Through raging storm winds
I walk calmly and untouched
at peace with myself
I walk calmly and untouched
at peace with myself
Today my serenity and mindfulness were put to a test.
I have been involved in a legal matter for some years now in which I felt I was treated unfairly and unjustly. The result of this matter was a financial obligation being placed upon me that was improper and not in accordance with the legal document or, for that matter, the law upon which the authority to enforce it was based. My opinion was formed upon the basis of a particular legal document, a signed agreement, specifically, from which all of the other actions eventually emanated.
I have done my best to meet this obligation even though I felt that the situation was not fair to me, but, have been thus far unable to meet the obligation which has resulted in an overwhelming amount of arrears being compiled and charged against me. This situation has been very trying and difficult for me to say the least.
I have tried unsuccessfully to have this situation addressed and put right many times, but no one would hear my voice.
My response was to accept it as something that I would have to deal with and to prepare myself for the eventuality that the situation would change in some way, or at least offer an opportunity for me to have my say and perhaps convince someone somewhere of the truth.
Recently, I received a summons to court so that I could be 'dealt with' in accordance with the law, as a result of my inability to meet this financial obligation. To me, this translated to a jail sentence of some indeterminate period of time... perhaps six months.
I was convinced that I would not be returning home today. I knew that the court had the authority to remand me to serve a sentence that would not serve any good purpose that I could see, (quite the opposite, in fact, as I would not be able to work during the period of a jail sentence, and thusly, would be unable to earn money in order to make payments...), but, having set many precedents by sentencing other people who have found themselves in the same unfortunate situation, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be following that path. In short, I was convinced that I was going to jail today.
I was not particularly upset by this. I didn't see much that I could do to change it, and I was content that I had done my level best to meet my obligations.
I gathered together all of the documentation that I had compiled over the years, organized it, and put it into accessible form so that I could find the relevent facts and figures if the need arose.
From my first moment of awakening this morning, I have been practicing mindfulness, and have been controlling my breathing. I felt very calm, very serene. Very much at the center, and at one with myself, and with everything else. I know that it sounds trite, but, this is how I felt (and feel).
The petitioner arrived at the courthouse with a male friend. I would say a boyfriend perhaps. I had no feelings at all about this. I noticed that he had decided to try to intimidate me by staring at me for long periods of time. I have never found the act of someone looking at me intimidating under any circumstances, nor did I find it particularly intimidating today. There was no emotional content on my part, and I didn't see the wisdom in creating a scene or in sowing any seeds of conflict with this individual. I did feel that he had a need to feel superior in some way, so I simply averted my eyes and gifted him with what he apparently needed. I read a collection of Haiku and waited to be called. He got what he wanted, and I got what I wanted, so nobody had to lose anything. It was the best course of action, I think.
The court officer eventually called me and instructed me that I could either arrive at some agreement that would be acceptable to the petitioner, or that we would be forced to 'go and see the judge', the implication being (my inference, I'm not actually sure...) that if we did so, I would not be leaving on my own as a free person. I told him that I felt the best course of action would probably be to go and see the judge. (Since I have honestly been doing my very best, there was simply no other course of action left to me.... my best is my best. It is either acceptable, or it isn't. I wasn't left with much of a choice in the matter). When you have honestly given everything that there is to give, there simply isn't anything left with which to negotiate. There are only so many slices of the pie.
When I entered the courtroom this morning, I was told by the judge why I was there; specifically that the court had been asked to take action against me to enforce a previously issued judgment and order which obligated me to pay a specified amount of money to the petitioner and the obligation was read aloud to me. The court officer stationed himself directly behind my chair, arms folded. I expect that he felt he would be escorting me away following the proceedings. I certainly felt so...
When the judge stopped speaking, I quietly informed him that the obligation, as he had stated it, was not entirely correct. He stared at me for a few moments, apparently caught off-guard by my statement, and asked me what my basis was for such a claim.
I referenced the appropriate legal documents, pages and line item numbers, and reminded the court that all of the orders, judgements, decisions, and actions based their authority upon the transcript that I was referencing. I wasn't arrogant or forceful in stating any of this. Quite the opposite. In fact, I didn't actually believe that anything I had to say would be paid attention to, much less acted upon. This has basically been the state of affairs from the very start of this entire situation.
