Monday, February 28, 2005


When I got home from work, I was hoping for a night of snuggling, closeness, and romance... I said something that didn't sit right, and basically shot the night to hell... I jumped into the shower to clean up, and when I came out H was working on her blog. I read for a while, and basically could tell that she needed some space, so I went out for a walk. Whenever I'm unsettled, I generally head for the ocean. Something about the sea speaks to me. Especially in the winter, when the water is angry, and raging.
The wind was howling, and it was snowing hard. I listened to George Winston's "December" album on CD until the player froze.
I just stood and watched the water for about an hour. There was a huge flock of sea birds feeding on a run of fish, and I watched them for a while, then headed back home.
The general climate at home goes from very close and very connected to very awkward... H is feeling crowded by me, I think, and is clamoring for some space of her own, so I will do my level best to give it to her...
The snow was beautiful, but I felt very small and alone in the world tonight.... I suppose we are all very small and alone in a way.
I can't think about this stuff anymore... it's killing me. I have to pull back and focus on something else or something.

H asked me if it was this difficult being married before.... The question surprised me.

I had never considered it difficult being married to her at all until G got pulled into the mix. That was the only difficulty that I ever had. She has always been everything I have ever wanted.

I know that I shouldn't... but I cannot help but wonder, if she had complete control over the choice... what she would choose if she were able to either have G, the way she wanted it to be... or me. I don't think I could bear to know that answer....

That's more than enough thinking for me for one evening....

Sunday, February 27, 2005

My Best Day....

This was taken on my wedding day.... it was the very best day of my life. I believed that H was in love with me, heart and soul... and that there was no room in her heart for any other man...

I sort of feel that I will have to live in the shadow of another love from now on, ... but, if it has always been the case... then nothing has truly changed.

I am just happy that she does love me, and that she is married to me... and I think that I need to come to terms with the fact that this isn't "The Bear Show".

I love my wife.... I think that in a way, it's a good thing to be married to someone who has so much love in them....

... I still wish that I was the only star of the show... but, you can't always have it all your way.

Many Leaves, Same Tree,
Each Alone, All Together...
Make Spring Breezes Sing.

We are off to have breakfast and do some fun stuff together..... that's what we do!!

Wedding Rings.... Posted by Hello

Friday, February 25, 2005

It is what it is...

Waking From a Dream...
Her Feelings Cause Pain and Tears
Fresh Snow, New Day Dawns.

On Second Thought...

I spent hours writing a huge post last night.... when I read it, I decided that it was way too long, and that It isn't how I wanted to say what I wanted to say anyway.

Basically, this is how I feel: We have the best relationship, and the greatest marriage ever. It is the joy of my life and I don't want to see it ruined, sullied, destroyed, or changed for the worst.

H has stated that contacting G is nothing more than contacting an old friend. Okay, fine.

She also has said that she is now most likely to be somewhat wary of being honest with me in the future after the way that I reacted.

From where I stand, her honesty and the fact that she took steps once she realized how this situation was affecting me, and by extension, us, to protect her hustband and her marriage.

In truth, not one of us actually knows what any other person is truly feeling or thinking. We can summize, guess, analyze, or try to observe... but in the end, we never actually know. We only know what other people show us, and even that is often only a part of the whole picture.

I know that I wasn't the first. I dearly wish to be the last.

Only H knows, in her heart of hearts, what feelings she actually has for G. I have my beliefs, but only she knows. What I want to say is this: If there are still feelings of romantic love, or sexual desire that she is harboring for him, even a trace.... then the conscious act of contacting him constitutes, in my eyes, an act of disloyalty and a breaking of our committment at least to some degreee... in thought, and, perhaps, in deed (by the externalization of that feeling via the act of contacting him...). I have very strong beliefs about this marriage, and in it there is no room for a third love interest... either of mine, or of hers. Period. In this marriage, there is only room for two. Even in our hearts.

If she can honestly say that there is absolutely no feelings such as I have described in her heart. Then I am utterly wrong and she is apparently married to an asshole and a loser for the way that I acted. And I apologize.

If, on the other hand, there is even a trace of those feelings, and my perceptions were correct... then I have a very humble, very polite question to ask of her. (I am grovelling here....)

Please,.... please don't play with fire. Please don't risk our love, and all that we have. Please. Even the smallest step down that road can end in disaster,... and has for so many people. I do trust my wife. I do. But I have so very much to lose if I lose even a small amount of her love that it paralyzes me with fear to even consider it.

I don't expect to have an accident every time I get in a vehicle. But I strap on a seat belt each and every time. I have a responsibility to my wife, you see. I promised that I would never do anything that would jeaopardize my safety, and she promised the same. This extends to the health of our marriage.

I have learned that jealousy can grip my heart as it concerns my wife. She is the absolute love of my life, and I adore her. I know that love doesn't just go away. But we made a conscious choice, freely made... to love one another, as a married couple, and that is to the exclusion of all others.

Diamonds are valuable because they are rare, sand is worthless because of its abundance. Our love is special because we only share it between we two... us, and nobody else. That was our promise: Nobody gets in. NOBODY.

Please, let the magick stay. I believe that we are special. That we are eternal. To think that we are not, even though it may not be realistic, would be one of the saddest realizations in my life.

I know that it hurts to lose parts of the past... but we cannot bring every part of our lives with us.... it just doesn't work. He has chosen not to choose you and the love that you offered... This was his choice. He has a life already... a wife, and children. He has a successful career. He has quite a bit. He doesn't belong in our life. That book was written, and finished. This book is open, and the story is still being written. Please put that book back on the shelf, and help me to continue writing this story. Please. I don't ask you to erase your past... I ask that you let go of it.. just a little bit... and stay here with me... all of you. I need you, and I love you. I have chosen you. I have given everything that I have to give... but I promise you that I will dig down and try to give more... I know you deserve much more than I have to give... Can you not see that you are loved??

I don't want to share. I don't want him to have any special consideration. We have a pact too... and you never even talked to me about this whole thing before you did anything about it... I wasn't even considered. It hurts. I feel lessened, ignored, and betrayed. We are supposed to discuss things that affect us... together. We always find a way to work things out. In this case, if feels as though I was not to be trusted.

If you cannot let go of him... please be honest with me and let me know that you cannot. I have to be the only one in your heart. I need it. If I cannot be, at least let me know so that I can adjust, or decide, or do whatever it is that seems right to do... if anything.

You have a life here with me... we are so much bigger than anything else. Please tell me that our marriage is more important than anything else in all of the world. I need to hear that you wouldn't put anything above us more than I just about anything else.

You are my Angel... my Dream... my reason for getting up each day.... you are my heart and my soul... I just can't bear to be any less to you.... I'm sorry.

I love you more than you will ever know.....


Thursday, February 24, 2005

Back and Forth Like a Fiddler's Elbow...

Well, my thoughts have been swirling around and around all day today, and my emotions have been flip-flopping..... I'm back and forth like a fiddler's elbow, between thoughts, feelings, rationalizations, and fears, hopes, and whatever the hell else....

I had a very particular view of how my world was constructed, and now that has been more or less shaken apart... the genie is out of the bottle, I guess... but what I can't quite nail down is whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing, ... or just a thing. Once you see how the magic trick works, though, it doesn't fool you anymore... that's kind of sad. I'm not sure if its a valid metaphor in this instance, but, I am sort of sad about it.

I know that this whole episode constitutes a 'moment' in my life. What I mean by this is that in everyone's life there are certain moments from which we predicate phases of our existence... before the baby was born, or after the baby was born..... before or after I was: married, had the heart attack/stroke/limb amputated, before or after we moved to or from wherever to the other place.... moments. You consider everything before the moment as one chapter, or episode, and everything after the moment as a new chapter, or episode.

I don't know exactly what it means to me.. but I know that I am now in a new chapter of my life. I feel fairly foolish...

I have felt this before, and regarded them as moments... the first time I was pulling on something as a child, and had the other kid simply let go and let me go flying onto my ass.... the first time I tried to play 52-pickup with someone who wasn't a family member and who didn't care if the cards got picked up or not.... the first time I realized that the big hoohah on the 4th of July wasn't for my birthday... (my birthday is close, and was celebrated on the 4th until I was about eight years old....). They were moments... and they were all necessary to my development. It's too soon to tell if this is a necessary moment, or just one to be endured and gotten through... like when my grandmother died. It sucked, and I got through it and eventually came to terms with it.

I'm not sure what particularly makes me feel the most foolish, but I know that there are a few reasons that come right to the forefront of my mind; I feel somewhat foolish about putting H through so much shit with my emotional upheaval of the household, I feel stupid that she ended up curtailing the communications with G, though I still feel that it was definitely a potential danger area for us. She says that she doesn't feel that it was, but I can feel a sense of relief from her... or a letting down of her guard, by which I mean her guarding against letting the relationship with G become something ... more. So I know that she felt it was as well. I don't want to explore why she would have wanted to continue along that path if this is so... in any case, its a moot point... she chose not to continue, at least for now, and that is something.
I have learned that H doesn't seem to want to let go. Sometimes we should let go of the past in order to be able to exist in the future. You don't take the boat with you after you cross a stream in it. Other times, you have to hold on to things from the past. She has to decide what she must hold on to and what she must let go of. I just pray that she doesn't let something from the past destroy us.

