Creepy Cool Ass Butter

Today while I was at work, The Nose called me outside. I expected to get reamed over some slight, either real or imagined, and, with a resigned sigh, headed outside to see what the deal was...

Nose: "Got a second?"

Bear: "I guess... what's up?" (what the fuck can he possibly want from me now?!?!)

Nose: "Do you think this company runs like a well-oiled machine?"

Bear: (two seconds of stunned silence) (You have got to be fucking kidding me with this...) "Well... I think that there are some things that we do fairly well, and other things that we could stand some improvement in... (nice... wishy-washy yet vapid... holy shit I'm a geek!)

Nose: "So you wouldn't say that we run like a well-oiled machine?"

Bear: (What the fuck is with the whole "well-oiled machine" bit?? It sounds like you want to ass-fuck a generator or something!) "Um... No. I think that there are some areas that need some attention. May I ask why you're asking me this??"

Understand that I am the newest employee in this company. I have not yet worked here a full year. I have never worked in this industry, and have been forced to learn a tremendous amount in a relatively short period of time. Although I have learned quite a bit, I am a far cry from knowing very much at all.... I'm not quite clear at this point why The Nose would be asking me this. Nobody really even talks to me all that much at work. I know that they keep track of what I do, because they gave me a raise not so long ago... even so, though... this is a freakishly strange conversation.

Nose: "It has been made apparent to me that the way I have been running things hasn't been working all that well. There are going to be some changes made, and I want you to help me."

Bear: (Okay... now what the fuck is this about??!) "You want me to help you... why me?"

Nose: "You have been in this sort of situation before. You know how to do this!"

Bear: "What makes you think that I have ever been in this type of situation, or that I have the foggiest clue how to go about fixing what's wrong in this company?"

Nose: "Well... you were in the Army and the Air Force, or the Navy or something... and you were a Green Beret and a Drill Sergeant. I just thought that a Sergeant in the Army would know all about administration and making people work as a team and stuff like that..... I never told you this, but I admire you in many ways... I look up to you..."
'
Bear: "Nose, my bull-shit-O-meter just pegged out on MAX-Bullshit'. What is it that you want from me really...."

Nose: "I want you to tell me how to get this place working like a unit, and how to fix the stuff that isn't working right. What do you think about what I'm asking you?"

Bear: "Honestly?"

Nose: "Yeah... honestly..."

Bear: "I think you're buttering my ass!"

Nose: "I'm not buttering your ass! Some changes are going to me made around here. This goes no further than between you and me. I want you to sit down with me and go over all of the different areas that you think should be changed, and I want you to tell me what you think we should be doing."

Bear: "I think you're talking out the side of your neck..."

Nose: "Can you make any suggestions?"

Bear: "I can make a number of suggestions. I can also guarantee that you won't like a single one of them. But, if you want to hear my suggestions, I will happily tell them to you..."

Nose: "Like what, for instance...??"

Bear: "Do you really want to hear this?"

Nose: "I do."

Bear: "Before I answer you. Before I go any further with this at all, I want to know what brought this on, and if you bullshit me I'll know, and then I will be the one buttering your ass."

Nose: "I got my ass chewed out for five hours last night. Everything's wrong. I have to fix it."

Bear: (I wonder what took so long for you to get your ass handed to you?) "Okay. Fair enough. The first thing you need to do, and all of your management people need to follow suit, is to lead by example."

Nose: "lead by example?"

Bear: "Yes, Goddamit! LEAD BY FUCKING EXAMPLE! The best order you can ever give is 'Follow Me... do as I do!', get your shit straight, set high standards, and demand that your subordinates meet your standards. Lead by example. This is easy to understand, and difficult to put into action. Everybody knows that rules are necessary, and they will follow rules, so long as the rules are fair and apply to everybody equally, and so long as the rules make some sort of sense or serve some legitimate purpose and aren't frivolous and nitpicking."

Nose: "Okay... anything else?"

Bear: "A shitload. Want more?"

Nose: "Yeah..."

