Friday, March 04, 2005

After the Fact...

I am back from my appointment. It was stressful as I expected, but I basically felt somewhat removed from the whole thing. I am definitely numb or dulled down or flattened or something in the emotions department... I figure it must be something that I need to do... although, I have to admit that I'm not precisely sure how I went about doing it, if I actually did do anything, or whether this is a passing thing or the way things are now.... it's passing strange, but I have no particular feelings about it. I guess its sort of sad in a way, or should be...

When I got back home, I called H at work to let her know I had returned. She is going to lunch with a guy that she works with today (I'll call him 'Oswyn'). She wasn't the one who orchestrated the plan, so she wasn't sure whether it would be cool or not for me to tag along, so I told her to just stick with the plan and that we would see each other later on. One of their mutual coworkers was just given the sack and I believe that Oswyn wants to give H the scoop on what happened. (The grapevine springs into action!!). This left me alone with my thoughts, with some free time on my hands to do whatever I pleased....

Well, first order of business was a little stress reduction.... the count is now officially 4 to go!!
(Yes... the bear has a very active libido... I hear the snickers... but its my noodle and I'll stretch it if I want to!) I am thinking that the last four should be taken care of by my ravishingly beautiful Sex-Goddess from here on out!!

Last night, we watched 'The Notebook' on DVD. H cried her eyes out... generally I would have been worse than she is since I'm such a complete sap for the most part, but, things are more or less different now, and I didn't really feel much of an urge at all... Emotional overload at work, I suppose....

Much of the story touched some chords in me though... What I know is that I don't want to be the guy who the girl 'loves so very much', marries, and lives with while she is haunted and pining for the true love of her past... The second guy basically gets a raw deal as far as I'm concerned.... It sucks. I don't know of many guys who would want that.... I certainly wouldn't.

I was browsing a few blogs, one of which comes to mind. It's called "I'm not the only one...", but used to be entitled "Late Night Longing...". The author left me a comment, and I have been reading her blog ever since. (I hope she doesn't mind my linking to her site and commenting on it here, but it touches very closely some thoughts and feelings that I have, though, decidedly from the opposite side. In any case, if there are any objections, I will remove the link if asked.) I understand how she feels, and I don't judge how she or anyone else feels. I think that she should follow her heart, and her desires, and find whatever happiness that she can. The only thing that causes me to take pause and consider here is that if I were her boyfriend, or the man in her life, and I were to read her blog.... more to the point, if this were my wife's blog... and I realized that this is how she actually felt, it would completely destroy me inside. While I think that everyone has a right to follow their heart, I also think that with the privelege of being loved by someone comes a commensurate responsibility to that person.

That man, whoever he is, apparently has no idea that his lady is longing for the touch of another. If he did know, he may choose to accept it, and be at peace with it, and let the relationship grow from there. Or, he may decide to end the relationship and move on with his life and perhaps one day, if he were able to build up the ability to trust in another person again... he may find someone who will love him, and only him, and perhaps they will have a chance to build a life together. In this particular case, it would appear that he has no idea and is living with beliefs concerning the woman that he loves that are patently untrue. I imagine that sooner or later someone will end up getting hurt, though I hope that that isn't the case. From her comment, WithLonging sounded compassionate and intelligent. My belief is that she is simply attempting to deal with these feelings in as healthy and harmless a way as possible. I think that this is a good idea, so long as it serves its purpose. In any case, I wish her luck in her endeavor.

I hope I don't sound condescending or holier-than-thou here... I assure you, I am no pillar of virtue. I have done many wonderful things in my life, and have accomplished a great deal, but the pendulum swings both ways for all of us, and that goes for me equally, as I have also made some terrible decisions, some of which I should have known better than to make, and some of which have caused pain to those around me.

I have also been the victim of other people's carelessness with my heart and with my love. I don't like having my feelings hurt. It pisses me off. While I am apprently more courageous than most when it comes to physical danger, I am a complete fucking pussy when it comes to my heart. I think that I am very much projecting my own beliefs and attitudes onto WithLongings situation, which isn't fair to her. Because I'm not her, and I don't know what has brought her to where she is now.... She has stated that she hasn't cheated on her boyfriend, and that the blog is an outlet for her feelings. It seems to me that it may be difficult for her to find any measure of true happiness under the circumstances, unless she finds a way to be true to her heart and to his. In any case, this is nothing more than my own opinions, as they stand right at this moment, and what the fuck do I really know in any case?? I'm having enough trouble trying to get my own shit straight, so... the usual disclaimer applies here: Mileage may vary, results not typical, some patients may experience some side effects such as uncontrollable vomiting, hemhorraging from the nostrils and anus, painful ejaculation, sleep disorder, and an inability to control the bladder and/or bowels. Please use in accordance with the directions on the package. You must be at least ---> = this tall to enjoy this ride.