Apparently, the clerk who drafted the initial order of judgement missed a pertinent line which would have changed the meaning of the entire order. Nobody ever apparently compared the order to the original transcript, nor, to my surprise, did anyone ever read any of the countless letters that I sent containing copies of this document which challenged the order with which I was being compelled to comply.
After a few moments of frantic flurrying about, hard looks, muttered excuses, recriminations, denials, panic, and furious rifling through of papers and documents, etc., the judge ordered that the situation be resolved, the arrears recalculated, and the order re-issued to reflect the proper obligation. I was told that a representative would sit down with me and redraft the order immediately, following which, I was free to leave.
This was done remarkably fast and without much difficulty. This is somewhat surprising after the seeming impossibility of the past few years....
I am now only responsible for a financial obligation that is rightly and truly my responsibility.
I remained mindful and serene throughout the entire day.
Now I am finally in a position where I can work hard to reverse the financial damage that has been incurred, and to possibly ameliorate this situation entirely over time. This was not a realistic expectation until this moment.
I had been overwhelmed for quite some time. Continuously striving and trying to bring about change, but always unsuccessfully. Many tears were shed, many angry words uttered. Every one of my friends and family who were made aware of this situation had become frustrated and angry (sometimes, inexplicably, at me!) over this. Apparently, everyone has a belief that if you simply state the truth and show some proof, everything can be fixed as good as new. They were right about the situation, just a little off about the timing.
What I have learned is that my striving and my determination to succeed got me noplace. It actually served as an impediment to my success. The simple act of letting go, and of emptying myself of the desire to bring about change is what finally allowed me the presence of mind to find a course of action that ultimately did bring about change, and truth, and justice.
When I finally was able to let go of my desire to bring about change, I have been gently reminded of the impermanence that is the natural state of everything!
It amazes me how the universe operates so elegently, and so beautifully.
I don't feel particularly triumphant or happy, and I don't feel sad or frustrated... I am just still, and centered, and quietly flowing along my own path. This isn't really penetrating or touching me in any way. I am mildly pleased that it has been set right, but if it hadn't, I would have been just as content. None of it really matters to me in the long run.
So. There is no test. There is no victory.
There is only me.
I have been involved in a legal matter for some years now in which I felt I was treated unfairly and unjustly. The result of this matter was a financial obligation being placed upon me that was improper and not in accordance with the legal document or, for that matter, the law upon which the authority to enforce it was based. My opinion was formed upon the basis of a particular legal document, a signed agreement, specifically, from which all of the other actions eventually emanated.
I have done my best to meet this obligation even though I felt that the situation was not fair to me, but, have been thus far unable to meet the obligation which has resulted in an overwhelming amount of arrears being compiled and charged against me. This situation has been very trying and difficult for me to say the least.
I have tried unsuccessfully to have this situation addressed and put right many times, but no one would hear my voice.
My response was to accept it as something that I would have to deal with and to prepare myself for the eventuality that the situation would change in some way, or at least offer an opportunity for me to have my say and perhaps convince someone somewhere of the truth.
Recently, I received a summons to court so that I could be 'dealt with' in accordance with the law, as a result of my inability to meet this financial obligation. To me, this translated to a jail sentence of some indeterminate period of time... perhaps six months.
I was convinced that I would not be returning home today. I knew that the court had the authority to remand me to serve a sentence that would not serve any good purpose that I could see, (quite the opposite, in fact, as I would not be able to work during the period of a jail sentence, and thusly, would be unable to earn money in order to make payments...), but, having set many precedents by sentencing other people who have found themselves in the same unfortunate situation, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be following that path. In short, I was convinced that I was going to jail today.
I was not particularly upset by this. I didn't see much that I could do to change it, and I was content that I had done my level best to meet my obligations.
I gathered together all of the documentation that I had compiled over the years, organized it, and put it into accessible form so that I could find the relevent facts and figures if the need arose.
From my first moment of awakening this morning, I have been practicing mindfulness, and have been controlling my breathing. I felt very calm, very serene. Very much at the center, and at one with myself, and with everything else. I know that it sounds trite, but, this is how I felt (and feel).