Bear: "Communication is not the strongest suit in this company. People need to have whatever information that they need to do their jobs. If there are price increases, if we are carrying new products, or if we are discontinuing something or are out of stock, everybody needs to know about it. I'm not suggesting that we have long drawn out meetings that take valuable time from everbody's schedule, but at the very least you should have a huddle, or find some way to let folks know anything that is vital or otherwise important as the information becomes available."

Nose: "What else?"

Bear: "I hear a lot of folks making disparaging remarks about one another and about the way things are run in general in front of customers, in front of sales reps, and in front of other outsiders. In order for a group to be effective, they have to work and function as a team. This means that they have to display some degree of loyalty to the group. We should be projecting a unified front to everyone who is not a part of this company. There are channels by which grievances and differences can be aired and resolved. To make comments, complaints, or to cast dispersions, insults and negative criticism in front of customers is downright unprofessional. Besides, its easy to find fault with others. If someone has an issue, they need to utilize the proper channels for resolving it. If they cannot discipline themselves to the extent that they can exercise enough self-control to refrain from losing their composure while at work, in front of customers, then perhaps they don't need to be a part of this company. You are either a member of a team, or you are not. If you are, you support the team, and put the good of the group over the good of the individual, and everybody benefits in the long run. When we insult one another in front of customers, we look like undisciplined, unprofessional clowns, and the customer translates this as either incompetence, or as a potential weakness that can be exploited to their benefit. This is how you end up with some asshole selling stock out the back door. We don't need that kind of crap going on here. This is a managerial issue and a leadership problem. Put a stop to it. Don't tolerate it at all. If we look and act like a team, perhaps we just may be a team... and teamwork is one of our major strengths. Lack of teamwork can be a major weakness. It isn't good enough to just be knowlegeable and competent. You have to appear professional too!"

Nose: "Appear professional... how so? What do you mean?"

Bear: "Well. If you went to a doctor's office, say, to have some type of surgery scheduled, and you saw all of his certificates on the wall that attested to his competence and knowlege, and then when you met the doctor he was dressed like a clown and acting foolish.. joking around and making stupid remarks and such, would you want him to operate on you?"

Nose: "No!"

Bear: "Because he makes a bad impression.... even though he may in fact be a superb surgeon. You have to look and act the part. Once you lose a customer, they're gone. They don't have to consult you, or even let you know that they are no longer a customer. They just disappear. I have made a list of every account holder who hasn't done business with us in over a year. Some will have gone out of business... others? Who knows?"

Nose: "..... You made a list?!?!"

Bear: "Yes I did. It's over thirty pages long. There are more than 800 customers on that list. If each of them averaged, say, $2000 per month of business with us, which is a low estimate, we are losing approximately $1,600,000.00 per month. That would be somewhere around $19,200,000.00 a year in lost revenue. That is assuming that all of them are still in business, and still alive and living in the area. A more realistic number would be say, 60% of that, which would be around $11,520,000.00 per year or so. You need to find a way to get those customers back, and to keep them."

Nose: "Are you sure about these numbers?"

Bear: "Fairly sure... I'm doing it in my head, so, I'm likely off somewhat, but I think its close. In real world numbers, it may be less than what I am quoting, but we are still losing over ten million dollars a year that we would otherwise be earning. That's a sizeable chunk. Look, you are either improving or you are going backwards. If you are going backwards, before long you won't be in business. Period."

Nose: "What would you do?"

Bear: "I would get on the phone and contact these people, and try to find out why they left in the first place, and see if you can't get them back here. If need be, I would offer them some incentive. Some type of savings or discount on their first purchase, or something... you'll get some back, probably not all. The most important thing is to find out what is pissing them off and fix the problems. You are hemhorraging money, Bro... customers don't like to be kept waiting, they don't want to be put on hold on the phone, and they don't want to have to wander around looking for someone to help them. They want to get in here, get what they need, and get the fuck out as quickly as they possibly can, and if they can save a buck doing it, that's even better! Everything else is bells and whistles. Concentrate on getting the first part right, and the rest will come."