I know that it wasn't easy for her to make that decision, because she is a very strong minded woman, and doesn't take kindly to being forced into any sort of a decision. She doesn't like to be told what to do... by ANYbody.... and I respect that. That is part of what makes her her. And that is who I love.

I feel foolish about having constructed this naive view or perception of what or how our relationship was... I feel foolish and as though I have failed in some way because I tried to be accepting of the situation, and simply could not find a way... In my mind, I found all sorts of coping strategies... but in my heart, and eventually my whole body... I simply came apart. I don't really come apart at the seams... I have faced terrible situations, including life-threatening ones... and have always been able to maintain a relatively calm, rational, balanced frame of mind. This situation was unlike anything I have ever faced. I have definitely uncovered a very weak spot in my character. I have been giving this a great deal of thought in an effort to find ways to mend this, and to prevent this particular weak spot from affecting me so again.

In any case... Bear's world is gone. Its a new world now, and one that I am going to have to adjust and adapt to. This isn't a challenge that frightens me. I am very good at adapting in most cases. I think I will do okay. It may take a little while for me to get my 'sea legs', but I'll find my center and get back on track.

I have these demons in my mind regarding H's past love with this guy. It is an area that I know I have to avoid thinking about. For one thing, it's none of my business. For another, I can already feel from her a projected intent to contact him again in the future. I don't know whether that means tommorrow, weeks, months, or years. But, It is my feeling that it will come to pass. Basically, she will either love me and be true to me, or she will love him and go to him, or have an affair behind my back. In any case, I have no choice in the matter. All I can really do is to be me and do what I know is right, and deal with the eventuality when it comes to pass.

So. I have gained quite a bit of self-knowledge regarding this situation. I have felt feelings that are new to me. And I have thought thoughts and had fears that are also completely new. In the past, I didn't really give a fuck whether someone I was involved with wanted to cheat. If I suspected it, I was gone. Done. Period. No discussion..... whatsoever. Over. In this case, I do care, very much. It would tear me apart and ruin my capacity to love anyone ever again, I think. I don't want to be hurt like that. I don't want to live like that... unhappy, loveless, and bitter. So I fear it.

The major task at hand for me is to re-find my center. Regain my balance and stability. Ground myself, and focus on the resources that I have at hand. My self-esteem is apparently at an all-time low, which has never, ever been an issue with me.... and I think that every component that comprised this whole situation was the very worst that it could have been under the circumstances for me at that particular time. I have gained weight, H pointed out some gray hairs that I had also noticed, I recently had the vasectomy, which affected me psychologically in ways that I hadn't totally expected... There were some other issues that took place over the past couple of years that really took a few chunks out of my self-image, and the last straw for me, I suppose, is that I felt that H was looking for something from G that I couldn't give, didn't have, or that she didn't want from me... and it broke something inside of me.

I don't want to go through this again. I have thought about this, in particular, quite a bit. I have outlined a number of options at hand, some of which aren't actually options, because they are unacceptable to me. As I see it, here is a list of available options:

  1. Accept that H will still have feelings of love for others, and still be able to love me.
  2. Accept that H will be sexually attracted to others, and trust that she will find ways to channel those energies in a positive fashion.
    (NOTE: Since I don't find myself noticing or being attracted to other women, It is difficult for me to feel completely comfortable with this, since I don't entirely understand it... not in terms of loving a former lover, at least. This brings forth a few options specifically targeted at this issue:
  3. Open my eyes and my mind in an effort to allow myself to be attracted by other women. Not in an active way, but in a passive way. Perhaps this will help me to understand whether or not this is a powerful emotion or not, on my own... Knowing that I can be attracted to someone and not have it change the attraction that I feel for H would probably go a long way towards building an understanding of this whole deal.... I'm just not sure that I'm either comfortable, or even whether I would feel attracted towards anyone else. I definitely notice if a woman is pretty, but I don't really think of it in sexual terms. With H, I am just about constantly thinking of her in sexual terms... with other woman, I just don't. I'm not going to be involved with them... they aren't attracted to me, and that more or less seems to be that. I have to think more on this and see if it resonates.
  4. If H decides to re-contact G, I have to decide what that means to me, and how I am going to deal with it. Either, she is contacting him simply to see how he is doing, in which case the seemingly strong draw that he appears to have on her doesn't really fit the situation, as I see it, or, she is still in love with him, simply needs to have him in her life in some form, shape, or fashion, and will not let it become inappropriate, or, She is in love with him or desires him and wants to either toe the line or cross the line. In the latter case, I am facing an entirely different issue, and will have to reevalute everything that I know or think I know. In the first cases, I'm not sure how I feel... typing this, I can feel my body flooding adrenaline, and my heart rate and blood pressure rising.... this is so ridiculous! What the fuck IS this??
  5. I am perhaps too close, and therefore too dependent on her, emotionally. Perhaps I should pull back, regroup, and attempt to find a proper perspective for the relationship. I have been focusing on my weaknesses, and need to focus on my strengths, of which I have many. I have never had any problem finding women who were interested in me, I have only had problems finding the right woman to be interested in me.... I know that I'm not a complete troll, though I honestly feel that way sometimes.... but, that is something that will apparently have to be addressed, especially in view of the fact that it has affected my peace of mind, and my sense of well being. The drawback is that I enjoy the closeness, and don't want to pull back only to discover that I can't find my way back, or that she cannot.
I think there are more options available to me to explore, but I can't bring them to mind just now. I feel worn thin, and still sort of numb, and flat... This stupid situation has been inordinately hard on me, and I can't even explain why to my own satisfaction.

When I was alone, I was lonely, but that was the way things were, and I knew it. There were no expectations, and therefore there were no disappointments. There weren't really very many highpoints either, to be completely honest. I can't really even consider a life without H in it, although if I were to discover that she doesn't really love me, and/or is in love with someone else, I would most likely just disappear. I couldn't live in proximity to her, or the possibility of running into her and some other guy. I would have to go about as far away, to as remote a location as possible, find a hole, crawl into it, and pull it in after me..... and that would be that.

I don't feel like things are normal. I feel that something has changed between us, or with us, or around us... I don't know if this means that we have distanced ourselves, or simply found a new level in the relationship. I know that I don't love her any less. If anything, I love her more. I don't have any explanation for that.... but I do. I think we will be okay. We have faced difficulties in the past, and have always found a way to rally and to defeat or circumvent them in some way. We have always been strong like that, and I see no reason why that would change now.

What has really happened, in fact, is that my eyes have been opened to possibilities and realities that I have never considered before. It doesn't mean that anything has actually changed, only that I never noticed the reality that was surrounding me before. So, this would explain why I feel like a man that has been suddenly, and rudely, I might add, awakened from a dream. The world may not be any harder edged, or crueler, or lessened, or anything... It's actually that I just never took the time to look around me and take notice of the way things actually are.

I think I may have restricted my own feelings, my own desires, my own ability to notice and appreciate various thoughts, feelings, desires, and whatnot.... this left me sort of stunted in my ability to really gain an understanding of what those feelings actually mean... perhaps I need to open my eyes and live a little more fully, and therefore come to a greater understanding of where H is coming from. It may do me some good. I don't know. I will have to talk to her about it, I think....

I have learned that nothing in all the world ever remains the same, because the winds of change touch upon everything.... this doesn't mean that it's bad, only that it can be something fearful until we learn to understand it, and adapt ourselves to the change.

When it comes down to it, we are all really alone in this life. We are born alone, and we will die alone. Nobody can do either for us. It's our own journey, and we have to do it on our own. We touch lives with other folks, and that's a good thing... but we are essentially trapped within our own bodies and minds..... how much do we really ever understand or know about one another. One thing I know is that everybody's story ends the same way.... nobody gets out of here alive, and it will most likely be sooner than we expect. So I don't have time to waste on acting like an asshole.

What is a marriage, really?? What is this thing that we have become.... what does it mean as far as the degree of freedom that either of us have? To what extent do either of us have the right to demand or expect certain types of behavior from one another?? What comprises a healthy balance of closeness and separatedness?? I know that I love the "Us" almost as much as I love H. I would love H even if there was no 'us', but I love 'us' too. I feel like a priveleged member of a very exclusive club. I am proud and happy to be one of 'us'. I love being married to her. I love being her husband. I love my wedding ring, and I love my wedding song, and I love the memories that I have of that day.... I love to think that we are 'married'. I love the life that we have built together... and I love and treasure the time that spend together....

What lies beneath the surface, I wonder?? Does she resent me?? Has she come to think of me as weak, now that I have shown a propensity to become so upset over something that is so seemingly small?? Has she lost some degree of respect for me?? I think that she will be guarded in what she reveals or divulges to me in the future, and I think that our degree of closeness will most likely suffer ... at least until I have learned, and demonstrated an ability to handle these issues a little better than I have these past weeks....

The Buddhists say that attachment is the root of pain. In pain? Break the attachments, and move on unfettered, and pain free. I wonder if there is anything here that I can put to use... if I need to become more self-sufficient, and stronger in and of myself. More independant. More like I used to be. I have to give this some thought.

