Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Desolate Dreams...Yearnings....

I am in a large city... I don't know where, but definitely in the U.S. There are military checkpoints at the intersections, and military vehicles and personnel patrolling the streets. There is smoke in the air, and I can smell the acrid odor of cordite.

Somewhere, a building is burning. I see a group of exhausted, dusty people - frightened people, being herded along by a group of soldiers. There are groups of men facing the walls of buildings, with their hands behind their heads, fingers interlaced... being held at gunpoint. Elsewhere, there are groups of folks being held in razor-wire enclosures.

I can hear the crackle of a military radio, and somewhere in the distance, an unseen soldier squeezes off a few shorts bursts of autmatic rifle fire. There are piles of debris here and there, and bony miserable looking cat slinks from the shadow of an alley and dashes under the hulk of a burned out car. What the fuck has happened??!

I don't remember any of this... how did I get here? I was a soldier for years... and now I felt my stomach sour with fear.

Where were my friends and family?... why were these people being detained? I am drawn out of my reverie by a shouted command.

From the back of a truck a heavy machine gun lets loose, and the group of men facing the wall drop to the ground in quick succession... I can tell by the way their bodies go instantly limp, as though someone has cut thier puppet strings.. that they are dead before they hit the ground.

Except for one, who is thrashing and kicking violently. A soldier unholsters a sidearm and approaches the man. At point blank range, he fires two shots into the man's head. There is a fine mist of blood, and a very dark stream of blood gushes from the wounds, and the man convulses once and goes perfectly still. I fancy that I can see the light go out of his eyes.. but I can't.. I'm too far away.

I am shocked to my core.

What the *FUCK* is going on here??!! What have I just witnessed?? I'm outraged by the atrocity that I've just seen, and my powerlessness sends streams of hot tears down my cheeks.

As the soldiers begin to drag the bodies into a pile, I assume for burning on the spot, I back quietly down an alley and crouch in the shadows. No matter how hard I try, I can't remember anything leading up to this... I know that I have to keep out of sight, at least until I can gather more information. I need food, and water, and warm clothing... but that can wait for hours of darkness... right now I need to be hidden. I pry up a sewer grate and climb down, slowly and carefully replacing the grate behind me as quietly as I possibly can. I feel some unseen thing scurry across my hand, and shudder.

Praying that my military experience will get me through this, I climb down into the sewers below until I am standing in armpit deep water. I move along the dark passageway for what feels like hours, occasionally starting at the touch of something against my leg in the water, or the clinging cloying feeling of a spiderweb on my face and hair. I find a broken piece of pipe and spend some time quietly sharpening it on the rough concrete until I am confident that I can put to use as a passable weapon if needed. I find a large plastic milk container with a screw on cap and keep it to use as a canteen, if I can find someplace to clean it and fill it with fresh water. I wander through the sewers, in the dark... freezing at any sound, then moving on again as quietly as I can. I don't know where I'm going, but I feel compelled to keep moving. Finally, I pass a side culvert and see a circle of twilight at the end. Holding my makeshift knife in front of me... and moving in a low crouch, I cautiously move towards the opening. Slowly, I peek out of the opening and feel the world shift slightly...

I see hip roofs, covered in tiles. I climb out and look at my surroundings. I'm in an asian city or town, but I don't know where. It's getting darker, and I manage to climb up and over the retaining wall that the culvert was embedded in, and am pleasantly surprised to see that there are no signs of soldiers. Nothing. Just a sleepy asian town. Streets deserted. Each living compound walled off from the others.... metal gates shut and locked tight.

Somewhere a dog barks mournfully. I can hear the water lapping gently at the foot of the retaining wall. I can't tell if it's a river, a canal, or the sea. I can hear the low, tinny sound of music playing on a radio, I guess, judging from the tinny quality of the speakers. I tuck the shank into my waistband, feeling a bit sheepish now, and discard the milk jug. I need to find someplace to wash this stink off of me. I walk through the streets, looking for a sign that will clue me in as to where I am. I see a bill posted on one of the walls bordering the narrow street that I'm walking along... It's printed in Hangul. So I'm back in Korea! I am profoundly happy to be back! I can't remember coming here, but I feel instantly at home. I find an open gate and quietly step into the compound. There are no lights, and no sound of occupants. I call out, "Yeobo-sayo? Nugu gyesayo??" .... no answer. I try again; "Anyeonghasayo! Ahjeuma?! Adjeushi?! Yeobo-sayo??" Silence. I quietly close the gate behind me, and move to the water spicket and large plastic basin in the middle of the court yard. Removing my clothing, I quickly wash, using the bar of yellow soap left for the purpose, and gasping at the stingingly cold water. I go to work on my clothes, washing as much of the sewer water and filth out of them. Dressing, I search around for something to eat, find nothing, and quietly move back out onto the roadway.... Korea! Why don't I remember the flight over?? I think of the reactions of my friends there when I look them up. How long had it been?? Eighteen years! A long time...