Nose: "Wow... But how do you propose we do all this?"

Bear: "I can teach you how to build a team, how to get your administrative functions in order and how to improve customer service, but its going to take a lot of work on everybody's part. Nobody likes change, and most everyone will fight you every step of the way. You have to take it in steps, fix the most glaring problems first. When you have a success or two under your belt, people will begin to trust your judgement and will be more likely to follow you."

Nose: "Like they follow you?"

Bear: "Me?! Nobody follows me!"

Nose: "They do though. When you suggest things, people listen... its like you are the leader without being the leader. It used to piss me off, but you actually make sense sometimes.... so I started paying attention to what you do and how you do it, and to what you say...."

Bear: "That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard! What's the catch here... you have extra work for me.... what is it?"

Nose: "Well... we will all have to take up the slack. Like I said, things are going to change. But I need you to give it some direction. Can you do that?"

Bear: "Nose, its what I do best. I create teams, train them, push them, and lead them. Its what I was made to do. The problem is that it will involve a lot of growing pains, and I'm not sure you are going to want to go through with what I suggest. For instance, your files and admin practices are appalling. It has to be addressed. We spend most of our time chasing our tails and running over the same ground. Every business makes mistakes, but you have to limit them. The devil is in the details. You have to cross the T's and dot the I's. If you have time to do it twice, you have time to do it right the first time. You have to get these guys working as a team, and respecting some type of chain of command. Either they get with the program, or they go down the road. Following the rules is a condition of employment. The rules have to be fair. They must apply to everyone across the board, and that includes you... and you have to lead by example, like I said before."

Nose: "I will reward you if you can do this."

Bear: "Let me have a few days to think things over. We'll sit down and discuss it on Monday. If you think that my suggestions have merit, and if you think that they will help, then I will advise you on how to go about this. At the very least, you have to let me try to get some of the lost customers back, let me get my hands on the filing system, and let me get the banking under control. Its a start."

Nose: "Can you put some of this in writing and give it to me today?"

Bear: "It'll be on your desk by close of business. But it won't have all the answers. You have to take this stuff day by day and address the issues as they crop up. It takes a little experience and finesse, and we will be working against the tide... things have been the way they are for quite some time here.. you know?"

Nose: "You're right.."

Bear: "Um... I need to get back to work. I have a lot to do."

Nose: "Yeah.. sure. Thanks."

Bear: "No sweat, Boss!"

Nose: "Bear?"

Bear: "Yeah?"

Nose: "Where do you get this stuff from? Are you copying something?"

Bear: "No.. (??)"

Nose: "You're pulling this out of your ass right here and now?"

Bear: "More or less..."

Nose: "Wow.... you're whacked!"

Bear: "Thanks boss... you're pretty fucked-up too!"

So. I'm not sure what to make of this whole thing. It seems that no matter where I ever work, I end up eventually doing the same job. I'm not sure how it ends up in my lap, but it always does. Hopefully, I'll be able to make some difference here. We'll see. Most likely, this is a big steaming pile of bullshit, and once they get a long hard look at what really needs to be done, everything will revert to the way it has been for a great while. There aren't any shortcuts in anything.

I am quite honestly baffled by this whole situation. I know that it will mean a hell of a lot more work for me, quite possibly a much greater degree of responsibility, and a lot more headaches. For some reason, this sort of thing doesn't generally translate into a great deal more money.

I can never seem to judge whether this sort of deal is sincere or not. I think I really can fix many of the problems that plague us, but I can't do it all alone. Once the initial work is done, most of the problems won't exist because the system that is in place will eliminate them... this frees up time and resources to concentrate on what is actually important. The difficult part is wading through years of neglect and chaos and setting it all right while still managing to get my work done.

This is going to be quite a challenge. I hope I'm up to it.

What do you think? Does it sound like one big huge ass-buttering crock of shit? Or do you think it may be a legitimate request for help?? I'm a little caught up on the fact that he singled me out completely out of left field. It's very strange. But, its also sort of cool, in an eerie, Twilight-Zoney, creepy sort of way....