Mathgamhain Nua (Neo-Bear)

At precisely one minute after midnight on the morning of 9 July, two things happened; I turned 50 years old, and I ended my one year life experiment entitled 'Dying Practice' which I have chronicled in my Dying Practice Blog/Journal.

My actual dying practice will only ever really end with my death... as dying is everything leading up to death, and death requires no practice at all.. once I am dead, death will take care of itself.

Until that time, however, every moment is a moment during which I can try to copy my good actions rather than my unskillful ones, or perhaps create new skillful or good actions. By using the terms good/bad, skillful/unskillful, etc., I am, of course falling into the trap of dualism, however, being a human being, and selecting a blog within which I choose to express myself via the medium of words.. I am stuck with words and with all of the associated attributes that come with words.. so, what am I to do with that other than my best?? In any case, 'good' and 'bad' are not making reference to some absolute benchmark, or to something defined by religious doctrine, law, or any other contrived or constructed measure. By good or bad, skillful or unskillful.. I simply mean that, when presented with a moment... or a moment within a moment.. that I am mindful and wise enough to choose the most appropriate response available to me according the to the true function of the moment.

Living authentically and fully is a stream of such choices... every inbreath and every outbreath offers a host of such choices... but, if we focus on this too closely, we become paralyzed by the sheer insurmountability of the myriad details!

So. How do I proceed?

I sleep when I am tired. Eat when I am hungry. Drink when I am thirsty. When I walk.. I just walk.. that's all. When I love, or laugh, or cry, or simply be... I dissolve completely into that moment, and give myself up entirely into it.

This is what I have learned... so, now comes the tough part. I must practice actually doing it... with every breath... without getting stuck... like a stream flowing... or like a silken scarf sliding off the edge of a glass table..

No hesitation.. just respond appropriately to whatever life unfolds.

Ha! What a crock of bullshit!! And yet, I shall try....

I think I can do it... I am new now. And improved!!

I will be sharing my thoughts from here once again from this day onward, and no longer on my Dying Practice Blog.

I wonder if any of you will come back to visit me?

Some advice...

Keep moving forward! NEVER look back!!

..... Somethin' might be gaining on ya!

Surprise!!

I woke up this morning, got dressed, and headed in to work. When I arrived, I walked over to the time-clock to punch in, but, much to my surprise, there was no longer a time-card with my name on it. Strangely, the bin which usually contains all of the blank time-cards was conspicuously empty. (!?!?!)




As I stood there, mulling over the possible ramifications of this situation, one of my more senior co-workers approached, with his best funeral-director face on, and informed me not to punch in (as though I could!!), and to just sit tight for a while, as the owner of the company wanted to talk to a few of us...... (That didn't sound good!).


I stood around like a knob for a while, and then the intercom announced an incoming telephone call for the shop foreman... (this has never happened in all of the time I have been there... so it certainly seemed significant....)




At this point, I send my wife a brief text message over the cell phone, as follows: "Luv U-     Lookin like I may not hav a job       wont know till mike comes in       this sucks"



Sure enough, the foreman went from person to person, had a brief conversation, faces went from surprise, to shock, to sadness... shoulders slumped, and folks headed for their individual work areas and began to collect their belongings..... I knew the axe had fallen when he headed in my direction.




"Mike just called... I really hate to have the be the one to do this... he always does this to me... Well, you don't work here any more... They discussed the situation, we are dead... there isn't any work... and, well, they don't have any need of your services any more.... your last check is in the mail. I'm sorry, I really like you.... Whenever he has to let people go, he disappears, and I am always the one who has to do it...."




So... that was it. No job. Surprise!




I went around and shook everyone's hand, wished them well... packed up my few things, and headed out on the lonely drive home.



Anybody hiring??

Dying Practice

In one month, I intend to begin a year-long 'dying practice'. I have initiate a separate blog in order to explain and chronicle my experiences. Anyone who is interested in following my progress, or in joining me in this practice may view the blog here. The blog is entitled "A Year To Live" and the title is borrowed from the book of the same tite written by Mr. Stephen Levine, from whom I will be drawing much of the material for my practice. I highly recommend the book. I don't intend to go into the why's and wherefore's of the practice on this blog...that is the purpose of the other blog, after all! However, for those of you who may be interested, you are welcome pop on over!

