This isn't going to be a post like the others... not completely. It will be mostly about the same subject that's been preoccuping my life lately, but, unlike the others, I feel no desire to try to be funny or flippant about any of this.
This post will be very honest... but not very upbeat at all. In the event you don't want to read something along those lines... you should perhaps stop reading this now.
This blog, at its heart, is mainly an outlet for my feelings. Feelings that I cannot express in any other way without costing H a great deal, emotionally.... I can't express them healthily, and I know that it isn't wise to bottle them up... so where do I turn?? I have chosen this venue, even though most likely nobody will read this.
Basically, I am pretty much at the end of my rope. I just don't know what to do, or where to turn... I have painted myself into a corner by being a total fool. I don't think I have ever felt so utterly sad and completely beaten down as I do today....
You see, I am now completely convinced that my wife is still in love, at least in part, with G. She will never be able to admit this to me... and I don't blame her for that.... She knows that it would kill me.... but, what she doesn't know is that I know it anyway, and it is killing me regardless...
As I have said in earlier posts, I have a very peculiar talent, although I have come to view it more as a curse these past months and weeks, in that I am able to discern a great deal, a phenomenal amount, truth be told, about a person's inner thoughts and feelings by observing them over time.... it's not any kind of psychic ability, I make no claims to that whatsoever.... although it has seemed so to others from time to time... You see, I have somehow learned, not deliberately, to watch people very, very closely, and to be able to put extremely small details away in my mind, as in a file, until such time as all of the various details form a cohesive picture in my mind. My mind works constantly on these details in the background, no matter what else I may be doing. At some point, the pieces drop into place.. in days, months, maybe even years.. but sooner or later, they usually do... and I am able to form extremely accurate conclusions based upon the totality of circumstances; my observations, facts that I have come to know, what I am told, or not told, a million different things.... As unlikely as it may sound, it is nevertheless true.... The better I know someone, the more I am able to fathom their thoughts, and their emotions.... and I know my wife fairly well....
I love her, you see.... fiercely, strongly, and everlastingly... she is my heart, my soul, my universe... I love her to the exclusion of all others, and with every fiber of my being.... I can't help it.... I just love her from the depths of my soul... she is my dream, my angel, my lover, everything to me.... she is the only thing in my life that is truly important to me.... and, as it turns out, this is the root of a great deal of pain for me these past weeks.
I want to make it clear to whoever reads this that I do not blame her in any way for anything that is going on, either factually, or within my heart or my mind.... this entire problem is of my own doing. I have idealized this relationship and created a perception of her that is, after all, perhaps more than any human is capable of living up to. Having said that, I am not at all sure how to fix it, or where to start....
I fell in love with her 16 years ago, and have loved her unfailingly every single day of my life since then... and I will love her until the day of my death,... perhaps beyond it if that turns out to be possible.
The problem, at least for me, is that she fell deeply in love with a married man, years ago, before we were ever together. He broke her heart, and messed her up, I think. She is a strong girl, and very smart, but she has a loving heart, and I think he hurt it more than I ever realized. She doesn't blame him for this. And, honestly, it isn't my place to blame anyone. I don't know the whole story, though I know more than either of them probably suspects that I do... not from prying, because I don't... but from simply watching, listening, and remembering... my heart and my brain put it together for me, and then I know....
My heart and my brain.... these are the real problems. I have been blessed, or, maybe it isn't such a blessing... with an extremely high intellect. It's nothing to be especially proud of, since I didn't actually accomplish anything to get it... I was born that way. I was also born with a very, very sensitive heart.... the emotional part, not the muscle.... I have the heart version of a glass jaw... I hate having my feelings hurt,... and it seems that everyone that I love and trust ends up crushing me eventually.... my fault, I have to admit... but it still hurts me.
