And Then There was Barbara...

I tended bar for a wedding last night... When I arrived, the managers warned us that this crowd were heavy drinkers, and that they wanted us to pour light on the drinks, and that they would be 'spot checking' us..

After getting set up (this is a process that takes about two hours.. there's quite a bit that has to be done to get everything ready since we have to set up two rooms; the room where the cocktail hour will be, and then the room where the reception takes place. We were standing tall in the cocktail room, ready to go, and in came the crowd... as they came up to my bar, in turn, I sort of recognized many of the faces, which was sort of weird.... after a few minutes, I started placing them; I had worked a wedding a number of months ago, and many of these folks had been guests at the wedding. I remembered the wedding, because it ended in a fist fight!

And now they were back... buckle up, lads!

While we were working the cocktail hour, some guy, dressed in snake-skin boots, lime green pants and shirt, an orange spray-on tan, bleached-blonde mullet hairdo and sunglasses started sidling behind my bar... I don't like this. When I'm behind the bar, I don't want *anyone* behind my bar except a bar-back, and I don't have one. I decided to address it immediately, so I engaged the gent in conversation; "Hey, Slappy! You look like you're trying to slide behind my bar, here... if you do, I'm going to have to kill you. Anyone who comes behind my bar has to be immediatly killed, and their body stacked out back like cordwood... just thought you might appreciate the safety tip..."

He laughed, and replied, "Well. At least I'm dressed for it, eh?"

(You are??)

"So.. Whatt'ya think of these boots??"

"Well, I suppose the rattlesnakes don't really need those skins... they don't even wear boots..."

Apparently, he didn't appreciate that comment very much and went ambling off in search of somebody else to annoy, which was fine with me.. (more on this guy in a bit...)

The bar customers started pressuring us immediately to "make the drinks stronger", or "Lemme get a bigga glass". This was ten minutes into the cocktail hour... it was going to be a long night.

When you do this job for a while, you learn 'tricks of the trade' or ways to appear to appease a customer while managing to follow the house's rules, or your own common sense. (Folks, I don't like cleaning puke up off of my bar, and I most definitely don't want someone I am serving to get hurt, killed, or to hurt or kill someone else... My job is to keep them happy without allowing them to get obliterated, if I can somehow find a way to do that... it isn't always all that easy...)

Once we moved over to the reception room, the crowd really started hitting the bar. I was hopping, and didn't get to look around much until the initial furor died down a little... Once everyone was in their seats and the waitstaff began taking dinner orders, I got a chance to take a bit of a breather and look around me a little. In front of the DJ, Slappy in the lime green outfit had apparently been hired to provide additional percussion to the CD music that the DJ was playing. He had a pair of conga drums, some cow bells, and maraccas, cymbals, and a few other assorted gee-gaws and doohickies. I found this somehow amusing, being baffled by the idea of somebody being hired to play drums along with recorded music... I said as much to the waitress who was working the station right next to my bar.

Bear: "So... what's the deal with the geek on the drums??"

Waitress: "Uh... I don't know..."

Bear: "I mean.. they actually hired this clown to play drums along with the music??? Doesn't it already have drums??"

Waitress: "Sure... I guess...."

Bear: "This is this guy's job??"

Waitress: ".... .... I s'pose so....."

Bear: "Who the hell would pay somebody to do that, I wonder?? I mean, do you think they asked for somebody to drum along with the music, or do you think they got hoodwinked into it by a sales person or something?"

Waitress: "Maybe they just like drums.."

Bear: "I guess... But, I mean... Look at this guy!"

Waitress: "Yeah........"

Naturally, it didn't occur to me to wonder why she seemed so reticent about this particular conversation until, during a break, the guy walked over and gave her a great big hug and kiss.... Niiiiiice! Great goin' Bear..!! (So! Bear! What's yer foot doing in your mouth?? .... Oh, its just a gag!) (sigh....)

Always making friends.....!!

There was one woman, who had come with her husband, and who, coincidentally, sat *exactly* where Katie had sat a few weeks ago. (I think the gods were trying to warn me..) She was switching between Vodka and Tonic, and Vodka and Seven, and once she got her drink, she would simply stand there at my bar, and smile vacantly at me... it was unsettling. Well... maybe vacantly isn't accurate... she would sort of moon at me... I'm not sure how this comes about. You see my photo up there, I'm not exactly Brad Pitt. I'm not a big flirt with the ladies, either, although I tend to be fairly outgoing and friendly with everybody. Nevertheless, here she is, standing in front of me, mooning... and me not knowing what the fuck to do.... !!! This happened every time she got a drink... about every five or six minutes...