The Harkonnen Kid

I tended bar at a communion today.. it was a decent group of folks, and the shift passed uneventfully... for the most part.

There was a little boy at the party who struck me as slightly... um... psychotic peculiar.

For one thing, he remained aloof from all of the other children, choosing not to play with them, talk to them, or, for that matter, any where near them.

As soon as he walked into the room where the party was being held, he walked directly up to the mirrored post that was actually touching the front corner of my bar, placed his nose against the glass, and began talking to himself.

For the first minute or so, it didn't seem all that strange... it was a 'kid' thing to do....

After about five minutes had passed, it started to seem a bit odd to me, to be honest. To be frank, I began to wish that he would stop that and go away..

I asked him, "See anybody familiar in there?"

He rolled one baleful eye in my direction, fixed a rather bland, lifeless insane uninterested stare on me for a few moments, and, apparently deciding that I did not rate a reply simply returned to his 'conversation'.

He began to wiggle and squirm... all the while talking and whispering to himself at extreme close-up.... then he began to kiss himself...

This sort of put me off.... it seemed disturbing in some vague, non-specific way... (kill your entire family!! Kill them ALL!!) so I decided to turn my attention elsewhere. I busied myself with the myriad tasks of tending bar for a number of people... serving drinks, doing sidework and the constant cleanup and maintenance that is necessary to keep the bar spotless (I like to work behind a clean bar... not a swamp....).

After about 30 minutes or so, I checked on the kid... mostly in the mis-guided hope, I suppose, that he had quit doing whatever the frig that was and had moved on to eat the plastic plants or steal from his granny's purse, or whatever it is that disturbingly weird kids do to pacify themselves... but, sadly, he was still at his post (literally), but now he was licking the mirror and sort of humping the post... this is in full view, mind you, of a room of perhaps one hundred people...

At this point, several small blood vessels in my eyes and brain ruptured and began to bleed and my skin began to crawl... the kid was freakin' me out!!

The party chugged along, with guests dancing, eating, laughing, drinking and socializing... all of the things that one would expect to see happening at a party... and good old Tom (the kid), simply stood there... a scant three feet away from me.... and gave his mirror image a tongue-bath and a good sound humping while he constantly whispered sweet nothings to himself...

I'm not really sure what that whole thing was about, but I am glad that I am not that kid's mirror... stuffed animal... live animal.... or anything else..

I drew a picture of him, which is above. It was drawn with the mouse, so its a wee bit wonky... but its a fair likeness nonetheless... this way, when he appears on CNN after whatever tragic occurrence he orchestrates, you will be able to recognize him!

There. I have done my civic duty; You have been warned.

Goodnight, and thank you for playing!!

Good EVE-en-ing!!

The Jury is Still Out... but...

Upon completing the first full week of work at my new job, I must admit that the jury is still out insofar as my overall pronouncement of judgment is concerned. There are things I like, and things that I am not quite so keen on... All in all I like the job, and, truth be told I am happy to have a job (the bills don't pay themselves!). As far as this job being THE Job?? -- I'm not really sure yet.. I do have a list of pros and cons;