When I first fell in love with my wife, many years ago... I actually feared her and avoided letting any type of relationship form between us any more than a very close friendship, which we had... the reason being that I recognized that If I were to give her my heart, she would be able to destroy it very easily....beause I would love her so strongly, and give of myself so completely, that I would be left naked and vulnerable as a result. Many years went by before we ever actually got together... partly because of my fear, and partly because of circumstances.
When we did finally find one another again... it was like magick! We got together on the night of the last eclipse of the milennium... and god did I fall for her.... utterly and completely.... I was hers body, mind, and soul from the first moment....as I am at this very moment, and will remain.
She may have subconsciously tried to let me know what danger I would face one day... because she sent me a URL to a list that she was posting to, obstensively to appreciate her sense of humor.... and as I read through the pages, and went back through time in the archives on the site, I found posts of hers stating that G was the love of her life, and outlining how much she loved him. It stung me badly, but we got over it, and moved on... or that's how it felt to me.
She told me about him, I knew him already, by the way.... and she contacted him and told him that she had fallen in love with me, and that she would not be contacting him any longer. I could tell even then that he was very special to her, but I was so consumed by her that I was ready to overlook anything if it meant that I could be with her... feel her arms around me, taste her beaufiful kisses, and drown in her eyes.....
It has been years since then.... we married a couple of years ago... and I have been so very happy....
My wedding day was the single happiest day in my life. Today is perhaps the saddest..... and I don't really know why... not really. Not when I try to get down to it.....
I was so happy, and so proud to marry her. She made me feel so desirable, like she loved me with every ounce that was in her.... I felt like the luckiest man in the world. I was so arrogant, so sure of her total love and commitment... I guess it's a joke of the gods to knock me back down into the mud... I feel so foolish....
She told me about contacting G, as I have outlined in earlier posts, but what she didn't know, and doesn't know, is that I already knew... I knew before she told me... and I knew it was coming before she ever hit a key on the keyboard.... you may think that I'm off my nut, but I'm telling the truth as I know it. I knew.
Her attitude towards me would change at times... she seemed resentful or slightly angry with me.... I knew that she was dreaming about him, I can feel it... I know it sounds insane, but I can... I cannot articulate what it is that I am observing or sensing, but I definitely knew... she would be sad after those dreams, but she wouldn't discuss it with me. She would try to keep it to herself... or pass it off as something else.... I knew that it would out eventually, but I prayed that it wouldn't.... I don't actually know what she was dreaming, and I never have asked. But, my heart tells me that I am right. All of the pieces fit too well for me to be too far off... though I wish more than I can say that I am wrong, I don't think that I am.
I don't know for sure, and I'm not even sure where this comes from, but I suspect that at times, when I'm not at home and she is, that she takes out old photos, or letters, or perhaps something that she or he may have written, concerning G, or their relationship.... if any of it even exists... I have never seen it, but I have a clear picture in my mind of her sitting, and looking through these things, running her fingers over the photos, or the pages, and pining for him.... missing him, yearning for him.... wanting to feel his kisses, his hands on her, him inside of her... I don't know..... It's completely crazy, but I am about 90% sure that I am on the money here.... I wish I weren't. But I am.
I think she would get sort of resentful towards me for intruding on these thoughts and feelings. Understandable. Everybody needs their space. So I have never said anything about it. It would be obnoxious and intrusive to say any of this.... I wouldn't like it, right or wrong.
She recently related a dream to me, of a blond haired hippie... a boy. She was in a vehicle with him and some other folks. She told me that there was an 'attraction' right away.... that is what she told me with her words.... But, with her body - her pupils, the flush of her skin... the cast of her head, her hands, and a million other minute details she told me that she was falling in love with him... it was a dream, but, this is what I could see by looking at her.... she ached for him, sexually. She wanted to put her hands all over him,... feel his skin, his hair, feel him inside of her... make love to him, love him, lose herself in him.... what happened in the dream is that she suddenly noticed that she was wearing her wedding ring and her engagement ring. They were in a hotel room, starting to make love when this took place.... she said that she was married and that she couldn't do what they were doing, and they stopped. She said that afterwards, she noticed a prison number tattooed on his neck, and she noticed that he looked older than she had originally thought that he was.... and she suspected that he had been in the military.