Can love be qualified or quantified?? If H loves me, and loves one or a thousand other people, does this actually take away any love from me?? Am I getting better or higher quality love or lower quality love??? Is there any such thing?? If I love my mom, I don't love H any less... but what if I fall in love with another woman, or still love a woman from my past.... does that take some of the love that I would otherwise lavish on H away from her?? What about sexual desire, or, for that matter, sex?? Certainly she has been with other men in her lifetime, and now she is with me. If she makes love to other people now, does that take anything away from me if she is still making love to me as often and as fully as she does now?? Or would it split and somehow dilute the love or desire that she has for me?? Or me for her if the situation were reversed...
I know that if I somehow discovered that she were involved with someone else, that it would have a very profound effect upon me. I hope and pray that that is not a situation that I am ever called upon to face. I can say that it is one problem that I will never inflict upon her. She is my one and only love. She may not have been the first, but she is certainly the last.

Why is this such an issue for me?? Why didn't I ever notice that it was before??? I need to know what makes me tick in order to understand this.... so that is another area for some introspective exploration. I don't know why this issue with G bothers me the way it does. On the surface, I feel that it represents a danger to the relationship, but if that is the case, there are many, many dangers.... either the relationship is sound, or it is not. I believe it is very sound, so why do I react in this way?? I'm very confused about this....

I don't know if my background/beliefs are a major factor in this, if it is entirely a self-esteem issue, or what....

I woke up crying in the middle of the night. No idea why. I lay there thinking about it for awhile, then went back to sleep. I feel as though I have lost something..

I dreamed that I was somewhere far away, trying to catch a bus home. There were no seats available, and I just wanted to get home to H. It turned out that I couldn't catch the last bus home. Instead, I was trying to hitch a ride to the train station to get a train to New York City from wherever the hell I was. It was going to be arriving at around midnight, instead of early afternoon, when the bus was supposed to arrive (this makes no sense, I know....). It would take me about two hours to get out to Long Island, where we live, which would mean that I would get home between 2 and 3 AM, and I was sad, because I just wanted to get home to my girl.....

... I suppose that's where I have found myself.... I'm just trying to find my way home to my girl.

In her arms is the best place in the world for me to be.....

I find myself wondering what any of you folks think about any of this....

Here's my blog email address in the event anyone has a thought or a comment that they don't want to leave on a public comment board:

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Wrung out...

I think I am going to have to come to terms with a lot of things that most of the rest of the world has already long since understood... H is a living, lusty, vivacious woman... she has eyes, a heart, a brain, and thoughts, desires, and feelings of her own... she is entitled to these, as is everyone else walking the earth. It is her right to think and to feel however she happens to think and to feel.
She married me. She is the one I wake up next to, and the one that is beside me at the end of the day, when all is said and done.
Although it would undoubtedly be the best-case scenario if I were the only one that would ever be the object of her desires and her affections, I have to remind myself that this is the real world, with real people, and not Bear's world where things go according to my plans and wishes. I already know this stuff from an intellectual standpoint, but I must try to internalize them in my heart.
She has broken contact with G. The reason is that I was basically coming apart at the seams over it. I don't think it was fair to her.... I sort of feel that I ran roughshod over her to some degree. I still prefer that some parts of the past be left in the past... but I would rather she had made that choice from some place inside of her than because I was basically becoming a basket case over it.
As for me... well, I am feeling better than I did when I last posted, but I feel wrung out, as though I have been beaten with a cushioned baseball bat and then thrown down the stairs... I am in a different world than when this first all started happening.... my security blanket is gone, and I am somewhat disillusioned. I realize that it probably isn't normal for anybody to the the sole star of anybody else's show... I guess it doesn't really much happen. But I thought that that's the way things were, and now it just feels a little different.
I know that H loves me, and I know that I love her. That hasn't changed a bit, and that's the most important part of all. The rest is all bells and whistles.
I think that I have probably fomented a lot of this by letting myself lose my edge. I have put a few extra pounds on, and am not exactly a pillar of manhood right now. That can change, and I have good reason to be motivated. As for what needs to change inside my head... well, that is going to take time. I think I need to just discipline my brain to move away from things that will tear me up. If I allow myself to, I can rip my own guts out without any help from H or anyone else. I am actually surprised that she chose to end the communication with G. I have never gotten picked for teams, or for anything as a kid, or, honestly, as an adult. Basically, I have come to believe that if a choice was to be made, between me and somebody else... ANYbody else, actually... well, I wasn't getting picked. She picked me.
I let her read this blog last night, so that she would understand what was going on in my head these past weeks. I expected her to think I was fucked up or something. I was nervous about it, but felt that she needed to know where my head was at in order to be able to understand why I was as upset as I was.
When she came downstairs from reading this... she gave me a very long, very warm, very tight hug.
Its the best hug I have had in a long time... and it was the very best part of my day.
I heated some almond oil, and rubbed her hands and her feet with it. She has the most beautiful hands and feet in the world... and I wanted to make her feel as wonderful as that hug made me feel.
I think we are going to be okay now.... marriage has bumpy spots, and this was a bump in the road. She will love G, and have her dreams, and her memories... and perhaps one day she will want to look him up and see how he is doing.
In the meantime, she comes home to me, kisses me, holds me, and makes love to me.
I am happy with that.....

Now another big problem arises... What the hell am I going to write about now??

I'm off to work... it's another day, and, happily, one that won't be crushing me down with all of these awful thoughts and feelings. I'm worn out, and I'm sort of numb... but it feels wonderful after the other.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I am Trapped in a Hell of My Own Making....

This isn't going to be a post like the others... not completely. It will be mostly about the same subject that's been preoccuping my life lately, but, unlike the others, I feel no desire to try to be funny or flippant about any of this.

This post will be very honest... but not very upbeat at all. In the event you don't want to read something along those lines... you should perhaps stop reading this now.

This blog, at its heart, is mainly an outlet for my feelings. Feelings that I cannot express in any other way without costing H a great deal, emotionally.... I can't express them healthily, and I know that it isn't wise to bottle them up... so where do I turn?? I have chosen this venue, even though most likely nobody will read this.

Basically, I am pretty much at the end of my rope. I just don't know what to do, or where to turn... I have painted myself into a corner by being a total fool. I don't think I have ever felt so utterly sad and completely beaten down as I do today....

You see, I am now completely convinced that my wife is still in love, at least in part, with G. She will never be able to admit this to me... and I don't blame her for that.... She knows that it would kill me.... but, what she doesn't know is that I know it anyway, and it is killing me regardless...

As I have said in earlier posts, I have a very peculiar talent, although I have come to view it more as a curse these past months and weeks, in that I am able to discern a great deal, a phenomenal amount, truth be told, about a person's inner thoughts and feelings by observing them over time.... it's not any kind of psychic ability, I make no claims to that whatsoever.... although it has seemed so to others from time to time... You see, I have somehow learned, not deliberately, to watch people very, very closely, and to be able to put extremely small details away in my mind, as in a file, until such time as all of the various details form a cohesive picture in my mind. My mind works constantly on these details in the background, no matter what else I may be doing. At some point, the pieces drop into place.. in days, months, maybe even years.. but sooner or later, they usually do... and I am able to form extremely accurate conclusions based upon the totality of circumstances; my observations, facts that I have come to know, what I am told, or not told, a million different things.... As unlikely as it may sound, it is nevertheless true.... The better I know someone, the more I am able to fathom their thoughts, and their emotions.... and I know my wife fairly well....

I love her, you see.... fiercely, strongly, and everlastingly... she is my heart, my soul, my universe... I love her to the exclusion of all others, and with every fiber of my being.... I can't help it.... I just love her from the depths of my soul... she is my dream, my angel, my lover, everything to me.... she is the only thing in my life that is truly important to me.... and, as it turns out, this is the root of a great deal of pain for me these past weeks.

I want to make it clear to whoever reads this that I do not blame her in any way for anything that is going on, either factually, or within my heart or my mind.... this entire problem is of my own doing. I have idealized this relationship and created a perception of her that is, after all, perhaps more than any human is capable of living up to. Having said that, I am not at all sure how to fix it, or where to start....

I fell in love with her 16 years ago, and have loved her unfailingly every single day of my life since then... and I will love her until the day of my death,... perhaps beyond it if that turns out to be possible.

The problem, at least for me, is that she fell deeply in love with a married man, years ago, before we were ever together. He broke her heart, and messed her up, I think. She is a strong girl, and very smart, but she has a loving heart, and I think he hurt it more than I ever realized. She doesn't blame him for this. And, honestly, it isn't my place to blame anyone. I don't know the whole story, though I know more than either of them probably suspects that I do... not from prying, because I don't... but from simply watching, listening, and remembering... my heart and my brain put it together for me, and then I know....

My heart and my brain.... these are the real problems. I have been blessed, or, maybe it isn't such a blessing... with an extremely high intellect. It's nothing to be especially proud of, since I didn't actually accomplish anything to get it... I was born that way. I was also born with a very, very sensitive heart.... the emotional part, not the muscle.... I have the heart version of a glass jaw... I hate having my feelings hurt,... and it seems that everyone that I love and trust ends up crushing me eventually.... my fault, I have to admit... but it still hurts me.

When I first fell in love with my wife, many years ago... I actually feared her and avoided letting any type of relationship form between us any more than a very close friendship, which we had... the reason being that I recognized that If I were to give her my heart, she would be able to destroy it very easily....beause I would love her so strongly, and give of myself so completely, that I would be left naked and vulnerable as a result. Many years went by before we ever actually got together... partly because of my fear, and partly because of circumstances.