• PRO: The people are calm, proficient, and kind - no need to unravel the intricate knots of office politics here... particularly since, due to the sound of machinery running the entire day, one cannot hear what anyone else is saying unless they are literally closer than arm's length!
• CON: The pay is not really very good as it stands right now.
• PRO: They pay should increase as I learn the skills that will make me a more valuable member of the crew.
• CON: I have no idea how long this timetable of learning and earning will take - and I can ill afford to remain at this pay level for very long...
• PRO: The 'supposed' upward end of the pay scale for this job is pretty decent.
• CON: There is no guarantee that I will ever see this upward end of the pay scale. I can only try.
• PRO: I am more or less left alone to do my work.
• CON: I am required to engage in a constant and intense level of physical activity that I have, apparently, become quite unaccustomed to.. every cell of my body is shrieking in pain.
• PRO: I am on the long upward climb back to a semblance of fitness... I find that I probably don't really need to be sitting on my ass getting fat and out of shape all day... so that I can come home feeling sluggish and sit on the couch where I can get even more fat and more out of shape!
• CON: I am on my feet the entire day.
• PRO: I am burning calories the entire day. (It occurs to me that if I am actually burning calories and expending enough energy to lose a little weight ((which, honestly, I could well afford to lose..)) standing on my feet all day won't be so bad - since I won't be carrying so much weight on them!)
• CON: I am no longer able to attend the early morning sittings at the Zen Center. I quite enjoy starting the work week with meditation practice, and find that the lack of practice leaves a void that I find disturbing.
• PRO: I am busting my ass and hopefully will be in a good position to request permission to come in a wee bit late on practice days at the Zendo.. perhaps I can make up the time or they will simply write it off.
• CON: I feel like a bit of a loser, starting from scratch at this stage of the game. Every job I have taken has seemed like a fantastic opportunity at first... and as time wore on, I came to realize that I had swallowed some line and that there was really no opportunity at all; unless you call a dead-end, go nowhere, be verbally abused and exploited type of position a golden opportunity! Somewhere in the dark, dank, sub-sub-basement of my mind I harbor a suspicion that I have been scammed again, and that I will one day wake up to discover that I am a fool who has dove in hook, line & sinker for another bullshit story... and it doesn't do a great deal for my self-respect, truth be known....
• PRO: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. All I can do is use my best judgment, put forth my best effort, and trust in my boss to reward it. I can always leave and do something else. Maybe trusting in others... even if that trust turns out to be ill-placed, isn't exactly a portrait of my character; after all, I can only know what my senses offer as clues for me to process... and as more and more comes to light, perceptions are adjusted to reflect a more and more accurate picture of the situation. In this case, my best course of action is to do a good job and hope that the needs of the company will match with my needs in a timely fashion. At least for now, I have a place to get up and go to each day... and a paycheck at the end of the week. Hopefully, my body will quickly strengthen and I my energy levels will begin to increase... that's a benefit all by itself!!

So... that is my current assessment of the new job. I realized as I was working in the garden yesterday, under the sunshine, that there was a noticeable lack of dread concerning the Monday morning return to work. In my last position, although I enjoyed the work, and even my stupid cubicle, I had to put up with a great deal of verbal and mental abuse... and it wasn't really all that pleasant.... that is, thankfully (at least for now!), missing at this job; the people are surprisingly congenial and friendly... so I am happy for that. It nearly makes the pay-cut worth it!! (I probably would have paid the money to make the nonsense go away at the last job had I been offered the chance!).

Tomorrow starts a new work week. I am somewhat more comfortable now, I know (more or less) what I am doing and what is expected of me in my little piece of the process, and I don't really mind the prospect of getting up and going to work. This is much better than fighting my sub-conscious inclination to find some excuse to stay home in order to avoid the nastiness and unpleasant dispositions that I knew I was going to be confronted with!

Not too shabby, now that I think about it! HA!

First Day...

I am home from my first day at the new job. The people are very nice, so far.. which is a pleasant surprise...

I had a great deal thrown at me, and unimaginable amounts of stuff to learn yet (I am starting at the bottom of the ladder... this is a new thing entirely for me.. so this was expected).

The job entails a great deal of time spent standing, and a lot of lifting, carrying, bending and stooping... so I am a little smoked; I will have to acclimate to this having spent a good while at a job where I sat in a chair the entire day.

Tomorrow, I expect I will be sore... and Wednesday will probably be worse!! But, this is part of the deal... I have been through this process before (the physical process of acclimating to a higher level of activity), so I know what I can expect... I don't look forward to it, but I am not averse to it either.

The first three months or so will more or less suck, and then it wont be as noticable... all in all, I like the job, and I think I will do okay here... Of course, I am still on the new guy 'honeymoon', so its hard to tell, yet... at first glance, though, I think it will all work out pretty well.

Sunday Morning Thoughts...

I woke up this morning to bright sunshine streaming in through the windows.. the air is unbelievably clear this morning!! Everywhere I look, there are signs of spring, and new life...