This is the crux of the situation as it regards me and my feelings towards being the 'loved husband' as opposed to the 'one true love of a lifetime'. I want to be the one love in my wife's life. The one that haunts her dreams, and the one that she is truly happy with.

I do not want to be the one that she has settled with due to circumstance and availiability. I would feel like a loaner car or something.... that would completely suck great big hairy donkey dicks. I would rather be living in a rat-infested shack somewhere and pushing a shopping cart around talking to myself.

In the movie last night, the mother took the female leading role 'Ally" to some quarry where she often comes to watch the man that she had so loved when she was younger. She (the mother) had married Ally's father and had followed that path. She claimed that she loved her husband, that he was a good man, and that she respected him... but she is drawn to go to the quarry from time to time and watch this guy that she had so loved.... I wouldn't want to be either of the guys that this silly bitch got herself mixed up with, but I most certainly wouldn't have wanted to be the husband. That poor bastard has lived his entire life believing in a lie, where at least the other poor fuck knew where he stood from the start. The husband may be a nice guy, and loved, and respected and all that crap (and it is crap)... but if he knew the true deal, I think he would feel like a horse's ass and a shitheel for having the wool pulled so far over his eyes for so long. All the while loving his wife with all of his heart. He got robbed.

It doesn't sound like he was loved all that much from where I sit.

I think the thing that most touches me is that in each case, someone has been a victim of deception.

This is basically stealing.

It also devalidates a person's right to be a free, thinking person with an opinion, the right to make choices regarding issues that may affect thier life, to have a voice, to be a breathing, living, complete partner in a marriage or in a relationship.

The act of deceiving someone removes vital information from their radar screen that they may otherwise use to control aspects of their life. It's oppressive, controlling, manipulative, and just plain wrong.

When you deceive someone, in order to force them to remain in a relationship especially, you no longer have a partner... you have a captive. You have someone who is basing all or part of their feelings about you and/or the relationship on untruths, partial truths, or whatever crap they've been fed. In which case, what do you really have?? You have, in essence robbed the two of you of the one true thing you ever could have shared.... it just doesn't seem worth it to me.

I either want to be in a relationship. Completely. Or... I want to be out. Just as completely. Mostly, I want a person who is supposed to love me and care for me to at least have the common decency and moral courage to be honest with me, and to let me decided, for myself, whether the relationship is something that I choose to commit to or to remain in whatever the circumstances may be.

In some cases, I think people may be surprised at how much a person will tolerate if they truly love you. In most cases, I think most folks will go the full distance to make a love work. In some cases, admittedly, the damage may be so severe that the relationship can no longer survive... but in those cases, they probably weren't anything worth saving. The most important thing is that each person be given the friggin' chance to take ALL of the available information into account and make their own fucking choices based on the facts... not to have to base their life choices on fantasy and bullshit and whatever self-serving tidbits of information that the person they love and is supposed to love them deems to give to them. In a loving, trusting, and equal relationship, both partners have equal say. Both are with the other person because it is precisely where they want to be... I want my wife to be able to say to me, in all honesty, with no reservations whatsoever; "I am here because it is where I want to be. There is nowhere else I would rather be, and nobody else that I would rather be with than with you, right here, and right now. You have all of my heart, and I give it to you freely, because that is what I choose to do." I can say this to her. It would be the truth. Hands down. I say it in so many words and actions every single day of my life. I have always heard it from her, whether she said it to me in words, or otherwise.... The G thing has made me consider that she may not actually be where she most wants to be. She may have painted herself into a corner. She may need the stability that she feels in our relationship, but crave the excitement she feels with him. I don't really know. I may just be projecting my own worries into the situation, which would be understandable. I'm human. The fact remains that I don't know. I have to trust in her, and trust that she will put my welfare first and look out for me. That is my only choice other than to simply give up on the relationship and walk away. Either I trust her completely... or I don't trust her. I trust her. I will continue to trust her. Her job is to make sure that I don't get hurt. My job is to make sure that she doesn't get hurt. That's how it works. And, assuredly, it either works... or it doesn't... spectacularly in either case....

Deception has no place in a marriage, or in a loving relationship, other than with regards to surprise parties, Christmas/Birthday/WhatHaveYou presents, and the occasional board game where lying and bluffing and cheating are part of the game.

Can anyone out there honestly say that they enjoy being tricked, lied to, decieved, or fed partial truth?? Particularly where their hearts are concerned??

Maybe, if you want to be in other people's arms, to feel their kisses, thrust yourself into them, or take them deep inside you.... maybe, that's precisely what you should do. Maybe that is what makes you happy, and that's where you should focus your energies. However, every decision that we make has the potential for benefits, and also for consequences.... Deciding to go and explore those needs and desires, if done above board and with complete honesty may well mean that the cozy relationship and seemingly stable home-life will come to an abrupt and possibly awkward end... but this is where one has to decide where the right course lies....