When we did finally find one another again... it was like magick! We got together on the night of the last eclipse of the milennium... and god did I fall for her.... utterly and completely.... I was hers body, mind, and soul from the first I am at this very moment, and will remain.

She may have subconsciously tried to let me know what danger I would face one day... because she sent me a URL to a list that she was posting to, obstensively to appreciate her sense of humor.... and as I read through the pages, and went back through time in the archives on the site, I found posts of hers stating that G was the love of her life, and outlining how much she loved him. It stung me badly, but we got over it, and moved on... or that's how it felt to me.

She told me about him, I knew him already, by the way.... and she contacted him and told him that she had fallen in love with me, and that she would not be contacting him any longer. I could tell even then that he was very special to her, but I was so consumed by her that I was ready to overlook anything if it meant that I could be with her... feel her arms around me, taste her beaufiful kisses, and drown in her eyes.....

It has been years since then.... we married a couple of years ago... and I have been so very happy....

My wedding day was the single happiest day in my life. Today is perhaps the saddest..... and I don't really know why... not really. Not when I try to get down to it.....

I was so happy, and so proud to marry her. She made me feel so desirable, like she loved me with every ounce that was in her.... I felt like the luckiest man in the world. I was so arrogant, so sure of her total love and commitment... I guess it's a joke of the gods to knock me back down into the mud... I feel so foolish....

She told me about contacting G, as I have outlined in earlier posts, but what she didn't know, and doesn't know, is that I already knew... I knew before she told me... and I knew it was coming before she ever hit a key on the keyboard.... you may think that I'm off my nut, but I'm telling the truth as I know it. I knew.

Her attitude towards me would change at times... she seemed resentful or slightly angry with me.... I knew that she was dreaming about him, I can feel it... I know it sounds insane, but I can... I cannot articulate what it is that I am observing or sensing, but I definitely knew... she would be sad after those dreams, but she wouldn't discuss it with me. She would try to keep it to herself... or pass it off as something else.... I knew that it would out eventually, but I prayed that it wouldn't.... I don't actually know what she was dreaming, and I never have asked. But, my heart tells me that I am right. All of the pieces fit too well for me to be too far off... though I wish more than I can say that I am wrong, I don't think that I am.

I don't know for sure, and I'm not even sure where this comes from, but I suspect that at times, when I'm not at home and she is, that she takes out old photos, or letters, or perhaps something that she or he may have written, concerning G, or their relationship.... if any of it even exists... I have never seen it, but I have a clear picture in my mind of her sitting, and looking through these things, running her fingers over the photos, or the pages, and pining for him.... missing him, yearning for him.... wanting to feel his kisses, his hands on her, him inside of her... I don't know..... It's completely crazy, but I am about 90% sure that I am on the money here.... I wish I weren't. But I am.

I think she would get sort of resentful towards me for intruding on these thoughts and feelings. Understandable. Everybody needs their space. So I have never said anything about it. It would be obnoxious and intrusive to say any of this.... I wouldn't like it, right or wrong.

She recently related a dream to me, of a blond haired hippie... a boy. She was in a vehicle with him and some other folks. She told me that there was an 'attraction' right away.... that is what she told me with her words.... But, with her body - her pupils, the flush of her skin... the cast of her head, her hands, and a million other minute details she told me that she was falling in love with him... it was a dream, but, this is what I could see by looking at her.... she ached for him, sexually. She wanted to put her hands all over him,... feel his skin, his hair, feel him inside of her... make love to him, love him, lose herself in him.... what happened in the dream is that she suddenly noticed that she was wearing her wedding ring and her engagement ring. They were in a hotel room, starting to make love when this took place.... she said that she was married and that she couldn't do what they were doing, and they stopped. She said that afterwards, she noticed a prison number tattooed on his neck, and she noticed that he looked older than she had originally thought that he was.... and she suspected that he had been in the military.
I interpret this dream, (admitedlly, I am no expert at this...) I think I am most likely wrong in many ways, maybe in all, but I suspect that I may not be all that far from the mark, either... I think that he represented the sexual and emotional freedom that she had in the past, and that the taking notice of the rings at the last moment represented how marriage has tied her down and prevented her in many ways from exercising that freedom. I think the prison number is indicative of the imprisoning, cloying, clinging, and confining feelings that she may be feeling since getting married. Or towards me... since I am the one that most represents the confinement, I guess. I don't want to be that... but I guess I still am...

I have no idea if a dream even means anything at all.... what I do know is that she never, ever dreams of me.... She is my dream... she is in most of my dreams. I sometimes wonder if that is because on some level I was maybe never accepted as being a bonafide part of her life deep down in her subconscious mind. I hope that that isn't so... but, it has crossed my mind..... perhaps I think too much.
I know that she dreams of G, and that it breaks her heart. How do I know?? I can't say. I just know it. He, conversely, undoubtedly *IS* a part of her life.... a lifelong, never-ending, cherished part. They have a pact to always look one another up and see how each other is faring. Understandable. Love doesn't just go away, and friendships are important. But we had a pact too.... "Nobody gets in!", meaning that we would never let another living soul come between us. I feel as though that pact has been broken... at least to some degree. It dismays me. And it makes me very, very sad... I feel that something has been taken from me... that I am a fool, a dupe, a sucker....

I know that the last post was all upbeat. And so I felt. We had a wonderful weekend together, and at least on the surface, everything felt great... but underneath, things were apparently roiling in my mind, and in my heart.

I have a new wrinkle lately... it's pretty weird, and I can't explain it, but I can describe it. When I go to sleep, I wake up at some point, it feels as though from a sound sleep to me, crying. Sobbing, actually. I feel as though my lungs are constricted and I can't draw a breath. It scares me a little, because it's never happened before. I don't know what the hell is going on with me... but I know that it isn't right, whatever it is. It started not long after this whole issue with G, so I am making a leap and a bound and drawing a conclusion that they are somehow related. I generally get out of the bed as quickly and as quietly as possible and go elsewhere until it subsides, and then I go back to sleep.
Last night, I inadvertently woke H doing this. She sounded frightened and concerned, at first... and then annoyed and angry with me. At one point she said that she was freaked out and then asked me if I was hearing voices. I was extremely offended at that, and moved downstairs to the couch. I have to say this; I would never, ever, under any circumstances, ever raise my hand to her, or hurt her in any way, shape or form. I resent the suggestion, no matter from who, that I might. I may break down and cry my eyes out. I may run from her and put as much distance as I can between us if she ever betrayed me... but I would never harm her. I couldn't believe that she had said that to me. You see, if the tables were turned, and I woke up to find her crying or upset in any way, my first, middle, and last thought would be to comfort her, and to try to fix whatever was wrong. At the very least, I would hold her and comfort her, even if I didn't understand exactly what the issue was. I wouldn't get angry, annoyed, or miffed by her being upset. I admit that I am much more likely to be upset than she is, but I still maintain that I would act the same way, regardless. If she were that upset over something that I were doing, or failing to do, regardless of whether it was my right to do it or no.... I would cease doing whatever it was, or do whatever it was that was necessary to restore her peace of mind. I think that it may be too much to expect that out of others, and, in all fairness, I shouldn't... but it *is* what I would do.... where she is concerned, nothing comes before her..... period.
She came down stairs and asked me to come back upstairs to bed, which I did... but I didn't feel comfortable, and I didn't really sleep all night long... at one point I drifted off and dreamed that I was swimming..... I let myself slip beneath the waves, and I could see as though I were looking, and floating through air instead of water.... and I didn't seem to need to breathe.... it was very peaceful... and very restful. We just watched the movie "Open Water" on video a few days ago, and the girl did just that... slipped beneath the waves... so I suppose that that is where that dream emanated from....
When were were laying in the bed, we discussed the G situation. She was angry and resentful, and said that she wasn't free to do what she wanted, or to have a friend. She kept saying that talking to G was simply looking up an old friend, and drawing parallels between other old friends that she has looked up...but the comparison wasn't at all valid from my viewpoint. I told her that in my opinion, she had fallen in love with him, it had ended without proper closure for her, and I suspected, or actually knew, that she was either still in love with him, or at least still loved him. She denied that, though her pupillary dilation, and the flush of her skin and facial expression, and a host of other things, disagreed with her words.... she is still in love with him, or, at the very least, she loves him....dearly. And she cannot be blamed for what she feels in her heart.
The difficult part for me is that all I really have ever wanted..... ALL that I have ever wanted... is to be completely loved by her.... I want to be the star of her show, and the sole target of her affections.... just as she is of mine. I don't know if it is an unreasonable desire, but I want it more than anything in the world... and, it appears that it is something that she cannot give. At least a part of her loves G. Very much.
Some people would say to me that I should be happy to have the love that I *do* have... and I am. I very much am. But what I must answer is this;

In my mind. And apparently, erroneously. I have constructed a perception of her love. An idealized, larger than life, magickal, and, I suppose, unrealisticly expectant view of her loving only me, with all of her heart.... wanting nobody else, loving nobody else, and giving all of herself to me for all time. I can honestly say that this IS how I feel about her. Completely. There is no other person in my life, in my heart, in my desires, or in my dreams... only my beautiful wife.

I am coming to realize that I may have been putting way too much of a demand on her. And I now recognize that it isn't fair. But no matter what my brain tells me, my heart still wants just that. And nothing less.