This, (naturally, I suppose..) caused me to turn my thoughts to my own new life... well, my new *working* life, anyway; I start my new job tomorrow!

This is all new to me, which is exciting, to some degree...but a little bit stressful (which is probably good.. it lets me know that I am approaching the situation with due seriousness.. or something). I have come to realize, in this month of searching for work, how much times have changed while I was not paying attention. Also, I have come to realize that I have reached an age where my age becomes a wee bit of an issue to some folks... (this struck me as a somewhat unpleasant and un-looked-for surprise!) - the bottom line here folks, is that I can't just waltz into a job so easily... people aren't prepared to hire me simply because I am *me*. I cannot necessarily count on finding a decent job very quickly if I happen to find myself suddenly unemployed... and this situation is unlikely to improve with time.. at least under my present circumstances.

So... to put it lightly, it is a sobering thought.

Accordingly, I am not walking into my new job with a cavalier attitude, at all!! I am taking it quite seriously, and it is my stated intention to remain diligent, to work hard, and to find that balance between pleasing the boss, and not pissing off my co-workers... (not such an easy balance to achieve, I think.. but hopefully, still possible..).

I am very much hoping that I am not walking into yet another situation that appears, on first glance, to be a great job, but which, once the shine wears off, is simply another slog job that is fairly miserable and which will get me absolutely nowhere.. no matter *how* hard I work... or, a job where I am forced to deal with at least one person who has such a hideous control issue that it renders them nearly insufferable.
Rather, I am hoping against all odds that I have finally found a job where the drama is minimal, where I am given the tools, knowledge, and information necessary to excel if I am willing to put forth the effort to do so... and, if I *do* excel, it is recognized, without fanfare, and rewarded appropriately.

Lastly, I am hoping that the crew with whom I will be working will be happy to have me as an addition to the team.. as a welcome and appreciated member... and that they will not resent me, sight unseen, for some unfathomable and indecipherable reason or reasons as has happened at previous jobs... (I don't understand this penchant at all... it seems that so long as someone is willing to do their work and contribute to the group effort, that they would be welcomed at least as a fellow worker.. if not as a friend or social acquaintance... I can appreciate a co-workers efforts, even if that person is not someone with whom I would not generally choose to associate outside of the workplace... its confusing!! Anyway... I suppose I am reacting to this confusion by hoping that I will no longer be confronted with it...)
(Brief Explanation: in my previous job, my co-worker was extremely unpleasant towards me. I was told by other workers that this person reacted negatively to the very concept that an additional position was being created, so, essentially, the prejudicial view was not directed at me personally, but to the position that I would occupy... so, how do you deal with *that*??! Answer: I have no f*cking idea... you suffer, basically... it sucks. Period. -- this is why I am fervently hoping that this situation will not be present in my new job. I have dealt with it for longer than I ever would have hoped to in my lifetime.)

I expect to be starting at the bottom rung of the ladder, and I am cool with that... I don't mind paying my dues... actually, I prefer it, particularly if every other member of the crew had to do so... in this way, I remain on an equal footing with everyone else and avoid the resentment that would otherwise be generated. Also, by working hard and by dealing with the challenging bits without complaint, I am afforded a chance to show my mettle, and to earn some measure of respect. This was how it worked in an infantry squad, and I am fairly sure that this translates very well to any group of workers; New Guy gets the crap jobs... and is watched and evaluated under those circumstances... if he does well, he is moved on to bigger and better things... The good side of the crap jobs is that they are generally fairly cut and dried; you don't have to go crazy trying to figure out what it is that you have to do... clean up the stuff, carry the heavy shit.. etc. -- So long as you don't mind busting your ass, you can find a measure of peace in the work. This is a *good* thing!

At any rate, I have all of today to relax, to collect my thoughts, and to enjoy simply *being*. Tomorrow I start my new job, and I can look forward to learning a great deal, and, hopefully, to a whole bunch of new challenges.

Bring it on!

So... Now What??

I am sitting on the precipice of a new career.... again!! ... it is that moment when one set of routines is ended... most of what is familiar is gone... and I will be walking into an entirely new set of circumstances.

