Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Waters Begin to Calm

Following the ritual dedicating me to my Order, I found that many of the people who knew me were both inwardly and outwardly disturbed by the change. Even to those who were not aware of my new status (as an eremetic monk of a religous order), the change in my appearance (my head is now shaved..) was apparently startling to some.

I took a number of vows during the ceremony, and one of these vows requires me to be truthful, so, when people ask me directly why I shaved my head, there is no option to simply give them a 'story', the truth is that I shaved my head as a sign of humility, and as a symbol of a new beginning as a member of a religious order, and this is what I tell them. (If they simply say something like, "Is that the new look?", I just agree and say "Yes!" and leave it at that..). Generally, the response that I get is a quizzical stare, a mumbled, "Uh huh.." or a startled "What?!", and that is pretty much the end of the conversation for a while. Infrequently, the other person is somewhat familiar with the concept of monasticism, and they are either intrigued, or simply happy on my behalf, which is encouraging.

During the work day, I tend to remain silent the majority of the time, spending my time in contemplative silence rather than engaging in conversation (when this is possible. I converse when it is necessary to interact with others, but I don't generally seek this interaction). Between the shaven head, and this seemingly radical change in my demeanor, this has caused a number of folks who know me to feel slightly (or not so slightly) disturbed, awkward, or otherwise weirded out... This is an obvious change, and people don't generally like change very much.

As of today, it has been exactly two weeks since the dedication. During this period of time, I have observed most of the people that I know progress through various stages of adjustment to my new status.

Disturbance: At first, they were slightly disbelieving and more or less denying that anything was different, then they were fairly disturbed and agitated by the whole thing, wondering how this would affect them, and whether, I suppose, I would start trying to convince them to adopt my ways, adhere to my rules of ethics, etc.

Grudging Curiosity: Once they came to a realization that this wasn't an issue, they then would show either some degree of curiosity, asking me questions regarding my Order, my status, and how my life was different as a result, what sorts of rules I was required to follow, etc. Or they would use humor or aloof formality to keep the whole situation at arm's distance, signalling me that they were uncomfortable with the change, and non-verbally asking me to please not burden them with unasked for information, or what have you..

Gradual Acceptance: As the days passed, most of the people who were spending any amount of time with me began to settle down and accept the change that they were confronted with. They seemed to realize that this was mainly a change that affected me, and that it was a chiefly internal change which didn't infringe upon them at all, save for the fact that I am a bit less talkative, and somewhat detached. A few people asked if they could talk to me, explaining that they wanted to ask me some questions regarding my vocation.

I agreed to this in the instances where this occurred, and fielded an array of questions ranging from the mundane questions about whether I planned on leaving my wife now (I am not, there is no restriction against being married, or against having appropriate sexual relations in my belief system..), if I was going to quit my job (I am not.. we are an Eremetic order (i.e., we live alone, as opposed to within a monastic community ((such an order would be 'cenobitic')), and we are expected to be a part of our community, and to support ourselves - we work!), through just about every topic one could possibly imagine, including some canonical and doctrinal questions - they basically wanted to know what I believed, and in one case, whether I was a member of a cult (I am not.. no airports, no poisoned kool-aid, no giving away of my personal belongings.. of which I have few.. nothing of the sort).

My lifestyle follows a monastic schedule, remaining contemplative and reflective throughout the day, and praying at various times during the course of each day (four prayer times interspersed with four meditation periods daily..). There is nobody to look over my shoulder in order to force me to do this... I discipline myself.

Acceptance and Re-Integration: Following the initial period of strife and upset, I am finding that just about everyone is beginning to settle into the new pattern, and to regard me as what I am, as opposed to what I was. Naturally, since this is still a very new thing, there will be others who will be only beginning the process as they meet with me and learn of this change... each person has to have some time to get their brain around the fact that anyone would choose to live their life in this fashion, and why, and how, and whether or not anything will be expected of them because of it. Another thing to consider is that since the process of transformation has only just begun with me (I am only a dedicant at this stage - after I have completed some schooling, and have been a dedicant for a period of time, I will then make simple profession as a novice. After more schooling and more time, I will then make solemn profession, at which time I will be a professed monk (and will consequently be acknowledged as having formally and permanently adopted this lifestyle). At some point after this, If it is deemed appropriate by the superiors of my order, I will then attend yet more schooling, and will eventually be ordained. This will be in the very distant future), there hasn't really been all that much of a change for anyone to be able to observe, save for the new hairstyle (or lack of same!), and the quieter demeanor. I suppose only time will tell if what is taking place inwardly will have any observable effect on me outwardly and observably. I would guess that if it does, I will know... because the way that others relate to me quite clearly reflects even the slightest difference right back at me!

I find that it is somewhat difficult for me to articulate what this whole thing is about to others... Everyone seems to have their own views and opinions about it, and while some are so off the mark as to be humorous, others are remarkably accurate.. still, though, not a one really hits it on the head. It is my thought and belief that a monastic vocation may be slightly different for each person who takes the cloth. Indeed, there are most likely some who would disagree that it is a vocation at all, since I am not celibate, and since I live in the community as opposed to within a monastery. That's fine with me. It doesn't really matter to me one way or another what or how others view my path, or my vocation. It is whatever it is. And, more importantly, it is between me, and the divine. So long as my chosen pathway provides me with a suitable vehicle that I can use to bring my spirit closer to the divine, closer to an understanding of reality and of myself, and so long as it enriches my life (both interior and exterior) to the degree that I desire... what it is called and how it is viewed is immaterial.

The most surprising part of this whole thing is that once everyone has had a while to come to terms with the change and the strangeness, they essentially have simply taken everything in stride, and have accepted me as being the 'resident monk'. For the most part, both at home and at work, it appears that everyone is happy for me, and, to some extent, it seems to me that they are happy to have me around... whether as just myself, who they have always known... or as a monk to whom they can either look at and wonder about.. monasticim being essentially strange and new to them.... or as a brother monk to whom they can turn when they need someone to listen, or to help them work through the rough spots...

As far as I am concerned... as I wait for the final ratification of my dedication (which should take place today, as far as I know...), I am content with my decision, and take solace and refuge in my newly found community. Once I receive word that I have been formally accepted, I can begin my new life in earnest, and then the truly hard work begins!! I am very much looking forward to getting started, and anticipating the study, meditation, and all the rest that will help me to move closer and closer to my ultimate spiritual goals!

No comments: