For as long as I can remember, I have always drawn, sculpted, crafted, and otherwise tried to make beautiful or decorative things out of other things...
I haven't really done anything of this nature for a relatively long while, now... or at least it feels like a long while to me.
Usually, when there is something inside that needs to be created, it absolutely drives me nuts until I create it... whatever it may be... whether it happens to be a drawing, a cartoon, a pinata, a carving, an article of clothing, or a yurt, for that matter, anything at all. I make things out of fruit, wood, stone, metal, string, tile, paper, soap, cloth, or just about anything I can get my hands on.
I haven't made anything, or been driven to create anything in so long... not even music. I haven't written it, and I haven't played it.
I'm not sure precisely why this feeling, this need to create, hasn't been nagging at me lately, but it hasn't... I have to admit that its a strange feeling to not have the creative urge clamoring around in there, whether it happens to be in my guts, my heart, or my brain... I'm not sure... but there is definitely a vaguely empty spot in there now... there was a time, not so long ago, when, if I sat in one place for long enough, there would be something there that I had made before I moved on.... but not now.
I suppose that the greatest portion of the reason, if there has to be one, is that I simply don't have the time to sit down and get involved in a project... and when I am making or creating something, I just have to be involved, or it doesn't work.. I think I do it more for that feeling of mental focus, or release, or whatever it is than I do for the actual project at hand. For me, its sort of like a 'mental massage' or something, anyway.... I'm probably using a bad metaphor.
Ever since I was about five years old, I have wanted a drawing board. Not a cheesy one, but an honest-to-god real-life drawing board, with drawers, and a light, and a square, and a side desk with a lazy susan to put all of my pens and pencils and all that jazz into. I'm not sure exactly why I have always wanted one, but I always have... always, though, for one reason or another, it has never come to pass... whether it be due to price, availability, room to put the darned thing, or what have you. In any case, I never had one, I don't have one now, and I don't see myself acquiring one in my lifetime...
I'm not the only one... Elysia studied piano for years and years... she is a wonderful pianist! But she can't have a piano where we live. It won't fit through the door. I know she dearly would love to be able to sit down and just play at times... but she can't... and it sucks.
When we visit her mom, she will sometimes sit at the piano and play. But it isn't quite the same thing. She wants to be able to sit down, alone, and just play around, practice, noodle, and simply feel the piano and feel the music, and feel what she feels... I can understand that. I used to love to take my pipes, head off somewhere quiet, and secluded, and beautiful, and just play.
I have also had a visceral desire for a set of bellows-blown scottish smallpipes for years. I can feel the smoothness of the wood, the softness of the leather, and hear the mellow tones... but I will most likely never actually own a set of scottish smallpipes... unless I build a set. But the creative muse has apparently deserted me for now... perhaps later it will come back...
There are many projects that I have thought about, and talked about, but, that's about as far as it has gone... We want to build a chess table for our garden. The squares that comprise the board will be inlaid, probably tile, and most likely we will also put some sort of design on the table, but I don't know what that might be... nothing coalesces in my mind when I try to focus on it... I also want to carve a wooden celtic statue to put back in the garden. He'll be hidden for the most part, sort of tucked into the foliage... the idea being that finding him will be a pleasant surprise for the finder... sort of like finding an easter egg! But, he has no specific face as of yet. I was working on some embroidery projects, but, they have sort of faded to the wayside of late... it just isn't there, I guess. I've been tinkering around with a tattoo design for about a year and a half, but it hasn't really gotten off the ground. I have written most of a novel. It is story about a young boy in 5th century Ireland who becomes one of the last Draoi or druids, and who is forced to go on a difficult journey... but, I haven't sat and worked on it in a very long time. I just let it stall, and I don't know why. There are many other projects in the same boat. They are all half-conceived. I know enough not to try to force this sort of thing... when its ready to become whatever it should be, it will most likely let me know.
Lately, my main focus has been getting fit and strong, and writing blog posts. Most of what I write sits on a disk and never gets much farther than a draft. Some of it you folks see. Some of is still in my head.
I suppose if I am able to sculpt my body into something beautiful, then I will have expressed my creativity, but, so far, I am basically just sore, and my pants are falling off all the time. I am extremely tenacious, however, and will continue to work and to drive-on until I achieve my goals. The byproduct of this, of course, is that I'm just about constantly tired. I try my best to underfeed enough to lose weight, but not so much that I lose muscle-mass. At best, I am being met with mixed success at this.
The reality, of course, is that the bills have to be paid, and I have to remain healthy and fit and strong. Period. So, whatever time it takes to achieve those two goals, has to be spent. Something has to give, apparently....
I would very much like to feel that feeling when I need to create something, anything...
I would very much like to see my wife have a piano. Come to think of it, I would like to have a stand of bellows-blown scottish smallpipes and a drawing board. But, you don't always get everything that you would like. Besides, most folks that made the most wonderful creations ever did so with much less than they should have been able to work with... because when you have to create something, not having a couple of bells and whistles just doesn't matter. When you have that urge to create something, you find a way to do it.
I used to be an artist. I'm not sure what I am now.. but, I hope I will be an artist again someday....
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