I have also come to realize, to my dismay and to my bitter disappointment, that I have given my heart to her, and that she can destroy me without even realizing it. She feels that she has a right to pursue her own happiness, to contact whoever she feels like contacting, and to maintain a relationship with whomever she pleases.... even though it may cause me a great deal of pain. She is right, of course. She does have that right. What she also has, is a responibility.... because whatever she does affects not only her... but me, as well. I don't want to tie her down. I don't want to cling to her or confine her in any way.... I just want to love her. I also want her to love me.

She has unknowingly broken my heart. Something is dead and broken inside. I am sadder than I can ever remember being.... she said to me that nothing has changed. That she loves me the very same as she has always loved me. I'm not sure if that means that she loves me exactly the way I have always perceived, and that her loving or caring for G isn't even a blip on the radar, or that I have simply misinterpreted the relationship completely, and that I have never actually been top of the list.

Of course, if you really look at this situation, she would be happy with the way things are because she gets the best of both worlds, and no door is completely closed to her. She is in contact with G, however appropriately, and she is married and living with me. If things were to go differently, he is right there... would they discuss our marital problems?? Would she tell him things about me?? I don't know... I don't think so.... I know that I wouldn't if it were me, and we have talked about this circumstance, in general terms, and have agreed that neither of us would ever discuss this sort of thing with anyone outside of the marriage.

Would it escalate into an affair?? Would she come to despise me for being an obstacle to her... or am I simply a complete asshole who has everything that he ever wanted and is making a huge thing over nothing?? I have to deal with the worst case scenario while hoping for the best... because its the worst case scenario that will hurt me.... of course, I can't avoid it if that is where its going to go.... if she wants to have a relationship elsewhere, she can... and I can't stop her. I pray that she will be happy with me... though I can't imagine how anyone could be at all happy with me the way I have been acting out lately.... I'm driving her out of her mind, and acting like a lunatic... and I don't know why!!

That is understandable, actually. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, god knows. Nor am I the best. I'm just me, and, upon closer inspection... it doesn't honestly seem like very much to be......

G was exiting... there was planning, and passion, and sneaking around. Forbidden love and forbidden sex... and he chose not to leave his life, his wife, his children... and he chose not to make a life with her. And it broke her heart.

She has said to me, "I married YOU." "I'm with YOU". What is not being said, and what is also an unavoidable truth is that she had no say in whether she could have married him. I don't doubt as I sit here today that she would have married him and made a life with him in a second, had the opportunity availed itself. He was the love of her life. What I will now wonder, for all of my life.... or, until it should happen, if that were to ever take place.... is what she would do were he to leave his wife and kids, and contact her and say, "Come to me. Marry me. Make a life with me." What would she choose, really?? Would she stay with me?? Or would she leave and go to him?? I would like, I would LOVE to know in my heart that she would stay with me... and that it would be what she most wanted in all of the world... but it seems to me that she missed him terribly all these years... and was finally moved to contact him to know how he was doing, and to have him back in her life... at least in some form, in some way, in some small measure... for how ever long that would turn out to be.

Nobody is ever driven to contact me... to have me back in their life. To know how I am doing. I'm not particulary needful of that... in fact, I don't want it... but, nevertheless, nobody has ever loved me enough to want to even try....

I can't help but wonder what it is about him that is so much better than me. He speaks to her, touches her, moves her... deep down in her soul.

It haunts me to think that all this time I may have been the booby prize. Second choice. Someone acceptable to settle for. She couldn't have what she wanted most, so she took me. Maybe it was an effort to make him realize what he was losing, and bring him back to her arms. I don't think that this is so. She isn't cruel, she isn't mean, and she isn't hurtful. She can be a little bit selfish at times, though, when pursuing her heart's dreams, as any of us can... as, indeed, I am being right this moment. I don't know if any of my suppositions are true. I don't think that they are.... I truly believe that H loves me, and that she is in love with me.... but it is also quite apparent to me that I am not enough to be the only one in her heart. No matter how fervently I wish it.... I'm just not. That is my hard cold reality.

The truly sad reality for me is that there is absolutely nothing that I can do about that.

She used to look at me with a look that melted my soul. Once in a while I see that look, but not like before. I guess she has grown a little tired of me perhaps... I suppose it's bound to happen to the best of us. Though I have never grown tired of her. Not one bit. Back then, I could see how she wanted me... hungered for me... but over the past months... maybe years... that has tapered off somewhat.... There are many plausible reasons for this.... there always are. That's what makes these situations so very complicated. I now wonder if the passion that she felt for him was projected onto me... if, in fact, I have been found at long last to be wanting....

She cannot tell me that I'm the only one that she is in love with... or she won't. I guess it wouldn't be true. She says that I can't expect her to erase her past, that I wasn't the first love in her life. I don't expect her to erase her past. But I do wish that she would leave the past in the past and live in the present with me. She says that I crowd her and that she needs space. I don't feel that I need space from her.... I crave her. I desire her. I look forward to time with her as though it were water in the desert... I don't have any other loves to make room for, though... so, maybe its just different. Its apparently something that I am going to have to learn to accept. She deserves that bit of respect from me. She's a good egg. She really is. She deserves so very much that I'm not able to give to her... I wish that I could. I know that I'm not the best catch out there. But I also know that nobody could ever love her half as much as I do. I guess if she really loves someone else, that doesn't amount to much, though...

I tried so hard to not let this affect me in this way. I wanted to be understanding. I wanted to be supportive. Intellectually, I am. I still am. But in my heart, I was torn apart. My whole world feels as though it has been ripped out from under me... I feel weak. Weak in soul, weak in mind - for not being able to accept this. Admittedly, flags were flying up all over the place... I instinctively know that this is a danger area for me... and for us. I also know that there is nothing that I can do to change it. If in fact she is in love with G, then that is how she feels, and there can be no blame in that. It is the worst news of all for me... because she is my entire world. But, we love who we love. She said that I should have let her know that it was affecting me this way. The truth is that I did tell her. In plain words, in actions, in tears, every way that I knew how... but she didn't want to hear that. She didn't want that obstacle to be in her path. I understand her feelings, she wants to be able to have it all there, in a way that it doesn't make anyone unhappy, and nobody gets hurt. In a way that she can get what she wants or needs without taking anything away from me or anyone else... I know that's how she would want it. She is kind. To a fault. But, in this case, I don't think that it's possible... at least I am coming to feel that it isn't... because I definitely feel as though something has been taken from me, my wife's total and complete love, my peace of mind, the firm ground underneath my feet, my right to a good night's sleep, the ability to go through a day without feeling as though I am standing on the trapdoor with a noose around my neck... I feel diminished, somehow smaller... and less.... less of a man, less of a husband, less of a human... just....well.... less.

I am terrified that I am now in the position of keeping her from what she truly wants more than anything in the world. That is the last thing I want. I want her to be happy. Of course, I want her to be happy with me. In honesty, without her, I don't actually have anything at all. But, I wouldn't want to hold her back if being with me isn't what she wants. I wonder if perhaps she wasn't actually prepared to marry me. Maybe it seemed so much better of an idea in the fantasizing, and not quite what she had hoped in reality. Please don't let that be so...

She accused me of being the 'thought police' last night. She said that I crowd her and that I am confining, and that I am always hawking her. She resents the fact that I see what I see... she said that I should better leave some things unsaid and unnoticed, that a woman likes to have at least the illusion of some privacy. I thought I had done that. There is a great deal that I never address. I never realized that I was like that, and the realization still stings. I don't want to be her oppressor, and I never, ever considered that I might be... I never realized before that there may be parts of her life that she wanted to keep hidden from me. It just never crossed my mind. My life has always been a complete open book to her. There was no part of me that I wouldn't share with her. I guess I just expected that she felt the same way. I never really took a look at it. I don't want to be a drag on her. I really just want to be a cause of happiness in her life. I felt that we were strong, she and I, and that nothing could ever come between us or change the love that we felt for one another. More than anything I ache to see the look of love in her eyes when she looks at me. To feel how she loves me when she kisses me. I want to be her one and only, her reason for being. Is it unrealistic to want this???

As I was writing this, she came up and told me that she had 'signed off' with G. I had asked her not to do that, because if she isn't happy with me, or if she is happier talking with him, or needs to, or wants to, or whatever the situation may be.....that is what she should do. Mostly, I don't think that it is right for her to break contact on my account. I don't want to play that role. I think that this is only likely to cause her to resent me now.... it's a bitter feeling... I feel hollow, and empty... and mean; Like I took away some measure of happiness from her. She said that I was making her pay for caring about someone else, and that her sentence was to have to have this thrown in her face over and over... I don't think that that's what I am doing. At least it isn't what I'm doing consciously.... I suppose that whether I do it deliberately or inadvertently, then I am doing it... in which case it is ill-conceived and ill done and I'm sorry for it. I feel lacking in that I am apparently unable to control my emotions regarding this whole thing.... This has never been an issue.... only now. I feel as though my relationship is being threatened, and I am rattling my sabre for all I'm worth in defense of that, .... even though my brain doesn't want me to. I suppose it can help me to understand her a little bit more. And maybe, she would understand me if she were to read this, which she won't, and be able to understand my feelings without getting angry or defending her position. Because whether she hurts me deliberately, or hurts me unknowingly... it still hurts me every bit as much. And, I think that may be what I have done to her.