You see, one decision or another isn't a problem in the grand scheme.... the problem is in wanting to have it both ways.

For one thing, its exceedingly childish... a child thinks only of having, never of working or earning, or of maintaining. A child in not capable of maintaining a relationship, because this requires the ability to put someone else's needs before your own, as well as the capability to work through difficulties for the good of the relationship. A child is a child, and only wants what it wants, regardless of the havoc this may wreak on others around them. A child feels that it is their privelege to have what they want, no matter how this affects anyone else. Everyone else just has to accomodate them.

If you are looking out for you, and I am looking out for you...well, it doesn't leave anybody to look out for me... and it isn't really all that fair to me. If the decision is made to end the relationship and move on to other things, it will undoubtedly hurt... change always hurts. Especially change that is unexpected. But this is a hurt that will heal, or at least dull over time.

Discovering that you have been an unwitting, unsuspecting victim of deception is a hurt that remains open, and bleeding... for quite some time, if not forever. Is this what you would want to do to a person that you supposedly love?? In order to fuck someone that you crave?? WHAT the fuck is that?? This sort of thing causes irreperable damage in a person. This is love?? Who the fuck needs that??!!

In my case, I want to believe that I am H's one true love. I feel that it is so. I have never doubted it before. What causes me to reexamine this issue over and over is the simple glaring fact that we were together, living our life, seemingly happy, and everything was going fantasticly well and suddenly this guy comes out of the past and contacting him is somehow worth the risk of squashing me and completely fucking up our relationship. I have to think that there is a reason that he was worth such a risk. It's always the one true love in all of these stories that has the power over the girl to cause her to be drawn back to him. She doesn't want to leave the current guy because she loves him (she always loves him...), and he's such a great guy, and all that shit... but the fact remains that she loves and craves and truly wants the first guy... the one true love.

That's the guy that I want to be or I don't want to play anymore.

How will I know if I'm that guy?? I have no earthly idea. I don't honestly feel that there is a way for anyone to truly know this.... either you believe it... or you don't. Either you are the one, or you aren't.

Of course, these are all thoughts that are based upon a movie... which was essentially a work of fiction. I am applying it to the lives of real people, which are always so much more complicated than the neatly tied up pleasantly packaged lives of movie and book characters.... so, I don't suppose it translates over all that well....

I sometimes ask myself if I will wonder whether H is thinking of G or missing him or wishing that it were him instead of me for the rest of my life..... Other times I simply push it aside and accept the moment for what it is.... whatever her thoughts are are her thoughts... and while they assuredly affect me, I still have no way of knowing what they truly are except for what she chooses to show me... in whatever ways she chooses to show me....

I'm not particularly sure how this whole episode has affected me, though I can tell that it has. I don't really know if it even matters, or whether it should.... truth be told, I am not completely sure that I understand why it even affected me... in retrospect the whole thing seems stupid to me. What I do know is that the way lies forward from here, and not back... after all, it is more important where you land than where you took off from...

I know that I feel differently than before, although I'm haven't been able to work out precisely what that means. I am just different somehow. I don't see things the way I did, and I don't feel things the way I did. I feel stronger somehow.. though, in what way, I have no idea.

As far as difference goes, in addition to the general emotional dulling that I have been experiencing, I seem to have attained a clarity of thought that I have never had before. I am extremely sensitive to details that would have escaped my notice. My reflexes seem to have become unusually fast lately, and I seem to have an innate grasp of spacial relationships that I never noticed. I feel smarter somehow.. though more awake would be closer to the mark.

I have gotten impressions of things... thoughts, or whatever they are.. that are uncannily accurate. I had foreknowledge that the Old Man and the Fly had purchased a particular type and piece of equipment at the tradeshow that they went to yesterday. I almost slipped and asked them about it before they had mentioned anything, which would have been sort of awkward for me... and for them, I guess. Also, I suddenly have thoughts that are out of the blue and completely unrelated to anything that is taking place in my mind at the time, often regarding H, but not always... they don't generally make sense to me, but when I mentioned them to H she became upset with me and basically asked me if I had been reading her blog. I have not, and, more to the point, don't want to (chiefly because I am afraid that it would make me cry if I did... and perhaps change things forever, depending upon what she is writing about...), and promised her that I wouldn't. I don't know where it is, for one thing, but I also promised that if I ever came across it by chance that I would stop reading it as soon as I realized that it was hers, and that I would tell her that I had found it. She asked me if I'm psychic... (I'm not... or never considered myself to be... though I do have knowledge of things sometimes before they occur... nothing important usually, just stupid stuff. For one thing, I knew who would be absent from class every single day of school when I was a kid.... don't know how, I just did.. it's weird, but it isn't anything like what I consider to be a psychic ability where they can tell you all about yourself and shit like that... I can't do that. I just get the odd detail now and again that half the time makes no sense to me whatever.... The clearest impression I ever had was of H looking over the diaries and shit so close to Valentine's Day... and It SUCKED!! If that's the sort of shit I have to be made aware of, then I don't want it.)