This is not a case of leaving one office job, one desk, one computer, file cabinet, phone, and whatnot and walking into another different, but similar office job... with a desk, and a computer... a file cabinet, phone... and all the other crap that is essentially the same wherever you go.

I am starting an *entirely* different career field... I will be training, as an apprentice, learning a skill... I will be working in a shop, and not at an office...

This is not entirely unprecedented, as I have worked in a great variety of different occupations, and have learned to quickly adapt to whatever set of circumstances I am confronted with...

... and yet..

Here I stand... not knowing what to expect... not knowing what will happen... what my days will be like... what sort of routine I will follow.... nothing!! I find myself in that strange drunkard's tightrope walk between freedom and the excitement of new things to come; and fear of the unknown and a shrieking, helpless plummet into certain death!! It is exhilarating....in a way... certainly thought provoking... and it most definitely stirs my curiosity!

... but the cynical part of my brain simply wonders what sort of shit I will ultimately be forced to deal with.... what sort of people I will be working with, and whether there will be problems and issues, or whether it will go swimmingly well... I find myself wondering if I am falling for some load of crap, and will find myself shaking my head and wondering how I could have been such a sucker... and simultaneously hoping that it will be *the job* that I hope it is.. and that all of the hopes that I have will be realized; that I will be judged solely upon my performance... that hard work will be recognized and rewarded, and that I am limited only by my own reluctance to put forth effort to succeed.

Hope is a funny thing... I remember seeing a show on one of the Geek channels where a former interrogator from the KGB was being interviewed. It seems that this particular chap was responsible for eliciting a huge number of confessions from suspected spies... all of whom were subsequently executed for their crimes. Although some interrogators certainly used torture or other unsavory methods of obtaining confessions, it was submitted that our man did not, in fact, resort to such measures.

The interviewer, incredulous at this claim that such a huge number of otherwise intelligent and self-protective individuals would willingly confess to crimes that would most certainly be punished by a firing squad would agree to set down, on paper -- to memorialize treasonous crimes that they had perpetrated, and towards which their government took an exceedingly dim view.. to this man who quietly asserted that he did no more than engage these suspects in conversation.. that he never so much as deprived them of sleep, insulted them.. or even raised his voice to them!!

The interviewer asked whether this former KGB interrogator would care to explain how he so successfully pursued his goals... and was, thereby, instrumental in the deaths of hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals?

The former KGB man cleared his throat, and very quietly explained that he would simply outline the nature of the crime that the accused was facing...explaining that they would almost certainly be executed. He said that he told each of them that there was essentially no chance of avoiding this fate... that they could pretty much count on facing a firing squad for their crimes. He would then say to them that, even though he did not feel that his influence would help them in any way, that if they wished, they could cooperate fully, throw themselves at the mercy of the court or tribunal, and that he would promise to inform the judge that they had given him their full cooperation. He admitted that, although he didn't think it would make any difference, it was really the only avenue that was available to them. In every single case... 100% of the time... the subjects gave him a full written confession... and were then found guilty, sentenced to death... and executed.

When the interviewer... after a brief, but awkward, silence, asked whether the interrogator had any idea why people would do this... essentially sign their own death warrant by admitting to capital crimes... so reliably; in fact, in every single instance!! His answer to this was, very simply, "There are no upward limits to the capacity for hope in human beings. They harbored a hope that they would somehow escape their fate, and they were willing to try any possible method afforded them to do so."

Facing certain death... they so hoped for reprieve that they were willing to try anything at all... and he gave them just one option; and so they took it, thereby sealing their fate. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.!

Obviously, it is my concern that my hope may be blinding me to the reality of my circumstances...

Since we have not yet found a method by which we can reliably look into the future and prognosticate events that are yet to come... I am left with the conventional method; Going forth into the unknown.. and experiencing whatever the moment unfolds to me.

And I find that I *still* hope that it will work out well for me.....

I went to meet my wife for lunch today... she is going away for the weekend to visit her sister, and it was last time that I will see her until she returns, since I will be working my second job when she arrives home from work, changes her clothes, packs her suitcase, and heads out to the airport. I won't return home until she is already at her destination....