Some how, I have ended up being the bad guy in this.. I feel like I have rained on everyone's parade, and fucked up everybody else's happiness. I feel like shit.

All day long today, I was on the verge of tears. My guts have been churning, and I threw up twice. I feel as though my world is coming apart and there is nothing that I can do to stop it. This really sucks. I have been through some truly trying times in my life. I have been majorly fucked over by women in the past, and I have had my feelings dashed to hell... but I have never reacted like this. Then again, I have never loved anyone or felt that anyone or anything was half as important as H.

All I wanted was to love my wife, and to be loved by her in equal part. That's it.

It seems like a cruel joke to let me have a glimpse of this love that has made me so very happy these past years.... happier than I have ever been in my life.... and to then take it away from me, or show it to be somehow less than what if felt like..... I pray that I am wrong about everything. I pray that she loves me more than she can ever say. I need her like I need air.
If I ever realize that she feels about G the way I feel about her, it will utterly destroy me. I can't even think on it without feeling sick....

Would she be happier with him?? I wonder if she wishes me out of her way.... I wonder if it would be a kindness for me to simply go.... I wonder if in all the years we were together if I were simply a surrogate lover, taking his part, and filling his role.... only to be incapable of satisfying her or fulfilling her in the end....

I was on an errand from work today, and I stopped into a local drugstore to purchase a plastic quart bottle. I carry iced tea in a plastic bottle to work... but my bottle had cracked, and was slowly leaking tea... and I wanted to replace it. The girl behind the counter was attractive and friendly. She apparently read something about my face or my carriage, because she said "these slow days are so long... and if you have any worries on your mind, you drive yourself crazy over them. Don't drive yourself crazy!" It surprised me that she could hit the nail on the head so. I made my purchase, and left. I was grateful for the kindness that she had shown, in trying to empathize with me, even though she didn't know me at all. I found myself more than ever wishing that H had said that to me... that she had taken me in her arms, told me that she loved me, and told me that it was all going to be okay... that she would do whatever was necessary to ensure that nothing would affect our relationship.... but, I don't know if she can do that. After all, she has a heart to follow, just as I do. I don't know whether that means that she will do exactly that, or whether that means that she will stay with me and be sad and unhappy, missing G, and grieving over lost chances.... or whether she will one day decide that this isn't the life that she either wants or needs, and will move on...
I have noticed that she has drifted away from me in very small increments over time... that could be nothing, or it could be very telling, indeed.
I know that I will love her with all my heart, no matter what happens.

I hope and pray that she wont break me.... I don't think I am strong enough to recover... because when all is said and done, I still believe that we belong together, that she loves me, that she is in love with me, and that she will stay with me and love me for the rest of our lives... that's my dream, and that is the single most valuable thing that I have ever owned.

To lose it will kill me. I know that.

So... I am lost. I don't know what to do, if anything... and I don't have a soul to turn to. I have no one to talk to about this... and it is tearing my heart out.

If anyone out there can offer anything that may help... I beg you to do so. I feel so alone.. and I don't know what to do. I am afraid that I will push her away from me by my behavior, and that I will cause all of this to take place if I continue on like this... and I am terrified that I could lose her to him if I just stand by and let it happen.... I trust her. I do. But feelings and love happen... they are strong. Stronger than we are..... and if she is in love with him, she is already lost to me... and I don't know what I'll do.

Please help me.... if any of you have ever been through this, or if you can see that I am way off or anything at all... I could so use a kind word right now. I don't have a friend in all of the world that can help me with this... and I am absolutely paralyzed with fear over this....

When I married her, I believed that we would be in love for ever..... I want that more than anything else.... I love her so....

She has been having some self-esteem issues lately... she feels as though she has gained too much weight, and it is really tearing her up inside. If only she could realize that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me.... I have never once looked at her, ever, under any circumstances, and not lost my breath... she is so beautiful to me.

I wonder if maybe she just needs to hear other men tell her so... or if she wants to know that she still 'has it'.... if only she would look at me and see how much I love her.... how very perfect she is in my eyes.... but she doesn't.... and I don't know what to do.

If any of you could offer anything at all, I would look on it as a great kindness...

This is really a bad day..... I apologize for being so pathetic.... I just don't know where to turn.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Bagpipes, Old Neighborhoods, Romance, Awkward Blurt, and Talking it Out...

We got up Saturday morning, made love all morning, and after getting showered and dressed, went out for breakfast, then headed out on the road to Newark, New Jersey to watch the Metro Cup competition. We arrived at the hotel, checked-in, got our bearings and I saw a guy wearing an 'Airborne' shirt with a pair of jump wings embroidered on it... I asked him what unit he had served in, and he said that he was in the 3rd and 10th Special Forces Groups. I myself had served in 1st Ranger Battalion, and later in 1st Special Forces Group, and I told him so (Specifically in 1st Special Forces Detatchment, Korea, or SF-DET-K). I shook his hand, we introduced ourselves, and then I got down to 'business' and 'coined' him. As it turned out, he had his coin, and this meant that I owed him a drink (if he didn't have it, he would have owed one to me...)(Anyone who is lost here, drop me a comment and I'll explain the whole challenge coin thing... it's a military thing, and specifically an elite forces thing.. or, at least, it used to be...). He said that he would take that drink later on in the evening (Chris was his name, and he was there to observe the Metro Cup Competition as well), and we agreed to meet at the bar later on. With that, H and I decided that we didn't need to be wandering about in the hotel lobby and headed back up to the room to .... kill a little time, in the best way we know how...
It was a very nice afternoon!

We headed down to dinner, I bought Chris his drink, and we went on in and took our seats for the competition. It was fantastic!! I am completely floored by the skill and talent that we were witness to... I just can't!! (I don't know *what* it is that I can't. But I just Can't!!) The pipers that were competing were phenomenal. I am completely motivated, and want to get back to work and start improving my skills once again!!

After the competition, we considered heading into the bar for the post-competition ceilidh (a ceilidh ((pronounced KAY-LEE)) is a party, a celebration, a get together... usually with music played in person by musicians... specifically traditional celtic music... and dancing... drinking, laughing, the whole bit...) We mulled it over for about three seconds, and instead decided to head up to our room to 'kill some more time'.

We woke up when we woke up, this morning (Sunday), and once again, spent the morning making love... it was a very romantic, loving, wonderful morning.

We showered and dressed, packed our stuff and as we were heading out the door, I blurted out something that was extremely ill-timed, and ill-conceived... I asked H if she was still turned on by G. In all honesty, these sorts of insane thoughts have been intruding since this whole thing started out... She didn't really give me an answer.. but instead said that it more or less pissed her off that I would bring that up at such a time. She said it was like somebody puking on her ice-cream cake.

We checked out, and headed back towards the NJ Turnpike, all the while the atmosphere in the vehicle being extremely uncomfortable. I finally broke the silence by spilling my guts about how the whole thing was affecting me. H said.. "I guess this means that I'm not free to have a friend, if that is what I want to do...." I said that it wasn't quite as simple as all that. She said that he was an old friend. I said that that was crap, and that he was an old lover. She said, "How about if I start talking about (Ex's Name - We'll call her 'Splap-Thing' for the purposes of this Blog) all the time?? I replied, "I don't talk to Splap-Thing... I don't miss her, I don't yearn for her, and I didn't contact her!! I got a look at that point.. but no reply.

After a few more miles, I said, "I don't mean to be such a dick about this... and I don't mean to try to control you.. but you have to realize that what you do affects me. I don't like the way I feel about this whole thing, truth be told, but I still feel the way I feel. I try to not let it intrude on our relationship, but it is absolutely driving me out of my tree... and at times, it's going to come out sideways."

She said, "Well, I guess I'll have to write to him and tell him that we can't talk anymore... it isn't fair that you should have to live that way, either...."

And... to my surprise... to my great and complete surprise, I said, "NO!! I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to stop talking to your friend on account of me. It isn't fair, and it isn't right. I guess I am just afraid of losing you... of losing your love. You see, I love you more than you can even guess... and the thought that my wife is very probably attracted to, and possibly still in love with another man just rips my guts out!! I just don't want you to stop loving me, or to think that you are drifting away from me into the arms of another man."

She said, "I'm not going anywhere. I love YOU. YOU are the best person I have ever known. He had his chance. He is a friend. I care about him, and I want to know that he is doing okay. But that's as far as it goes. I would like to think that you trust me enough to to the right thing.

I said, "I'm sorry for being a dick about this whole thing. I don't want you stop talking to your friend on account of me. But I have one request to ask of you..... Please don't hurt me.... " At this point, I could feel tears welling up and spilling down my face, as embarassing and pathetic as that sounds... (luckily, I had on sunglasses, so was spared some degree of dignity...)

She replied, "I won't. You are my heart. I won't hurt you.... I Love You."

I have paraphrased this conversation, and compressed some stuff to make it easier to read and understand for those of you who weren't there... which pretty much takes up the whole kit and kaboodle of you!!

We went to an old diner that my family had traditionally gone to every week when I was little... I hadn't been there in many years. H thought that it was pretty cool that I took her there. We had breakfast, and as it turns out, the waitress knew my grandparents. I took H on a tour of some of my old neighborhoods, my elementary school, and other haunts. She thought that it was cool to be able to see the places that she had heard me talk about over the years.