Her husband was a big slob who was drinking beer. He pestered me to just give him a pitcher for about an hour, which is against house rules, and for an hour I politely explained that I couldn't give him a pitcher, but that I would happily give him a beer, or two, or even three at a time, if that was what he wanted... He would come up, get his beer, drain it, I'd pour another, he'd drain it, hand me back the glass, along with a nice huge belch that originated somewhere down around his scrotum, which, of course, I greatly appreciated... and I'd give him his third beer in twenty seconds, and he would waddle back to his table.

I quit asking folks if they were having a good time after about a half an hour. Instead of the usual, "Fantastic!" or "Yes! You guys are great!" comments that I usually get in response to this question, I got turned up noses and comments such as, "No!" or, "Nah.. weddings suck", and even, "Nah, this sucks. I wanted to stay home and watch [insert appropriate TV show] but my [insert appropriate power-holding family member] said I hadda come...".

Great.

The grooms mother was classy. She was in her fifties, bleached blond, and unhealthily smoker-thin with that leathery too much sun complexion. She was wearing a piece of string wrapped around her that was supposed to be a dress. As if this wasn't emotionally traumatizing enough, the cut of the 'dress' served to disply the huge mole on her back and the tattoo on the upper portion of her left breast that depicted a sign on a wooden stake, planted into a tuft of grass, which read "SOLD!".

SOLD!?! SOLD?!?! Who the fuck bought that!?!? Oh man... I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after seeing her dance with her son on the dance floor. She was gyrating and doing all these supposedly sexually alluring movements... I could almost hear her friggin bones rattling around in that dessicated wine-bag she had for skin... (in case you might be wondering, it sounded like two skeletons fucking on a zinc roof...)

The 'Mooning Woman' and her husband came wandering over for more booze... She proceeded to put her hand over mine (all over mine) when I tried to put her drink down.. this was sort of weird, I thought.. but then she continued.. by fellating an orange slice, and sliding her tongue all over it, while intently gazing into my eyes, and this with her husband standing two fucking feet away!! (Now that was some crazy weird shit!! And it only got weirder, folks....)

Just about then, one of the waitresses ran up to me, all breathless, "Bear, they need you up front right away... some big guy is beating up George!"

I headed immediately up to the front entrance. Apparently, some guy's car had been broken into, and he wasn't happy about it. He was hitting people and ranting and raving. George ran past me and back inside. The guy approached me moving at a fairly fast clip, but I stood my ground and remained in front of the door.
I said, "Your insurance should cover any damage to your vehicle, you know... the cops are on the way right now. They should be here in seconds. Why don't you just wait by your vehicle until they get here so you can make a police report. You'll need one for the insurance company..." (I wanted to let him know that the police were responding, and I wanted to suggest to him that he might not have to actually pay to have this fixed.... Of course, he wasn't really hearing much of what I had to say, being focused on crushing George's head, George being one of the owners of the place...)
He reached out to physically move me out of his way, which I didn't much appreciate, by the way, and I caught ahold of his two smallest fingers and twisted them, quickly and with enough force to stand him up on his very tippy toes... he gasped, and said "Aaaaah!! Let me go!"
I said, "You need to leave off attacking people and go sit in your car till the police come, before something bad happens to you..."
He was dancing by this time, and I walked him over to his vehicle, and using his fingers as a convenient handle, sat him in the passenger's seat (the door was open already...) "Stay there!" I commanded, praying that he would... and he immediately cradled his fingers in his other hand and nodding vigorously, promised that he would.
I approached George, asked him if he was okay, (he was), and asked if he needed me there, or whether I could return to my bar... (I don't make any money playing around with obnoxious drunks... I wanted to be at my bar slinging drinks, and (hopefully) making some tips!) ..
"Go on back to your bar, I don't think this asshole is going to be a problem.. and Bear?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks.."
"No sweat, boss.."
I headed back to my bar, where the waitress that had originally sent me up front was just about frantic by this time. I let her know that everything was okay, and, obviously relieved, she went back to her work.

The bride and groom's table was directly in front of my bar, perhaps fifteen feet away. Something had happened with the train of her dress, and a committee of females were trying to fix the problem. I shined my flashlight on the area where they were working, so that they could fix the problem (and move away from the vicinity of my bar and find something else to do...). The groom suddenly said to the bride, in a loud and thunderous voice, "Hey, the bartender is staring at your ass!"
Everybody turned to look at me, to see if, in fact, I was staring at her ass... In a manner of speaking, I was, since I was focusing my flashlight in that general direction. But given the fact that she was a bride... on her wedding night.... and about six or seven months pregnant, the comment was sort of off-color in my opinion.
I replied, "Dude.. that was wrong, man..."
He said, "No problem, my man.... go ahead and look! She has enough ass for everybody to look at! Each person can have their own square foot of ass to stare at, and I'll still have most of it to myself!!"
"Wow, man... that was fucked up! That ain't right...."

