Sunday, March 20, 2005

안영 하십니까?

Yesterday was a great day! We started out our day by making love... can't beat that for a great start!

We showered up, got dressed, and went out into the garden to feed Jack (the outside cat who adopted us five years ago and has taken up residence in the garden) and hang out with him for a while.

Elysia's mom gave us a new stove as a Yule present, and that arrived while we were traipsing about in the garden. It's beautiful!! We are both looking forward to cooking some amazing meals on it!

When the stove was being delivered, my mom called with some sad news; her best friend passed away during surgery. She had known this woman longer than she knew her own parents (you quick folks would have already worked out that these would be my grandparents, and that it's pretty hard to know someone longer than you know your own parents, but there it is.... they passed on, time kept moving along... they have been friends for a very long time...). I feel bad for her... It also forces me to consider her mortality, and my own. I guess that's the secret beauty of it, though.. by having been given the gift of knowing that we will one day pass on from this place, we are given the option to make the best of each moment that we do have. Lord and Lady... thank you for the reminder.

I read Just Cassa's Blog for quite some time (I am on October 2004) and her stories made me feel a number of different emotions; I laughed a great deal, some of her entries made me very happy, her poems to her son who passed on made me cry (yes... 6ft and 240 lbs of snivelling bear... very attractive..), some of the entries regarding her relationship with her husband made me look at myself, and at my own marriage.

When she described the things were when the marriage was strong, it so reminded me of my own marriage.

It scares me to think that something so good, and so strong, with so much love and trust can simply end. In my heart, I know that impermanence is the rule, and that every thing that I will ever experience in my life is transitory.. but, still... to read how things were, I would never have thought that all that has happened between them would have worked out the way it has.

When I read about the things that Mr. Man (her husband) has done, it frustrates the shit out of me, makes me sad, makes me angry, and mostly, forces me to look deeply into myself to search for any trace of what he has become in myself. I don't want that. I don't want anything to ever hurt my marriage. Mostly, I don't ever want Elysia to feel the way he has made Cassa feel when he has hurt her, frightened her, or neglected her.

My heart and my intellect tell me that in order for things to have been so good for them, he has to be a good man. To have loved and been loved so thoroughly, there have got to have been some wonderful qualities in him. To have wanted to be a police officer, he must have wanted to help people, and to do some good.. make a difference in some way. But something happened.

Since nothing that Cassa has wrote ever described a defining moment that changed everything in an instant, whatever happened had to have been slow and insidious. They never saw it creeping up on them until it had already affected them and had done a great deal of damage. This is frightening. How do you fight something that you can't see, can't hear, and can't touch??

I am hoping that it would be something that you could feel, at least on some level.

This made me turn my attention inside, to examine myself, my feelings, my thoughts... I mulled over everything that I could remember concerning my own marriage, as far back as I could go, tracing each step until now.... Each and every time I had ever been cross, stubborn, inconsiderate or selfish, angry, resentful, jealous, neglectful, or what-have-you.. no matter how small or seemingly small jumped out at me as a glaring, inexcusable action on my part.

I felt ashamed.

I went and found Elysia... (she was sitting outside playing with Jack), and told her what I had been thinking about, and held her and asked her what, if anything, I could do that would make her day better... She wanted to trim some of the overhanging branches on a few of the trees in our garden to allow more sunlight to reach the ground when the flowers start popping their heads out in a few weeks.... so that's what we did! We trimmed and cut and worked and breathed the air and teased one another, and chased jack away from anything that could hurt him and laughed and just had a wonderful time!! Afterwards, we stood and meditated under the pines... (Jack too!), then we cleaned up and headed out for a marvelous dinner of Sushi!

When we got home, I downloaded a Korean IME for the computer so that I can type in 한 글 (韓 契)-- Hangul! (Korean). It's pretty cool!

We watched a DVD (24 season one -- yes, we are just a little out of touch on this one...) then headed up and crashed out for a good night's sleep.

Today is a gray day... sort of dreary and cold. It's a great day for snuggling and old movies!

I don't know what the day will bring, but I'm glad that I'm alive, and here, with her, and the kitties, and that we are both healthy and happy and in love.

So... I have been thinking of Cassa and her situation, and hoping that it works out well for her in the long run... I try to picture all of the folks that populate her world, Trojan Guy, Jeep Guy, Mountain Man, Mr. Man, Latin Guy, and Lethe... I am comforted by the fact that she has such a great friend in Lethe. I think it will all work out for her... I think she will be okay.

It occurs to me that I have somehow found a new community here... all of you. I know more about many of my fellow bloggers than I know about my neighbors... I have been drawn into your lives, and it forces me to examine my own. I laugh with you, cry with you, wonder at some of your thoughts, get frustrated, puzzled, sometimes worried... but I look forward each day to reading the next installment of whatever you have to share with me.

So... I just want to say thanks to all of you... you have made my life a little bit richer by sharing your thoughts, your feelings, and your lives with me.

Thanx guys

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