I interpret this dream, (admitedlly, I am no expert at this...) I think I am most likely wrong in many ways, maybe in all, but I suspect that I may not be all that far from the mark, either... I think that he represented the sexual and emotional freedom that she had in the past, and that the taking notice of the rings at the last moment represented how marriage has tied her down and prevented her in many ways from exercising that freedom. I think the prison number is indicative of the imprisoning, cloying, clinging, and confining feelings that she may be feeling since getting married. Or towards me... since I am the one that most represents the confinement, I guess. I don't want to be that... but I guess I still am...
I have no idea if a dream even means anything at all.... what I do know is that she never, ever dreams of me.... She is my dream... she is in most of my dreams. I sometimes wonder if that is because on some level I was maybe never accepted as being a bonafide part of her life deep down in her subconscious mind. I hope that that isn't so... but, it has crossed my mind..... perhaps I think too much.
I know that she dreams of G, and that it breaks her heart. How do I know?? I can't say. I just know it. He, conversely, undoubtedly *IS* a part of her life.... a lifelong, never-ending, cherished part. They have a pact to always look one another up and see how each other is faring. Understandable. Love doesn't just go away, and friendships are important. But we had a pact too.... "Nobody gets in!", meaning that we would never let another living soul come between us. I feel as though that pact has been broken... at least to some degree. It dismays me. And it makes me very, very sad... I feel that something has been taken from me... that I am a fool, a dupe, a sucker....
I know that the last post was all upbeat. And so I felt. We had a wonderful weekend together, and at least on the surface, everything felt great... but underneath, things were apparently roiling in my mind, and in my heart.
I have a new wrinkle lately... it's pretty weird, and I can't explain it, but I can describe it. When I go to sleep, I wake up at some point, it feels as though from a sound sleep to me, crying. Sobbing, actually. I feel as though my lungs are constricted and I can't draw a breath. It scares me a little, because it's never happened before. I don't know what the hell is going on with me... but I know that it isn't right, whatever it is. It started not long after this whole issue with G, so I am making a leap and a bound and drawing a conclusion that they are somehow related. I generally get out of the bed as quickly and as quietly as possible and go elsewhere until it subsides, and then I go back to sleep.
Last night, I inadvertently woke H doing this. She sounded frightened and concerned, at first... and then annoyed and angry with me. At one point she said that she was freaked out and then asked me if I was hearing voices. I was extremely offended at that, and moved downstairs to the couch. I have to say this; I would never, ever, under any circumstances, ever raise my hand to her, or hurt her in any way, shape or form. I resent the suggestion, no matter from who, that I might. I may break down and cry my eyes out. I may run from her and put as much distance as I can between us if she ever betrayed me... but I would never harm her. I couldn't believe that she had said that to me. You see, if the tables were turned, and I woke up to find her crying or upset in any way, my first, middle, and last thought would be to comfort her, and to try to fix whatever was wrong. At the very least, I would hold her and comfort her, even if I didn't understand exactly what the issue was. I wouldn't get angry, annoyed, or miffed by her being upset. I admit that I am much more likely to be upset than she is, but I still maintain that I would act the same way, regardless. If she were that upset over something that I were doing, or failing to do, regardless of whether it was my right to do it or no.... I would cease doing whatever it was, or do whatever it was that was necessary to restore her peace of mind. I think that it may be too much to expect that out of others, and, in all fairness, I shouldn't... but it *is* what I would do.... where she is concerned, nothing comes before her..... period.
She came down stairs and asked me to come back upstairs to bed, which I did... but I didn't feel comfortable, and I didn't really sleep all night long... at one point I drifted off and dreamed that I was swimming..... I let myself slip beneath the waves, and I could see as though I were looking, and floating through air instead of water.... and I didn't seem to need to breathe.... it was very peaceful... and very restful. We just watched the movie "Open Water" on video a few days ago, and the girl did just that... slipped beneath the waves... so I suppose that that is where that dream emanated from....