As I was looking at the groom, I could just see over his shoulder as Mooning woman stood up, smiling her ass off at me, and began sashaying towards me... pocketbook slung over her shoulder, one hand pulling the top of her dress down ever so slightly... her attempt at making her eyes seem smokey and suggestive came off a little different than the way I imagined it probably was supposed to, but I got the general drift... She walked right up to the bar, and began licking another orange slice... and doing things with her eyes and her tongue that I am fairly certain were supposed to arouse me, but which sorta freaked me out....

I made her her drink, all the while being totally aware while trying not to seem so that she was staring at me while she rubbed herself off on my bar and went down on a poor defenseless orange slice... it was kind of surreal...

Mooning Woman: "My name is Barbara"

Bear: "Hi Barbara! Would you like another drink?"

Barbara: "You are very handsome!"

Bear: (embarassed) "Thank you! That's a nice thing to say.."

Barbara: "Are you Irish?"

Bear: (Where the fuck is this going?) "Well, I'm actually Scottish on my dad's side, and on my mom's side I'm Scottish, Irish, Welsh, and Gypsy". (Now that was a little bit too much information...)

Barbara: "Could you tell that I was Irish?"

Bear: "Well.... yeah.."

Barbara: "I like you.."

Bear: "How nice!"

Barbara: "I like you... a lot!"

Bear: (Not at all wanting to be involved in this conversation...) "Say... did you say you wanted another drink?"

Barbara: "I want to see you..."

Bear: "Yeah.... I .... are you related to the bride? Or the groom?" ("Please go away... please go away... please go away...)

Barbara: "I don't want to related to anyone right now...." (She started doing freaky scary things with her eyes again... I'm not quite sure what she was emphasizing.. and I think I may be lucky for this...)

Bear: "Ah.." ("Very eloquent, you fucking nitwit! How the fuck do I get her to leave?!?!)

Barbara: "Come with me after you get off work. I'll get a hotel room..."

Bear: "No. No-no. Sorry... I'm married."

Barbara: "Happily?"

Bear: "VERY! I am *extremely* happy and very much in love with my wife."

Barbara: "Just this once..."

Bear: "No! So... (desperately trying to get off of this subject...) what do you do for a living?"

Barbara: "I'm a Special Ed teacher for (County and School District)."

Bear: "Oh, so you don't live in the area!" (Wow.. that sounded a mite too happy and relieved... yikes!)

Barbara: "I am off for the entire summer... I would love to see you at the beach.."

Bear: "No... I'm married, sorry. Besides which, I don't ever get any days off. All I do is work!"

Barbara: "I want you!"

Bear: "Listen.. I think you'd better be off..."

Barbara: "I said I want you!"

Bear: "Look. I told you that I'm married. I don't want to have this conversation. It's making me uncomfortable."

Barbara: "I want to do things to you... and I know that you want me, too. You do, don't you? You want me... you want to touch me, and taste me...."

Bear: "Alright. You need to get the fuck away from my bar!"

Barbara: "Some day! Tell me that you'll see me some day...."

Bear: "No. I want you to go now."

Barbara: "Just hold my hand and tell me 'Some day'"

Bear: "Are you going to leave?!?!?"

Barbara: "Kiss me!"

Bear: "Would you get the fuck outta here?!!?"

Barbara: "Blow me a kiss!"

Bear: ... (Exasperated sigh. I simply didn't know what to do, where to go, or how to handle this... so I decided to ignore her and do some side work)
She just stood there... mooning at me... it was entirely freaky, and I wanted to throw a wet washcloth at her face... instead, I just went about cleaning the clean glasses, wiping the clean bottles, rearranging the perfectly arranged juices, mixers, and sodas.

Barbara: (Digging in her purse, and extracting a twenty dollar bill, holding it up, and placing it on the bar.) "Come with me tonight.. just for tonight...nobody would have to know..."

Bear: (Just shaking my head and giving her what I hoped was a withering stare -- I was bent out of shape, bigtime!)

Barbara's husband had sauntered up at around the time that she was asking me to hold her hand, and had been standing there with his empty beer glass in his hand watching all of this. I was praying that he would chime in at any time, and drag her off to wherever the fuck they came from, so I was somewhat disappointed when he finally decided to speak;

Barbara's Husband: "Could I have a beer, please?"