.. as we ate our lunch, we discussed our day with one another, and the conversation turned to the various penchants and idiosyncrasies of those that we work for, and with... we pointed out, with ironic.. and sometimes black humor.. the strange issues and habits of former (and in her case.. current) bosses... co-workers, clients.. etc.

Why *do* people act in ways that are almost certainly not in the best interest of themselves or of the company??

I had a boss who would spend literally 20 to 30 minutes railing and ranting at me for asking a question that wasted no more than 15 seconds of his time!! It may be that my question was ill thought... or that it was a superfluous or otherwise unnecessary question (it/they wasn't/weren't!!) - but, it would stand to reason that if I am asking, I need to know!! I need to know not for my own interests and gain... but in order for me to perform my duties and responsibilities which are beneficial to everyone... since a business that is not performing properly will not long remain in business... and nobody will, consequently, have a place to work any longer!!

She has a boss that is deliberately antagonistic to the new employees in the company... and then he is somewhat mystified when they leave within a relatively short period of time...

I can go on... but everyone has experienced various examples of this type of behavior.

It seems somehow dreary and gloomy to my mind that we are forced by a necessity to earn a living, to have to deal with the neuroticisms, narcissism, control and/or power issues, obsessions, quirks, peeves, rudeness, cruelty and other random effluvia of other people's minds and lives. It is mildly depressing, actually... if I let myself focus on it... because it seems that no matter where you work, you have to deal with someone else's weirdness and someone else's shit! (as if our own bullshit isn't enough to have to deal with!!)

I suppose it is just part of the price of getting by... and since we can't much change it... those of us who are forced to work in a one-down sort of position, anyway.... we have to learn to accept it, and to find a measure of peace with it... or resolve ourselves to being unsatisfied, frustrated, and miserable.

Naturally, neither of us pose these questions with any realistic hope of actually getting or finding an answer... and even if we did, I don't think it would much matter!! -- i.e., Q: "Why are you being such a dick??" A: "Because I can. Feel better now??"

It was more of a way of expressing our thoughts and feelings about this difficulty that we share with so many other folks.. and perhaps finding a way to laugh at it.

Nonetheless.... standing here, on the cusp of a new era in my life, I find myself smack in the middle between Unlimited Hope... and fear of the underlying realities that I may be called upon to face.

All in all, I am looking forward to getting started.

This weekend will be for me, more or less... a contemplative retreat. I may write... I may sit... I may walk... but I will most certainly be silent... and spending much.. if not most.. of the time within the confines of my own head.

It is my plan to do my utmost to succeed at this new position. I want to learn and advance as rapidly as I am capable of doing... I want to increase my income potential to maximum extent possible, in the shortest possible time...and I *so* dearly hope that this is a legitimate situation, in which my efforts will result in some measure of success for me...rather than bitter disappointment, or fruitless efforts... I just want to do a great job, and be fairly compensated for doing so... rather than unfairly ridiculed or belittled by some abusive asshole with an inferiority complex.. To my mind, when I shake somebody's hand and accept a position, I am making a bargain... giving my word... that I will see to the interests of the company as though they were my own (well... they are, in a way!!), that I will be honest, reliable, dutiful, meticulous, and that I will do what I must to ensure that the job gets done in a timely and efficient manner. The other side of this two-way street is that I will be paid for my efforts, treated with at least a modicum of respect and courtesy, that I will not be unnecessarily exposed to danger or injurious circumstances, that I will not be asked to violate the law, and that I will be recognized for my efforts and promoted or compensated for them when such promotion or increased compensation is warranted and/or possible. I don't think it is a great deal to hope for, all things considered...

Wow... it's like I see it almost as a real JOB or something!!

In any case... I needed work, and I have found it. So.. I am happy with that....

Monday is a new beginning for me... I find myself wondering what will happen next?? Its sort of exciting, when you stop to think about it!!

Gainful Employment

Update - I received a job offer today for the position that I was vacillating about in my previous post. I have accepted, and start on Monday morning.

It came just in time, too...... that was a close one!