

I'm off to work... it's another day, and, happily, one that won't be crushing me down with all of these awful thoughts and feelings. I'm worn out, and I'm sort of numb... but it feels wonderful after the other.