After that, we got back on the road and headed home. We listened to an audio book all afternoon, and I worked on an embroidery project (Yes... I embroider... among many other things... I'm an odd duck).

While we were making dinner, we discussed the whole H and G thing and really worked a lot of stuff out. While I am still not comfortable about the whole thing, I feel that at least H understands how I feel and now I understand a little better how she feels. Most importantly, we both know that I will support her even if it's in something that I don't completely agree with. Because, well,... that's what we do.

I'm glad I'm married to her. She's the best woman in all of the world. I'm lucky!

Saturday, February 19, 2005

This is starting to become a habit....

Another disturbing dream: (This one really sucks)

I was dreaming along, minding my own business, having my usual nonsensical mish-mash of a dream, when at one point I was somehow teaching a group of people how to execute an extended PT Formation (for you non-military minded folks PT means Physical Training -- If you do PT in a regular formation, everyone kicks and hits and bumps into one another... you need more room, so there is a set way to get everybody into an extended formation in as quick a manner as possible. Why would I be teaching this to a group of co-workers, friends, acquaintences and family members?? Your guess is as good as mine...I have been out of the military now for about 13 or so years. I was a Drill Sergeant for a number of years, so I suppose it creeps in even now... most folks, by the way, are shocked to hear that I was a Drill Sergeant, or Cop (at one time), I guess I don't seem the type or something. I am basically a gentle, easy-going person...(what most folks don't realize is that most of the Drill Sergeants and Cops around, at least the ones that I have known, are generally very funny, likeable guys and gals. The part that most folks see, though, is an act... it helps us to get our job done. Drill Sergeants and Cops are not usually that way except when they are "on stage" - the ones that are usually go nuts in short order and end up doing something dreadful. There's a cheery thought for ya!) (Man, I love parentheses and conversational asides, tangents, and the like!!! Wheeeee!) though, the bear has claws under certain circumstances.... hardly ever, though....) Herendith the tangent. ANYway... I was teaching an extented PT formation to a bunch of folks, go figure, and as I walked around making on-the-spot corrections, I came upon H and G who were standing in a cubby-hole between stacked boxes (we were in sort of a warehouse or lumberyard like lot with crates stacked up here and there... I don't know where that came from... somewhere in my brain's sub-basement, I guess...). They didn't see me, and I stood there, rooted to the spot and shocked beyond comprehension... H was kissing G in a manner that I can only describe as 'hungrily'. She kept rubbing her body all over him, and running her hands all over his body. I just stood there, quietly, letting my world crumble at my feet... and said nothing.
At some point, G noticed me, and gave H a poke.... she opened her eyes and they both gaped at me for a second, and H inhaled to say something. I put my hand up, palm facing outward, in the international sign for "JUST STOP!", and she held her tongue. I said to G "You suck. You're shit in my eyes....." and to H ".... and so are you." Not in a forceful manner... just in a sort of flat, dead, matter-of-fact, I-guess-none-of-this-really-matters-to-anyone-when-you-finally-get-down-to-it sort of a fashion... and then I walked away, and went back to teaching my class. It wasn't a big deal of a class, when you get down to brass tacks, but it was my class, and it needed teaching.

I woke up, right about then, and after the longest pee in the history of humankind, I laid back down in bed, and realized that I was more or less furious at H. Of course, this is pretty insane, since she hasn't actually done anything, but nonetheless, I was pissed! The vision in my head her her kissing him went straight up my ass! I laid there fuming for a couple of minutes, until the humor of it finally wormed it's way through and struck me, and then I laughed at my stupid self and rolled over and went back to sleep.... thankfully, there were no more dreams of infidelity, betrayal, dog attacks, or anything else that I found disturbing....

Today, we are off to Newark NJ (blech!) to see the Eastern United States Pipe Band Association's (EUSPBA) premier solo bagpipe competition - the Metro Cup. This is a competition between about ten of the top bagpipers in the association, which covers the entire eastern United States. I generally leave this event both elated, and dejected. Elated at how fantastic these pipers are, and dejected at the fact that I suck by comparison, and will most likely never attain anything near that sort of skill. I am a piper, folks... I am Scottish, Irish, Welsh, and Rroma (aka Gypsy) by descent. Not that one must be any of those to be a piper, but this is primarily where the interest was sparked... in addition to an appreciation of pipe music. I know that most people don't care for the instrument, it is, admittedly, an acquired taste.. but I love it!! (and yes, I wear a kilt, and no, we don't wear anything under it except for shoes and socks!). Should I post a pic of Bear in Highland dress replete with bagpipes??

Friday, February 18, 2005


Disturbing dreams last night... there is a pattern emerging now, it would seem, involving dogs, which is passing strange to me since I love dogs, and always have. I have never had any fear of them, and still don't... so I'm not sure what the dog metaphor is all about. I am sure that I didn't much care for the dream however... it's been rattling about in the basement of my head all day...

H and I apparently own an antique store (in actuality, we do not... it doesn't occur to me to find this at all strange in the dream, however... ). H has somehow procured a dog. It is at once a new dog, and a dog that she has apparently owned for quite some time (don't ask... I don't know.. I'm just relating how the bloody dream went...). If she has owned the dog for a long time, It is a bit dodgy, because I have never seen the dog... though in the dream I am apparently supposed to know that she has it or has had it, and I am expected to be accepting of this (which, in real life I most likely would be.. in the dream, I instantly distrust and dislike the dog. The feeling is mutual - the dog hates me as well -- this is indeed strange, because, as a rule, animals take to me immediately, and me to them. Very rarely does an animal not like me).

The dog is some class of a sled dog or other northern breed.. a malamute, akita, shiba inu, chow, something along those lines... with a reddish coloring and a tail that curls. It is sort of indistinct in my mind, though I was left with an impression of staring, fiercely insane yellowish brown eyes... staring gimlet eyes... like a hungry tiger.

Anyway... in the dream, every time this dog laid eyes on me, it would charge me and attack me.. as I would try to fight it off, H would be haranguing me, telling me to be careful not to hurt or traumatize the dog in any way. The dog wasn't latching on to my clothing, now.. it was ripping pieces of me from my body... wonderfully permanent. (!!!) (Now... I realize that it was just a dream.. but that is now, with the benefit of hindsight... during the dream, I didn't realize that I was dreaming, and this was all very real to me... live and in technicolor!). So, this would happen, over and over... each time the dog would attack me, H would more or less side with the dog, and not be in the slightest bit concerned with me, my safety, or my feelings.

She isn't like that, and I'm sure that she would dive right in to help me if this ever actually happened... but I didn't like the way it made me feel in the dream, and I don't like the way the remembrance of it makes me feel now....

The whole dog thing is very bizarre to me... and so is the antique store. What the fuck is that all about??

I am starting to feel that the conversation/email relationship between H and G is about due to run its course in its present form, which means that I am already waiting for the other shoe to drop in the sense that in my opinion, the initial careful dancing around getting reaquainted bit is probably coming to an end and one or the other may start to want to take this a step further, either by talking on the telephone, or meeting up... I'm not at all ready for this, and, honestly, am afraid that I will freak completely if this comes to pass. I sort of feel wrong in feeling that way... (about bugging out over this...), but I also feel that I am accurate in my assessment of this as something that isn't good for me in any way, shape or form.

The shitty part of the whole thing, is that there isn't really much that I can do about it that wouldn't make things go to shit.

One major fear that I have is that this relationship will continue on, and that it will continue to affect me in such a fashion that I will continue to pull away, introvert, or whatever the hell is going on with me to the extent that I will adversely affect the relationship - in essence, shooting myself in the foot.

This whole emotional business is truly a double-edged sword. I have never felt anything so absolutely wonderful as the way I feel being in love and being loved by H. Conversely, I haven't felt many feelings as fucked up as when I thought that things have been wrong between us...

I have always felt that we were extemely strong together, and that nothing whatsoever would ever be able to come between us. I don't feel that we are falling apart, but I am concerned in light of this whole development with G. I really can't stand this dude. I don't know why, or if I'm being unfair, or what. But I can't. The most fucked up thing is that if I knew that he were in need of help, I would be obligated to help him because H considers him a friend. Imagine that! I would probably feel like kicking myself, but I would still do what I could for him.

A sucker born every minute.... three cheers for Bear's brain!!

So how do I react if they decide to go out as "friends" somewhere?? Lose my motherfucking mind and go completely batshit, over-the-top, apeshit, bananas? (well... apeshit *is* bananas, which is somewhat redundant.. but... well.... ). Garrgargharrgh!! I want to scream.

H notices sometimes that something isn't right with me... she will ask me what's wrong, but I avoid talking about it, because it's the same old situtaion still, she has made known that she is bound to continue along this path... and that she doesn't feel that she is doing anything wrong, just as I have made my feelings about it be known... so, we are at an impasse. I don't want to continuously get into this, to where we are both left feeling isolated and uncomfortable... so I basically avoid answering the question. I won't lie to her, though... if she were to ask me directly if I were upset or bent out of shape as a result of the G situation, I would answer "yes" "absolutely"... which would most likely just tick her off. She doesn't really seem to want to know that I am not happy with this situation. She doesn't seem to want to know how I feel about it at all. She just wants to have this guy in her life in some fashion, and apparently, my feelilngs are somewhat low on the food chain in that regard.... from my point of view, somewhere around phytoplankton... pfshtt!