Barbara: "I want you... I want to see you... come with me... just for tonight..."

This was like a plot from some fucked up movie or something... holy shit.. I didn't know who was more fucked up; her, him, or me for still being there!

Husband: "Can I have another beer?"

Barbara: (To Husband) "Give me a pen and some paper."

Husband: "I don't have any.. whattya need a pen and paper for?"

Barbara: "I want him... I want to give him my number."

Bear: ( !!! What the fuck?!?!)

Husband: "I don't want some guy calling all the time..."

Barbara: "Just go away. Go call a taxi. I'm not coming home tonight. I'm going with him."

Bear: (??? WHAT!?)

Husband: "I don't want to pay for a taxi all the way to [TOWN NAME]."

Barbara: "Just go sit down. I'm doing something here..."

Husband: (To me) "Can I have another beer?"

Bear: (Completely taken aback by this whole thing..) "sure..yeah..here..." (Holy Shit! These two are more fucked up than a football bat!)

Husband: "Thanx... I hate weddings...." (...and he went sauntering back to his table, leaving his wife to continue to come on to me relentlessly!! What the FUCK is going on with this shit??!?!?)

Barbara: "I want you.. I know you like me.... do you know how wet you make me?"

Bear: "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!!! Get the FUCK away from me before I throw you the fuck out onto the sidewalk!! NOW!" (Yes.. Bear came a little unglued... it happens... what can I say?)

Heads turned at this, and some woman came over and began urging fuckwad Barbara to go with her... I think she sensed what was going on, even though she didn't have all of the details....

Barbara: "Some Day, my love.... Blow me a kiss!"

Motherfucker! Will this woman ever quit!!??

As the savior woman led Barbara back to her table, the groom happend to walk over to the box which (had) contained all of the cards, which were filled with money, given by the guests... apparently, he discovered that the cards were missing. He began running around, approaching first this person, and then that person... I later found out that he somehow learned that the bride's father had taken the cards and he approached him and demanded that they be returned. The bride's father refused, and a scene ensued in which the groom immediately got in his new father-in-law's face and began screaming threats and obscenities at him until a number of guys physically restrained him and pulled him away from the father-in-law before he had a chance to kick the living shit out of the guy.

He ripped himself away from them, and went storming out of the room, yelling obscenities the entire time. About twenty people followed him out, and they were all out in the hallway arguing.

I quietly watched, wondering where this was all going to go... and knowing that this wasn't the end of it....

I could hear Barbara arguing with her husband, repeatedly telling him that she wanted me and that she wanted him to take a taxi home. He only agreed to take a taxi if she paid for the fare, which, apparently, she refused to do... I don't even know what to think of this situation....

Suddenly, the groom ran back in, and ran straight up to the DJ, and tried to rip the microphone out of his hand. The DJ tried to hold on, but the groom finally shoved him hard enough to send him sprawling. The drummer guy in the snakeskin boots tried to take the mike back but also got knocked on his duster. He promptly crawled underneath a table and stayed there.

The groom began verbally attacking the bride's father over the mike, until members of the family attacked him.... and from there things began to go a wee bit pear-shaped. Before long, the police were dragging folks out of there... the groom included. Party over, thank you for coming, have a nice evening.... good night.

Barbara was wriggling her hips and blowing kisses at me as she and her husband walked out together. (??)

After the guests had finally cleared out, while the waitstaff was cleaning up and breaking down, I heard snake-skin boots loudly stating how much he had wished that the groom would have 'brought it on!', and what he would have done if that had happened... I guess the waitresses were impressed, but I kept thinking to myself, "Dude.. remember that point where the groom ripped the mike out of your hand, knocked you flat on your ass, and you crawled under the table to hide??? Well.. THAT was your moment!!"

I decided that actually saying that out loud might have been indelicate, so I kept my thoughts to myself...

I took an extra long time cleaning up so that she would be long gone by the time I went outside to my vehicle....

Since I had worked my other job starting at about 6:30AM, and it was now about 2AM, it had been a rather long day....

I headed home to my beautiful Elysia, showered up, and we headed off to bed for a well-earned good night's sleep...

Today I slept in, and Elysia took me out to breakfast, and then off to buy me some new shoes for work. (I stand constantly, and my feet have been absolutely killing me lately... they feel as though they are infected, almost... so between the feet and the knee, I've been in quite a bit of pain every day of late... the shoes are going to help quite a bit, I think.... I have a great wife!)

So.... that was my weekend in a nutshell!!