I spent hours writing a huge post last night.... when I read it, I decided that it was way too long, and that It isn't how I wanted to say what I wanted to say anyway.
Basically, this is how I feel: We have the best relationship, and the greatest marriage ever. It is the joy of my life and I don't want to see it ruined, sullied, destroyed, or changed for the worst.
H has stated that contacting G is nothing more than contacting an old friend. Okay, fine.
She also has said that she is now most likely to be somewhat wary of being honest with me in the future after the way that I reacted.
From where I stand, her honesty and the fact that she took steps once she realized how this situation was affecting me, and by extension, us, to protect her hustband and her marriage.
In truth, not one of us actually knows what any other person is truly feeling or thinking. We can summize, guess, analyze, or try to observe... but in the end, we never actually know. We only know what other people show us, and even that is often only a part of the whole picture.
I know that I wasn't the first. I dearly wish to be the last.
Only H knows, in her heart of hearts, what feelings she actually has for G. I have my beliefs, but only she knows. What I want to say is this: If there are still feelings of romantic love, or sexual desire that she is harboring for him, even a trace.... then the conscious act of contacting him constitutes, in my eyes, an act of disloyalty and a breaking of our committment at least to some degreee... in thought, and, perhaps, in deed (by the externalization of that feeling via the act of contacting him...). I have very strong beliefs about this marriage, and in it there is no room for a third love interest... either of mine, or of hers. Period. In this marriage, there is only room for two. Even in our hearts.
If she can honestly say that there is absolutely no feelings such as I have described in her heart. Then I am utterly wrong and she is apparently married to an asshole and a loser for the way that I acted. And I apologize.
If, on the other hand, there is even a trace of those feelings, and my perceptions were correct... then I have a very humble, very polite question to ask of her. (I am grovelling here....)
Please,.... please don't play with fire. Please don't risk our love, and all that we have. Please. Even the smallest step down that road can end in disaster,... and has for so many people. I do trust my wife. I do. But I have so very much to lose if I lose even a small amount of her love that it paralyzes me with fear to even consider it.
I don't expect to have an accident every time I get in a vehicle. But I strap on a seat belt each and every time. I have a responsibility to my wife, you see. I promised that I would never do anything that would jeaopardize my safety, and she promised the same. This extends to the health of our marriage.
I have learned that jealousy can grip my heart as it concerns my wife. She is the absolute love of my life, and I adore her. I know that love doesn't just go away. But we made a conscious choice, freely made... to love one another, as a married couple, and that is to the exclusion of all others.
Diamonds are valuable because they are rare, sand is worthless because of its abundance. Our love is special because we only share it between we two... us, and nobody else. That was our promise: Nobody gets in. NOBODY.
Please, let the magick stay. I believe that we are special. That we are eternal. To think that we are not, even though it may not be realistic, would be one of the saddest realizations in my life.
I know that it hurts to lose parts of the past... but we cannot bring every part of our lives with us.... it just doesn't work. He has chosen not to choose you and the love that you offered... This was his choice. He has a life already... a wife, and children. He has a successful career. He has quite a bit. He doesn't belong in our life. That book was written, and finished. This book is open, and the story is still being written. Please put that book back on the shelf, and help me to continue writing this story. Please. I don't ask you to erase your past... I ask that you let go of it.. just a little bit... and stay here with me... all of you. I need you, and I love you. I have chosen you. I have given everything that I have to give... but I promise you that I will dig down and try to give more... I know you deserve much more than I have to give... Can you not see that you are loved??
I don't want to share. I don't want him to have any special consideration. We have a pact too... and you never even talked to me about this whole thing before you did anything about it... I wasn't even considered. It hurts. I feel lessened, ignored, and betrayed. We are supposed to discuss things that affect us... together. We always find a way to work things out. In this case, if feels as though I was not to be trusted.
If you cannot let go of him... please be honest with me and let me know that you cannot. I have to be the only one in your heart. I need it. If I cannot be, at least let me know so that I can adjust, or decide, or do whatever it is that seems right to do... if anything.
You have a life here with me... we are so much bigger than anything else. Please tell me that our marriage is more important than anything else in all of the world. I need to hear that you wouldn't put anything above us more than I just about anything else.
You are my Angel... my Dream... my reason for getting up each day.... you are my heart and my soul... I just can't bear to be any less to you.... I'm sorry.
I love you more than you will ever know.....
Bear
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