The petitioner arrived at the courthouse with a male friend. I would say a boyfriend perhaps. I had no feelings at all about this. I noticed that he had decided to try to intimidate me by staring at me for long periods of time. I have never found the act of someone looking at me intimidating under any circumstances, nor did I find it particularly intimidating today. There was no emotional content on my part, and I didn't see the wisdom in creating a scene or in sowing any seeds of conflict with this individual. I did feel that he had a need to feel superior in some way, so I simply averted my eyes and gifted him with what he apparently needed. I read a collection of Haiku and waited to be called. He got what he wanted, and I got what I wanted, so nobody had to lose anything. It was the best course of action, I think.
The court officer eventually called me and instructed me that I could either arrive at some agreement that would be acceptable to the petitioner, or that we would be forced to 'go and see the judge', the implication being (my inference, I'm not actually sure...) that if we did so, I would not be leaving on my own as a free person. I told him that I felt the best course of action would probably be to go and see the judge. (Since I have honestly been doing my very best, there was simply no other course of action left to me.... my best is my best. It is either acceptable, or it isn't. I wasn't left with much of a choice in the matter). When you have honestly given everything that there is to give, there simply isn't anything left with which to negotiate. There are only so many slices of the pie.
When I entered the courtroom this morning, I was told by the judge why I was there; specifically that the court had been asked to take action against me to enforce a previously issued judgment and order which obligated me to pay a specified amount of money to the petitioner and the obligation was read aloud to me. The court officer stationed himself directly behind my chair, arms folded. I expect that he felt he would be escorting me away following the proceedings. I certainly felt so...
When the judge stopped speaking, I quietly informed him that the obligation, as he had stated it, was not entirely correct. He stared at me for a few moments, apparently caught off-guard by my statement, and asked me what my basis was for such a claim.
I referenced the appropriate legal documents, pages and line item numbers, and reminded the court that all of the orders, judgements, decisions, and actions based their authority upon the transcript that I was referencing. I wasn't arrogant or forceful in stating any of this. Quite the opposite. In fact, I didn't actually believe that anything I had to say would be paid attention to, much less acted upon. This has basically been the state of affairs from the very start of this entire situation.
Apparently, the clerk who drafted the initial order of judgement missed a pertinent line which would have changed the meaning of the entire order. Nobody ever apparently compared the order to the original transcript, nor, to my surprise, did anyone ever read any of the countless letters that I sent containing copies of this document which challenged the order with which I was being compelled to comply.
After a few moments of frantic flurrying about, hard looks, muttered excuses, recriminations, denials, panic, and furious rifling through of papers and documents, etc., the judge ordered that the situation be resolved, the arrears recalculated, and the order re-issued to reflect the proper obligation. I was told that a representative would sit down with me and redraft the order immediately, following which, I was free to leave.
This was done remarkably fast and without much difficulty. This is somewhat surprising after the seeming impossibility of the past few years....
I am now only responsible for a financial obligation that is rightly and truly my responsibility.
I remained mindful and serene throughout the entire day.
Now I am finally in a position where I can work hard to reverse the financial damage that has been incurred, and to possibly ameliorate this situation entirely over time. This was not a realistic expectation until this moment.
I had been overwhelmed for quite some time. Continuously striving and trying to bring about change, but always unsuccessfully. Many tears were shed, many angry words uttered. Every one of my friends and family who were made aware of this situation had become frustrated and angry (sometimes, inexplicably, at me!) over this. Apparently, everyone has a belief that if you simply state the truth and show some proof, everything can be fixed as good as new. They were right about the situation, just a little off about the timing.
What I have learned is that my striving and my determination to succeed got me noplace. It actually served as an impediment to my success. The simple act of letting go, and of emptying myself of the desire to bring about change is what finally allowed me the presence of mind to find a course of action that ultimately did bring about change, and truth, and justice.
When I finally was able to let go of my desire to bring about change, I have been gently reminded of the impermanence that is the natural state of everything!
It amazes me how the universe operates so elegently, and so beautifully.
I don't feel particularly triumphant or happy, and I don't feel sad or frustrated... I am just still, and centered, and quietly flowing along my own path. This isn't really penetrating or touching me in any way. I am mildly pleased that it has been set right, but if it hadn't, I would have been just as content. None of it really matters to me in the long run.
So. There is no test. There is no victory.
There is only me.
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