Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A Kiss in Time

While I was at work today, I was given a rather long and tedious task to do by The Nose. I generally love this sort of thing, because I can immerse myself in what I am doing, get a rhythm going, and get out of my own head (by which I mean that my body is doing the task, my brain assigns enough resources to what I am doing to ensure that I am doing it accurately and quickly, but the rest of my mind goes wherever it likes...)

I was happily working away on my task when The Fly decided that I must have looked way too content and happy doing whatever it was that I was doing (and no doubt miffed that I was working on something that he wasn't privvy to..), and that it would suit him much better if he could wind me up a little... He began by throwing things at me from behind... bouncing hex nuts and other assorted objects off of my cruller (my noggin/dome/skull/head). This ceased entertaining him when I didn't respond at all, and simply continued typing away, seemingly without a care in the world.

His next ploy was to answer the phone when it rang (it is constantly ringing) and identify himself as me. If the caller asked for him, he would put them on hold for a moment, then pick up as him, which, honestly, was pretty fucking funny, because from the side of the conversation that I could hear, it sounded as though he was completely fooling everybody who called...

Finally, he decided that my response was nowhere near what he had been hoping for, and decided to kick it up a notch by leaning over my shoulder and putting his face about two inches from mine. He had just started to say whatever it was that he had planned to say, and I instantly decided to help this plan to backfire in his face... literally... without telegraphing my intent at all (or so I thought), I turned my face towards him, snapped my face in his direction, and did my damned best to plant a big juicy kiss right on his mouth! (He is the homo-phobe... I happen to be very heterosexual, and very comfortable with my sexuality... he on the other hand has some issues...)

Well. His eyes got about as big around as garbage can lids, and he pulled his head away so violently and so quickly that I missed the kiss entirely, which was sort of sad, because I would have paid money to see his reaction to that!!

(I kissed a Ranger Instructor, or RI, in Ranger School on a dare, once. He came completely unwound, but I was treated like a hero by the entire class, and received what is called a Major-minor spot report, which is a good thing, from one of the other RIs. (Spot reports are sort of like the points that the teachers award or take away at Hogwarts School of Sorcery and Witchcraft in the Harry Potter series....))

The Fly almost gave himself a concussion by inadvertently smashing the back of his cliggin (his head!) against a concrete support column that I was sitting next to. He covered about eight feet in one jump, and exclaimed, "You'd really fucking DO IT, too!! Wouldn't you, you fucking degenerate!?!?!?"

My response? "You betcha!"

I really wanted to plant a big wet one on him, and then constantly bring it up and discuss it whenever he started to bother me or break my chops. Because, although it would be mildly embarassing to me... it would be incredibly embarassing and uncomfortable to him.. and breaking my horns is sort of like mud wrestling with a pig; EVERYbody gets filthy and dirty.... but the pig loves it!

I had visions of telling him what a 'wonderful kisser' he was, or what 'soft lips' he had, or just about anything else that I could think of that would make him want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after him.

He is great at dishing it out, but doesn't really take it all that well. He was antagonizing one guy mercilessly about his new haircut, a crewcut... there wasn't anything wrong with the kid's haircut, The Fly just wanted to crank his nuts about it... He kept asking him if he got a free bowl of soup with the haircut, whether the barber was blind, etc. Finally, the kid got fed up and responded by saying, "What about your fuckin' haircut??! Get with it!! The Bee-Gees ain't comin' back, you know!" The entire place erupted in hysterics over that, and every time the Fly would start in on anybody, one of us would start singing a Bee-Gees song to him, i.e.,

The Fly: "You better hurry the fuck up, you're taking way too long at that!"

Bear: "I'm sick. I can't go any faster, I'm running a fever."

The Fly: (looking slightly puzzled) "You don't look sick... and you don't look like you're running a fever, either...."

Bear: "It's not that kind of fever. I don't run a fever during the daytime."

The Fly: "What?! What the hell kind of fever is that?!?!"

Bear: (bursing into song) "Night Fever... Night fev-er!...etc., etc."

The Fly doesn't take this all that well, and generally threatens to knock teeth out, or 'take somebody out', etc. It is generally considered funny that he will so easily antagonize others, but can't stand to be kidded in kind. Naturally, it is a tactical error to allow others to know about a weakness such as this in oneself, because others will constantly exploit it in order to encourage one to piss off and go bother somebody else... and we do, to great advantage!!

After 'The Kiss'(even though there was no kiss, I will henceforth refer to this incident as 'The Kiss', inferring that in fact there was in fact, a kiss... which can be exaggerated at will... It will be great sport to watch him do backflips in a futile attempt to deny that the kiss ever took place... A Fly should keep one's face to one's self, and if a Fly has nothing to do, he shouldn't do it in Bear's area of operation!)he left immediately, and we didn't see him for about an hour and a half. He was traumatized. It was absolutely hilarious!! If I had given him all of the reams of paper in a nationwide stationary store and asked him to list all of the possible responses to him sticking his face close to mine like that, I just know that that would not have been on his list!

That boy's brain ain't gonna be right for Days!!

Here come and sit, where never serpent hisses;
And being set, I'll smother thee with kisses:
'And yet not cloy thy lips with loath'd satiety,
But rather famish them amid their plenty,
Making them red and pale with fresh variety;
Ten kisses short as one, one long as twenty:

Of course, the thought of actually kissing his nasty ass makes me want to yark, but now he has been reminded that he can never really predict just what. the. fuck. I am liable to do in any given circumstance.

I reckon I'll have a little peace for at least a couple of days!

Hey... sometimes you kiss the bear, and sometimes the bear kisses you!! (Tee-Hee!)



Mona Buonanotte said...

This is freakin' hilarious! Too bad you didn't make actual contact, though, I would have loved to have heard THAT Bear story!

I'm applauding you, Bear! Nicely done!

Shirley said...


Elysia said...

There seems to be a spate of kissing stories on the blogs lately... hmmmmm!

- M

Bear said...

I asked The Fly why he was staying so far away from me today... He didn't answer, so I asked him whether he still loved me, and whether I could have 'another sweet kiss'.

He went on a rampage, knocking things down and tearing things up, and ordered me to 'clean it all up... and MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL!!' -- and then he stormed out and didn't return for about three hours.

I cleaned everything up, made it very beautiful, and the moment he walked through the door, I asked if I could 'have that kiss now?'.

As he stormed away, I heard him say "One of these fucking days, I'm going to bring a bat in and pound that kid's fuckin' teeth out!"

My response??

"Ain't nothin' between us but air, fear, and common sense, ....baby!! Howz about a kiss??"

I couldn't hear his response to that, because everyone else was laughin' just a little too loud.

Anonymous said...

What a hilarious story! :D
Good job calling that guy out on his egotistical behavior. I think the kiss was way more affective than drop kicking him in the teeth would have been.


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