As the sun began to rise, I noticed that I wasn't on a Korean street at all, but walking along a deserted dirt road. It was rutted with high banks on either side. Grayish yellow grass tangled with weeds and dead gray trees here and there. There were old rusted machine parts, and a washing machine in the field to my right. The door was missing from the washing machine, and someone had pulled the drum out of it and it lay off to the side.

Sensing movement off to my left, I froze... Turning my head to look, my knees turned to water. A pack of feral dogs was moving up and spreading out to surround me. I looked around for someplace to run... but it was hopeless. Why hadn't I seen them or heard them before?

I quietly removed the sharpened metal pipe from my waistband and settled myself to wait for the inevitable. I could see thier eyes gleaming. A low growl from one dog and then it gathered it's legs underneath itself and shot at me, coming in low. A tawny streak of lean muscle, gristle, and sharp white slavering teeth. I sidestepped and slashed with the pipe, but missed. The dog was quick. Frightenly quick. I turned to face it just in time to feel it's jaws close on my arm. It felt as though my arm were caught in a piece of machinery. I stabbed at its underside with the sharpened end of the pipe and felt a gout of warm blood cover my hand. I brought my knee up sharply, striking the dog hard in the abdomen. It let go without a sound and fell to the ground, feet kicking.

Suddenly, with a sickening feeling in my stomach, I remembered the other dogs, I turned to face them, but they ignored me, falling on their comrade instead. They were growling and snarling, and the fallen dog began to shriek as they tore into it.

Horrified, I slowly backed away then turned and ran. My legs wouldn't work properly. But I kept on trying. It was like trying to run under water. I put as much distance as I could between myself and the dogs. I knew that they could track me and catch up to me very quickly if they wanted to. I needed to find someplace safe.

Presently, I found myself walking in the fog. Tall bushes were on either side of me. Boxwoods, by the smell. I could see the faint outline of a huge mansion in front of me. As I got closer, I could see that the building had been allowed to deteriorate. It was ominous, but I needed to get inside and away from the dogs.

I felt terrible about the dog I had hurt. I kept hearing it's screams in my mind. With a small shudder, I walked up the steps and tried the front door. It was huge. Double doors, actually, set into an arched vestibule. Bound with huge decorative iron hinges, and a large iron ring as a pull. I stepped into a large room. A huge stairway curved down from both sides, curving towards the center. Behind the balcony above was a large stained-glass window depicting a battle between two races of people. Humanoid, but not human. They were winged and frightening. I looked around. Everything was covered in dust. The curtains and hangings smelled mouldy and musty, and there were dried dead leaves on the marble floor. Something had dragged a dead thing in here, and now it's bones were scattered about. I didn't like this place. I crept through the hallways, which seemed endless. There were stairways that went nowhere, and doors that opened into rooms of every size and description.

At last! I found a door that exited into a garden. It was overgrown, but still beautiful. Overhead the night had cleared, and the sky was filled with stars. I could hear crickets, and smell jasmine and bougainvillea in the air. I followed a stone pathway to a round building with a domed top.

The walls were of columns made of marble separated by archways. I stepped up onto the raised floor and walked along the cloistered walkway circumnavigating the building until I found an entrance.

The floor here was mosaic, but there were rugs and brocaded pillows strewn all about. Gauzy curtains hung everywhere, slowly shifting in the gentle night breeze. There were pigeons or doves perched everywhere, or walking about on the floor. I could here a piano. Someone was playing Pachelbel's Kanon. There were candles lit. Hundreds of candles in large candelabra made of wrought iron.

I moved towards the center of the building, or temple, or whatever it was... Looking up, I saw that the center of the dome was open to the sky. To my surprise, there was not one, but two moons visible. Why hadn't I ever noticed that before, I wondered.... ?? Lowering my gaze, I saw a black man in white tux and tails playing a large grand piano. This brought me up short, a bit. He looked over at me, and nodded once at me, with a small smile, then continued playing as though I wasn't there.

I looked to my right, and spotted an arched doorway, leading down a short flight of stairs to a large room containing a Roman style bath. This place was much larger than I had supposed.

I walked into the room, and felt the warm, fragrant steam all around me. I undressed and got into the water. It was nice and hot, and I closed my eyes and laid my head back against the side of the pool.

I didn't see her approach, but I felt her there. I opened my eyes and saw her standing very close. Beads of water ran down her neck and traced a hypnotic path over her breasts and into her cleavage. She put her arms around my neck and kissed me. A soft, searching kiss. I put my hand on the small of her back and pulled her closer, kissing her deeply. Somehow, we were out of the water, the floor was cushioned, and we where lying together in an embrace.. warm wed kisses, low moans, the feel of her silky soft skin.... Eyes the color of whisky in amber, and a cloud of soft dark hair. I kissed her neck, her breasts... feeling her nipples harden as I kissed and sucked them.... I could feel her soft breasts against my face... smell the wonderful scent of her skin... I kissed her belly... slowly moving lower. Her thighs part for me, and I bury my face in her... kissing, loving, tasting her.... I slowly reach into her, gently, insistenly stroking, while my tongue dances softly... I feel her tighten around my fingers... feel her arch her back, gasp with release....