When were were laying in the bed, we discussed the G situation. She was angry and resentful, and said that she wasn't free to do what she wanted, or to have a friend. She kept saying that talking to G was simply looking up an old friend, and drawing parallels between other old friends that she has looked up...but the comparison wasn't at all valid from my viewpoint. I told her that in my opinion, she had fallen in love with him, it had ended without proper closure for her, and I suspected, or actually knew, that she was either still in love with him, or at least still loved him. She denied that, though her pupillary dilation, and the flush of her skin and facial expression, and a host of other things, disagreed with her words.... she is still in love with him, or, at the very least, she loves him....dearly. And she cannot be blamed for what she feels in her heart.
The difficult part for me is that all I really have ever wanted..... ALL that I have ever wanted... is to be completely loved by her.... I want to be the star of her show, and the sole target of her affections.... just as she is of mine. I don't know if it is an unreasonable desire, but I want it more than anything in the world... and, it appears that it is something that she cannot give. At least a part of her loves G. Very much.
Some people would say to me that I should be happy to have the love that I *do* have... and I am. I very much am. But what I must answer is this;
In my mind. And apparently, erroneously. I have constructed a perception of her love. An idealized, larger than life, magickal, and, I suppose, unrealisticly expectant view of her loving only me, with all of her heart.... wanting nobody else, loving nobody else, and giving all of herself to me for all time. I can honestly say that this IS how I feel about her. Completely. There is no other person in my life, in my heart, in my desires, or in my dreams... only my beautiful wife.
I am coming to realize that I may have been putting way too much of a demand on her. And I now recognize that it isn't fair. But no matter what my brain tells me, my heart still wants just that. And nothing less.
I have also come to realize, to my dismay and to my bitter disappointment, that I have given my heart to her, and that she can destroy me without even realizing it. She feels that she has a right to pursue her own happiness, to contact whoever she feels like contacting, and to maintain a relationship with whomever she pleases.... even though it may cause me a great deal of pain. She is right, of course. She does have that right. What she also has, is a responibility.... because whatever she does affects not only her... but me, as well. I don't want to tie her down. I don't want to cling to her or confine her in any way.... I just want to love her. I also want her to love me.
She has unknowingly broken my heart. Something is dead and broken inside. I am sadder than I can ever remember being.... she said to me that nothing has changed. That she loves me the very same as she has always loved me. I'm not sure if that means that she loves me exactly the way I have always perceived, and that her loving or caring for G isn't even a blip on the radar, or that I have simply misinterpreted the relationship completely, and that I have never actually been top of the list.
Of course, if you really look at this situation, she would be happy with the way things are because she gets the best of both worlds, and no door is completely closed to her. She is in contact with G, however appropriately, and she is married and living with me. If things were to go differently, he is right there... would they discuss our marital problems?? Would she tell him things about me?? I don't know... I don't think so.... I know that I wouldn't if it were me, and we have talked about this circumstance, in general terms, and have agreed that neither of us would ever discuss this sort of thing with anyone outside of the marriage.
Would it escalate into an affair?? Would she come to despise me for being an obstacle to her... or am I simply a complete asshole who has everything that he ever wanted and is making a huge thing over nothing?? I have to deal with the worst case scenario while hoping for the best... because its the worst case scenario that will hurt me.... of course, I can't avoid it if that is where its going to go.... if she wants to have a relationship elsewhere, she can... and I can't stop her. I pray that she will be happy with me... though I can't imagine how anyone could be at all happy with me the way I have been acting out lately.... I'm driving her out of her mind, and acting like a lunatic... and I don't know why!!
That is understandable, actually. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, god knows. Nor am I the best. I'm just me, and, upon closer inspection... it doesn't honestly seem like very much to be......