She says that it freaks her out because she values her privacy. I understand that, and I value mine as well. I also value hers. I always have. I thought that this was something that hadn't been discussed much, but which we both seemed to understand and accept. Recently, though, it has taken on a heightened emphasis with her. There are things from which I am actively excluded. Where before she seemed like an open book, now she is closed off in many ways, and seperate. I can feel a sort of resentment from her when she is doing something or wanting to do or think somthing and I blunder into it. It makes me feel sort of greasy and nasty for it.

So, I have basically tried to back off quite a bit and let her have her space, if that's what she needs. As time goes by, I feel that we are slowly drifting further and further apart as a result, but, sometimes that happens, and you can't really do much about it....

I just don't want to get myself squished, so I have opened my mind up to accept any possibility that may come along. Inherently, this involves some degree of self-encapsulization, and a little distancing of myself from myself and from everything and everyone around me. But, for now at least it feels safer. One thing that I have found I apparently need is a feeling of security and stability. I think I would do better to excise that need and learn to take it as it comes. Much less messy that way... no untidy ends to have to fuss over. Take what the moment brings and flow.....

I have somehow found a way to become extremely centered. This is a good thing for me. I can move through the world and remain untouched by whatever is going on around me, at least to some degree... this is liberating, as it removes the power that anyone or anything holds over you and places it where it should be... at your center. At work they have commented that I seem somewhat colder, but much more serene than usual... I like serene! Serene is good!

In case any one misconstrues this to mean that I don't care about anyone else, or that I love my wife, my friends, or my family any less... that would be wrong. I love my wife perhaps more than ever, and I love my friends and my family every bit as much as I ever did. The difference is that I no longer allow myself to be vulnerable to that love, or to risk being crushed to death by allowing my own preconceived notions to blind me to what is truly taking place before my eyes. Nor do I discount what my heart tells me. I simply accept what I see, feel, think, and know, and let it wash over me, around me and through me without letting it sweep me away....

I wake up without any expectations, and let the day unfold as it will. I accept whatever is happening, take notice of it, try not to judge it, and let it slide on past. If good comes my way, I accept it gracefully, and if bad comes, I will try to accept it just as gracefully.... I am now quite a bit more aware of my own value as a person, and I am confident in myself, in my views, and in my character. I know who I am, what I am, and what that means to those who would love me and be loved by me as well as to those who would seek to harm me or mine. I know that I have flaws, many of them, and weaknesses... and that I also have a great deal of personal resources and attributes. Whatever today brings, I am confident that I will be able to handle. If I should get knocked off balance again, I am coiled and ready to land on my feet like a cat and do whatever needs to be done. I am relaxed, and I am content.

I told H that she should re-establish contact with G if that is what truly made her happy. I felt that it was wrong of me to be an obstruction to her. She said that she wasn't going to do that because how I felt about it was how I felt about it and that I couldn't help it.

Last night she hugged me after the movie and said that she apologized for hurting my feelings. I told her that there was no need to be sorry, and no need for apologies. This was not because she hadn't hurt my feelings... she had... rather deeply, actually... but because I understand that these things happen when two people merge their separate lives into one. I also feel the need to say that I don't particularly want to have my feelings hurt again. It sucked, and, in some ways, it still does... it has changed some things for the better, but other things it has simply changed.

As we go through our lives, we make choices, some good, and some bad.... we either reap the benefits or we face the consequences. None of us generally know how our choices will pan out in the end, so we are left to make our decisions based upon what we have at our disposal at that particular moment.... sometimes people make mistakes, and other times it seems that circumstances conspire to bring our world down around our ears. During those times we could all use someone who will remain at our side and simply help, without judging, without pushing, and without asking for anything... and that, my friends, is a marriage.

Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you, and in this marriage that generally works out well for both of us!!

2 comments:

Elysia said...

I am here because it is where I want to be. There is nowhere else I would rather be, and nobody else that I would rather be with than with you, right here, and right now. You have all of my heart, and I give it to you freely, because that is what I choose to do.

Love,

Your Wife

Bear said...

Same here, Girl. I make the same choice every day, and every day it comes out the same. I choose to be right here with you. Nowhere else. Ever.

Bear

(Somehow I think sex should be involved in this somewhere... throbbing, sweating, panting lunatic sex!!)