I wake up. I don't know where I am for a few moments... but then I recognize my own bedroom. My heart is beating a hole in my chest, and I am very, very hard. I turn and look over to where H is asleep next to me... I very much want to reach for her... but I know she feels like crap and needs her sleep. I watch her sleep for a while... listen to her breathing... and slowly move a few strands of hair from her face. I can still smell her and taste her... I want her very badly. I wonder what she is dreaming. I know that I am not often in her dreams... she generally doesn't dream of people that she knows... I think about the string of dreams that I just had, and feel generally uneasy and slightly disturbed. I glance over at the clock... I still have about two hours of sleep left, I am supposed to have 25 to 30 ejaculations after the vasectomy surgery, plus have a specimen examined before I can have unprotected sex without the danger of impregnating her, I consider knocking the count down to 21 or so, but decide I probably can use the sleep more, so I roll over and go back to sleep.

At work, the dreams keep bouncing around in my skull. I think of the comments that I received, and am somewhat surprised that anyone actually reads this thing. I guess I shouldn't be all that much since I read other folks blogs, but I am. I try to interpret the dreams, and the best I can come up with is that I am feeling under seige, displaced, disoriented, and under concerted attack by an enemy with whom I cannot reason. I can't work out the mansion and the temple part... especially the black gentleman playing the piano, though I wish he were real and that I could meet him and hear him play again. The two moons are sort of weird. And I can't do much with the pigeons either.... I liked the sexy part, but still felt sort of uneasy about the whole thing....

I started watching everybody closely today. I always watch closely, although it never seems so, I'll wager. But today was different... I was watching *very* closely... It occurs to me that everybody tells a thousand lies a day, in order to get through the day... and we generally never notice it... we speak the same language, in many cases, and share the same feelings about many things.... but we are actually eternally alone, trapped in our own bodies and minds. All these confused little islands floating around one another, bumping together now and then... but still really just alone. Everyone has their own private place in thier heads, their own dark secrets, and none of the rest of us can ever see that part. I wonder what it would be like if we each had a monitor floating over our heads that displayed our innermost thoughts.....

I look at H when she's doing something else, and wonder at the thoughts that are going on in her mind. I wonder where I fit in. I wonder if the feeling that she feels as love is the same as the feeling that I feel as love... or if they are different.

It occurs to me that I am somewhat resentful, and somewhat not at the same time, at the thought that she knows that her continued contact with G is painful to me, but that she doesn't seem to be the slightest bit concerned about how it affects me. By the same token, I feel that if she were to stop because it was bothering me, that it would only cause her to resent me, and wouldn't change anything anyway because it's what she wants to do.....

I have decided to simply let go and go with the flow and let the days come and go as they do, and just lover her and look out for her and trust her. She loves me and trust her to keep my heart safe from harm. If I get hurt, then I get hurt, and I'll just have to land on my feet and move on to the next thing. These problems are sort of like puzzle boxes, I guess... they are a real pain in the ass, but if you can figure them out, you get a small treasure to keep. You learn something... about life, or yourself, or maybe someone else... I don't know.

Natalya, I tried to answer your email, and I tried to send one to the hotmail address on your blog. It bounced. Thanks for the comment, though! I am very pleasantly surprised that anyone is actually reading my writing. I don't understand why you would be surprised that you look nice. You are a pretty girl judging by your pic. Take another one with you smiling and put that one up!! I would like to see your smile. Lastly, just because you don't see anyone looking at you, doesn't mean that they aren't, you know.... are you blatant when you look at someone you find attractive??? It isn't important that just anyone looks at you or finds you attractive... it's important that the right person does... and if they are the right one for you, they will. I have often found what I was looking for in the most unexpected of places. And usually after I had given up on looking. I think it's sort of a prerequisite that one be happy with themself before others will be. People can sense what goes on in your head and in your heart, ... some better than others.... If you aren't happy with you it comes across.... You are what you are and who you are. You are exactly what you were created to be. What could possibly be wrong with that?? I have seen your photo. There's nothing wrong with the outside. You're a cutie!

Sometimes I feel as though I'm not from here.... I wonder where I was before here?

I'm thinking of putting my photo on this page. I wonder if it's a good idea....

An old man came into the store today. After listening to him for a few minutes, I came to realize that some fuck had really taken this poor bastard to the cleaners. It will cost him about $10,000.00 to fix the problem. An old man. What the fuck is wrong with some people?? How do you sleep at night after fucking somebody over like that??

Even though I have decided not to let the whole H talking with G thing bother me.... I come to realize that it still does....

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