The reality is, I can't follow her around and check up on her, and I can't control her actions, thoughts, or feelings... nor would I want to. I do wish, however, that my feelings were just a tad higher on the give-a-hairy-rat's-ass-O-meter.

At some point in the future, I will look back on this and either say, "Wow, what an asshole I was.. making such a big deal out of nothing!", or, conversely, I will look back on this and say, "Wow, what an asshole I was.. I saw that whole thing coming and sat there with my thumb up my ass and let it happen, ... what a dick!"

At work, I was somehow elected the Bagel bitch... So now I have to stop on the way to work and pick up a bag of bagels. I feel so very important...

I have just recently gotten over a miserable cold or flu... today I had a customer leaning on the counter, reeking of Vicks, eyes like two pissholes in the snow, sniffling and sucking snot and looking for all the world like the Ebola poster boy. I asked him if he was sick. "Why?!" he demanded to know... I explained that if in fact he was sick, would he mind taking a step back, or at least not leaning into me and coughing and breathing in my face. He got bent out of shape over that and said, accusingly, that if it were his girlfriend leaning on the counter, that I wouldn't say that to her... (what the FUUUUCK does that mean, anyway??). I ensured him that if she were sick, I would most definitely ask her to remover herself and her effluvia from my general vicinity... I explained that I meant in no way to be offensive or insulting, but that I have been getting sick over and over since October, (I don't generally get sick at all... I have been sick constantly since I started this job due to fucksticks like him who don't have the common courtesy to avoid expelling his airborne pathogens into other people's faces....), and that I would very much appreciate it if he would please avoid leaning so that his face was inches from mine.. and that it would most likely be best for both of us. He got somewhat belligerent with me until I basiclly took a step back away from him and just looked at him with the blandest, blankest, most non-threatening stare that I have in my arsenal, at which point he stood up and took a step back. Why on earth couldn't he have done that from the start??? Fuck-knuckle!!

I got a few odd stares from everyone over that, and fully expected to get a basketball sized new asshole reamed for myself, but everyone more or less expressed that they thought that I was well within my rights to ask the guy to back off a little. I felt a bit awkward about the whole thing, but I'll take awkward over coughing and choking my lungs out.

I was in the library today, and there was a woman who was browsing the shelves next to me who was chattering a running commentary of whatever happened to be going through her mind at the time. It was sort of like watching a very small child playing... where they haven't yet learned to internalize their thoughts.... I was mildly fascinated by this, and found it somewhat disturbing... I wonder if she does this constantly, and if she can control what she says... what if she has thoughts that are potentially embarassing were they to be communicated?? !! That could be dicey.... imagine if she would like to shag the friend of her husband that her husband just introduced her to... yikes!!

I have decided that I am grateful that I can't know every thought that H has... While much of her thoughts would undoubtably (undoubtedly? Undoubtably? -- Without a friggin' doubt!!) be interesting to me, I imagine that there are a great many thoughts that I would simply not want to be aware of....

I still have to knock off about twenty ejaculations to be completely fishey-free... then I have to submit a specimen to a lab to be tested, at which time I suppose I will be officially deemed "All Juice and No Seeds!" - I wonder if I'll get a certificate or anything?? It's sort of weird to think that I have to walk into a medical office full of strangers, all of who will know that I basically have just been stretching my noodle to obtain the sample... Man... not too high on the dignity department.

Since about October I have apparently decided, somewhere along the line, that I must eat everything that comes within arms reach. Machine parts, food items, small unattended children, building materials, hazardous chemicals, and just about every other substance or object that I come across... I have probably put on between ten or twenty pounds... obviously, this isn't good. Measures will have to be taken. I don't even want to know what I weigh, it will just depress me. As soon as I can safely get back to the gym and not have to fear ending up with my stones in my socks, I will be happily working hard and sweating my ass off... I need to get back on a training schedule... I feel weird not working out. (I wonder if that has anything at all to do with me losing my mind over this whole H/G issue??) I need endorphins!!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Obnoxious thoughts... dreary weather....

I was miserable tired when the clock went off... I felt like spilled fuck. Dragged my ass out to work... a seminar today. This entails sitting in a chair and listening to some speaker drone on about something that I'm not particularly interested in... which means, essentially, that I end up inside my head. Usually I enjoy this... lately, it is draining...

Naturally, I was thinking about this thing with H and G. I still hate it. And I still feel like an asshole for doing so. I think about any ex that I have... I don't want to go back to them, and I don't want to have sex with them. If I heard news about them, I may or may not be interested depending upon who it was, I suppose... In most cases, I would not be all that interested... The point being; I am not anxious to run into their arms or into their bed. I believe the same is true so far as H is concerned. The part that vexes me, is that I also wouldn't go and look up an ex. I just wouldn't. I don't understand why she is intent upon bringing someone into her life that can only cause problems... what is the benefit? They can't have a normal friendship?? Could this be one of those feminine I want to know if others still find me attractive things??

Why has this taken on such larger than life proportions for me?? I have flags flying up all over the place... to the point where I am, (I'm embarassed to say...pfssht) actually physically reacting to it... adrenaline, elevated heartbeat, the whole thing... it's completely fucking stupid, and yet... here I am...

After all this time, and all that I have experienced and learned... after all of the shit that I have been through, and here I am - acting like a child (at least in my mind).

I am noticing periods of time where I withdraw into myself... periods of time when I am just unaccountably sad. I think this may stem from the fact that I have been harboring these idolized feelings about the relationship... we are special, we are magick, there is no other couple like us... etc. I felt like my feet were on solid ground, and that H had eyes for nobody but me. And now it just feels different. I guess I am feeling the loss of that view or perception.

Serves me right for thinking in those terms to begin with, I suppose....

The simple truth of the matter is that if I were to come to realize that something I was doing was causing H to feel threatened, uncomfortable, or otherwise affected her Kibun (Kibun: Korean word meaning attitude, mood, spiritual wellbing, peace of mind, karma, and many other things... we have no direct translation in english) in a negative fashion; I would stop it immediately. The difficult part of this truth is that H will not. In my opinion, this more or less indicates that there is either a decided inequality in the relationship, or that this is simply a difference between the two of us in how we express our feelings.

When I have met, or even hung out with other past boyfriends, it didn't phase me in the least. Why does this tear at me like this?? I apparently have issues that I have never uncovered before.

Other thoughts:

When I watch people interacting, it occurs to me that nobody is really listening or even interested in what the other person is saying, thinking, or feeling. They more or less just roll over one another... it's pretty disrespectful.

I find that when this is done to me, I don't really feel compelled to share my thoughts or my opinons with those people anymore.... they don't seem to be able to fathom why I have suddenly become so reticent... and I don't feel inclined to explain it, since I don't think it would much matter anyway.

There are some folks who apparently feel that anyone who is different from them is somehow perverse, or idiotic, or lacking in some way... specifically, I happen to have many diverse interests... and a rather unique life experience. I read quite a bit, I have travelled extensively, I speak a few languages, I play a musical instrument, and enjoy diverse music genres, and I involve myself in many activities and interests.... If I should happen to mention something, know something, drop a hint of any sort, I find that a few of the people that I work with pounce on it and attempt to ridicule me or otherwise knock me down a few pegs. I don't honestly feel that this is necessary... I don't think I'm arrogant or cocky... actually, I have been accused of being more than a little self-deprecating... I'm not particularly bothered by this, but I must confess that I am more than a little perplexed and puzzled by it. I feel that any knowledge that I may have in no way diminishes or belittles anyone else's knowlege or experience.

Furthermore, in my opinion, any and all knowledge is good to have. So why on earth would something like this become a burr under someone's saddle, I wonder?? In each case that I can remember clearly, I didn't spout some bit of information in such a way that I was either trying to steal anyone else's thunder or trying to elevate myself in any way... I generally will only mention something if it is either relevant to the topic at hand, and/or otherwise helpful or informative, or, lastly, if somebody asks me a direct question. This seems to be where I find that I get myself into awkward circumstances.

I will be in a room with person A, B, and C, with whom I work... Person D will come in and ask me a question during the course of conversation, and when I answer, A, B, or C will jump on it. This doesn't happen constantly, but enough to make me take notice of it. Strangely, the same people will come to me when they want to know something, or if a question arises for which they have no reference points. So I guess they mustn't think that I'm a complete blithering idiot. In all honesty, I don't think I much give a winged fart if they do... but, it's nice to know anyway.

Conversational Leap #5678a:

I have been browsing through other people's blogs... I am fascinated by the sheer variety... as I am fascinated by how so many are almost identical. There are a few 'flavors' that I'm beginning to recognize. It's sort of cool, all in all. We're all out there, living our lives, doing our thing, getting through each day.... maybe even passing one another by... and here we are sharing, in many cases, extremely intimate thoughts and feelings.

I find that I sometimes let my thoughts wander to the folks whose blogs I have been reading. I wonder what they are like, what they look like, whether or not we would get along if we met... how we are different, how we are the same... I also find that the simple act of starting this blog has forced me to notice what I am feeling/thinking/seeing/doing in ways that are different than before...

I have gotten comments from two readers, so far... I wonder how many of you have actually stopped and read my posts.... how many have popped in, glanced at the page and moved on... and why??