G was exiting... there was planning, and passion, and sneaking around. Forbidden love and forbidden sex... and he chose not to leave his life, his wife, his children... and he chose not to make a life with her. And it broke her heart.
She has said to me, "I married YOU." "I'm with YOU". What is not being said, and what is also an unavoidable truth is that she had no say in whether she could have married him. I don't doubt as I sit here today that she would have married him and made a life with him in a second, had the opportunity availed itself. He was the love of her life. What I will now wonder, for all of my life.... or, until it should happen, if that were to ever take place.... is what she would do were he to leave his wife and kids, and contact her and say, "Come to me. Marry me. Make a life with me." What would she choose, really?? Would she stay with me?? Or would she leave and go to him?? I would like, I would LOVE to know in my heart that she would stay with me... and that it would be what she most wanted in all of the world... but it seems to me that she missed him terribly all these years... and was finally moved to contact him to know how he was doing, and to have him back in her life... at least in some form, in some way, in some small measure... for how ever long that would turn out to be.
Nobody is ever driven to contact me... to have me back in their life. To know how I am doing. I'm not particulary needful of that... in fact, I don't want it... but, nevertheless, nobody has ever loved me enough to want to even try....
I can't help but wonder what it is about him that is so much better than me. He speaks to her, touches her, moves her... deep down in her soul.
It haunts me to think that all this time I may have been the booby prize. Second choice. Someone acceptable to settle for. She couldn't have what she wanted most, so she took me. Maybe it was an effort to make him realize what he was losing, and bring him back to her arms. I don't think that this is so. She isn't cruel, she isn't mean, and she isn't hurtful. She can be a little bit selfish at times, though, when pursuing her heart's dreams, as any of us can... as, indeed, I am being right this moment. I don't know if any of my suppositions are true. I don't think that they are.... I truly believe that H loves me, and that she is in love with me.... but it is also quite apparent to me that I am not enough to be the only one in her heart. No matter how fervently I wish it.... I'm just not. That is my hard cold reality.
The truly sad reality for me is that there is absolutely nothing that I can do about that.
She used to look at me with a look that melted my soul. Once in a while I see that look, but not like before. I guess she has grown a little tired of me perhaps... I suppose it's bound to happen to the best of us. Though I have never grown tired of her. Not one bit. Back then, I could see how she wanted me... hungered for me... but over the past months... maybe years... that has tapered off somewhat.... There are many plausible reasons for this.... there always are. That's what makes these situations so very complicated. I now wonder if the passion that she felt for him was projected onto me... if, in fact, I have been found at long last to be wanting....
She cannot tell me that I'm the only one that she is in love with... or she won't. I guess it wouldn't be true. She says that I can't expect her to erase her past, that I wasn't the first love in her life. I don't expect her to erase her past. But I do wish that she would leave the past in the past and live in the present with me. She says that I crowd her and that she needs space. I don't feel that I need space from her.... I crave her. I desire her. I look forward to time with her as though it were water in the desert... I don't have any other loves to make room for, though... so, maybe its just different. Its apparently something that I am going to have to learn to accept. She deserves that bit of respect from me. She's a good egg. She really is. She deserves so very much that I'm not able to give to her... I wish that I could. I know that I'm not the best catch out there. But I also know that nobody could ever love her half as much as I do. I guess if she really loves someone else, that doesn't amount to much, though...
I tried so hard to not let this affect me in this way. I wanted to be understanding. I wanted to be supportive. Intellectually, I am. I still am. But in my heart, I was torn apart. My whole world feels as though it has been ripped out from under me... I feel weak. Weak in soul, weak in mind - for not being able to accept this. Admittedly, flags were flying up all over the place... I instinctively know that this is a danger area for me... and for us. I also know that there is nothing that I can do to change it. If in fact she is in love with G, then that is how she feels, and there can be no blame in that. It is the worst news of all for me... because she is my entire world. But, we love who we love. She said that I should have let her know that it was affecting me this way. The truth is that I did tell her. In plain words, in actions, in tears, every way that I knew how... but she didn't want to hear that. She didn't want that obstacle to be in her path. I understand her feelings, she wants to be able to have it all there, in a way that it doesn't make anyone unhappy, and nobody gets hurt. In a way that she can get what she wants or needs without taking anything away from me or anyone else... I know that's how she would want it. She is kind. To a fault. But, in this case, I don't think that it's possible... at least I am coming to feel that it isn't... because I definitely feel as though something has been taken from me, my wife's total and complete love, my peace of mind, the firm ground underneath my feet, my right to a good night's sleep, the ability to go through a day without feeling as though I am standing on the trapdoor with a noose around my neck... I feel diminished, somehow smaller... and less.... less of a man, less of a husband, less of a human... just....well.... less.
I am terrified that I am now in the position of keeping her from what she truly wants more than anything in the world. That is the last thing I want. I want her to be happy. Of course, I want her to be happy with me. In honesty, without her, I don't actually have anything at all. But, I wouldn't want to hold her back if being with me isn't what she wants. I wonder if perhaps she wasn't actually prepared to marry me. Maybe it seemed so much better of an idea in the fantasizing, and not quite what she had hoped in reality. Please don't let that be so...
She accused me of being the 'thought police' last night. She said that I crowd her and that I am confining, and that I am always hawking her. She resents the fact that I see what I see... she said that I should better leave some things unsaid and unnoticed, that a woman likes to have at least the illusion of some privacy. I thought I had done that. There is a great deal that I never address. I never realized that I was like that, and the realization still stings. I don't want to be her oppressor, and I never, ever considered that I might be... I never realized before that there may be parts of her life that she wanted to keep hidden from me. It just never crossed my mind. My life has always been a complete open book to her. There was no part of me that I wouldn't share with her. I guess I just expected that she felt the same way. I never really took a look at it. I don't want to be a drag on her. I really just want to be a cause of happiness in her life. I felt that we were strong, she and I, and that nothing could ever come between us or change the love that we felt for one another. More than anything I ache to see the look of love in her eyes when she looks at me. To feel how she loves me when she kisses me. I want to be her one and only, her reason for being. Is it unrealistic to want this???
As I was writing this, she came up and told me that she had 'signed off' with G. I had asked her not to do that, because if she isn't happy with me, or if she is happier talking with him, or needs to, or wants to, or whatever the situation may be.....that is what she should do. Mostly, I don't think that it is right for her to break contact on my account. I don't want to play that role. I think that this is only likely to cause her to resent me now.... it's a bitter feeling... I feel hollow, and empty... and mean; Like I took away some measure of happiness from her. She said that I was making her pay for caring about someone else, and that her sentence was to have to have this thrown in her face over and over... I don't think that that's what I am doing. At least it isn't what I'm doing consciously.... I suppose that whether I do it deliberately or inadvertently, then I am doing it... in which case it is ill-conceived and ill done and I'm sorry for it. I feel lacking in that I am apparently unable to control my emotions regarding this whole thing.... This has never been an issue.... only now. I feel as though my relationship is being threatened, and I am rattling my sabre for all I'm worth in defense of that, .... even though my brain doesn't want me to. I suppose it can help me to understand her a little bit more. And maybe, she would understand me if she were to read this, which she won't, and be able to understand my feelings without getting angry or defending her position. Because whether she hurts me deliberately, or hurts me unknowingly... it still hurts me every bit as much. And, I think that may be what I have done to her.
Some how, I have ended up being the bad guy in this.. I feel like I have rained on everyone's parade, and fucked up everybody else's happiness. I feel like shit.
All day long today, I was on the verge of tears. My guts have been churning, and I threw up twice. I feel as though my world is coming apart and there is nothing that I can do to stop it. This really sucks. I have been through some truly trying times in my life. I have been majorly fucked over by women in the past, and I have had my feelings dashed to hell... but I have never reacted like this. Then again, I have never loved anyone or felt that anyone or anything was half as important as H.
All I wanted was to love my wife, and to be loved by her in equal part. That's it.
It seems like a cruel joke to let me have a glimpse of this love that has made me so very happy these past years.... happier than I have ever been in my life.... and to then take it away from me, or show it to be somehow less than what if felt like..... I pray that I am wrong about everything. I pray that she loves me more than she can ever say. I need her like I need air.
If I ever realize that she feels about G the way I feel about her, it will utterly destroy me. I can't even think on it without feeling sick....
Would she be happier with him?? I wonder if she wishes me out of her way.... I wonder if it would be a kindness for me to simply go.... I wonder if in all the years we were together if I were simply a surrogate lover, taking his part, and filling his role.... only to be incapable of satisfying her or fulfilling her in the end....
I was on an errand from work today, and I stopped into a local drugstore to purchase a plastic quart bottle. I carry iced tea in a plastic bottle to work... but my bottle had cracked, and was slowly leaking tea... and I wanted to replace it. The girl behind the counter was attractive and friendly. She apparently read something about my face or my carriage, because she said "these slow days are so long... and if you have any worries on your mind, you drive yourself crazy over them. Don't drive yourself crazy!" It surprised me that she could hit the nail on the head so. I made my purchase, and left. I was grateful for the kindness that she had shown, in trying to empathize with me, even though she didn't know me at all. I found myself more than ever wishing that H had said that to me... that she had taken me in her arms, told me that she loved me, and told me that it was all going to be okay... that she would do whatever was necessary to ensure that nothing would affect our relationship.... but, I don't know if she can do that. After all, she has a heart to follow, just as I do. I don't know whether that means that she will do exactly that, or whether that means that she will stay with me and be sad and unhappy, missing G, and grieving over lost chances.... or whether she will one day decide that this isn't the life that she either wants or needs, and will move on...
I have noticed that she has drifted away from me in very small increments over time... that could be nothing, or it could be very telling, indeed.
I know that I will love her with all my heart, no matter what happens.
I hope and pray that she wont break me.... I don't think I am strong enough to recover... because when all is said and done, I still believe that we belong together, that she loves me, that she is in love with me, and that she will stay with me and love me for the rest of our lives... that's my dream, and that is the single most valuable thing that I have ever owned.
To lose it will kill me. I know that.
So... I am lost. I don't know what to do, if anything... and I don't have a soul to turn to. I have no one to talk to about this... and it is tearing my heart out.
If anyone out there can offer anything that may help... I beg you to do so. I feel so alone.. and I don't know what to do. I am afraid that I will push her away from me by my behavior, and that I will cause all of this to take place if I continue on like this... and I am terrified that I could lose her to him if I just stand by and let it happen.... I trust her. I do. But feelings and love happen... they are strong. Stronger than we are..... and if she is in love with him, she is already lost to me... and I don't know what I'll do.
Please help me.... if any of you have ever been through this, or if you can see that I am way off or anything at all... I could so use a kind word right now. I don't have a friend in all of the world that can help me with this... and I am absolutely paralyzed with fear over this....
When I married her, I believed that we would be in love for ever..... I want that more than anything else.... I love her so....
She has been having some self-esteem issues lately... she feels as though she has gained too much weight, and it is really tearing her up inside. If only she could realize that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me.... I have never once looked at her, ever, under any circumstances, and not lost my breath... she is so beautiful to me.
I wonder if maybe she just needs to hear other men tell her so... or if she wants to know that she still 'has it'.... if only she would look at me and see how much I love her.... how very perfect she is in my eyes.... but she doesn't.... and I don't know what to do.
If any of you could offer anything at all, I would look on it as a great kindness...
This is really a bad day..... I apologize for being so pathetic.... I just don't know where to turn.
No comments:
Post a Comment