The Wee Hours...

Its about one-thirty in the morning... I just woke up. It was sort of a weird, uncomfortable afternoon.... I was looking forward to a relaxing night with Elysia, (Tuesday night is the one night that we don't have the Gym, or work, or Class.. or anything... so we generally spend it doing something fun, or nice, or both, or something....).

We both arrived home at the same time, and I could tell immediately that she was frustrated about something, or that something was bothering her...

The bikes that her dad gave us on Sunday spent the night in the rain last night, and she said something about it, so I covered them up well after doing all of the adjustments (handlebars, seats, etc.) that I had wanted to do today.. Originally we were going to go for a ride, but it didn't work out...

Elysia began to go over the bills that are due, and, apparently, we are in a world of financial shit....

We have been going out to eat quite a bit, and we went to the movies last night... additionally, we have spent money here and there on a few things that we don't absolutely need in order to survive...

I don't think that she means to come off quite so accusatorily when this happens, or if she even realizes that she does... for that matter, it may not even be that she is coming off in any way, but that I simply have a guilty conscience and take it that way... I can't quite figure out which one.... same difference either way, I suppose. She stresses out, I feel like shit and stress out, and everything feels wrong as a result... it basically sucks.

In any case, it results in a tremendous amount of psychological pressure, and doesn't make for a very enjoyable time for anyone...

On top of this, the laundry apparently lost some of her clothes, so she was getting smacked from every side.... she didn't say a word all the way home from the laundromat, which is pretty uncomfortable since we are usually yapping away, holding hands, busting each others balls, etc.

When we got home, she headed in to the house without so much as a word or a glance and got to work on the bills...

I took the recyclables out and came inside and headed up to NASA (the computer room) to sort of quietly keep her company and to just sit and be close, but I got pretty freaked out by the creepy vibe, and decided to head in and take shower and go read in the other room in order to give her a little space. Thats the last thing I remember. Apparently, I crashed out. I woke up to pee and it was 1:30AM, and I can't sleep... This isn't entirely surprising for a couple of reasons; one, I am just about constantly tired due to long stressful hours at work and (relatively) short hours of sleep, and also due to the gym, which my body is still adjusting to and which tuckers me out, and, two, whenever I find myself in an extremely uncomfortable situation that I can't fix or change, I get unaccountably sleepy, no doubt this is some weird-ass escape mechanism or something... (I'm sure the psychologists would have a field day in my head....). Of course, going to sleep is the human equivalent of sticking your head in the sand, and when you wake up all of the problems are sitting right there smiling and waving at you and fully ready to fuck with you unmercifully... so, here I am... tired, and unable to sleep. Nice job, Bear!

So, the net result is this; We lost a beautiful afternoon and evening together that we will never, ever be able to get back over stress resulting from money that we brought on ourselves by acting irresponsibly. Nice going.

I need to tighten my own ass up a bit and refrain from going out to eat, going to movies, buying things, or basically doing anything that involves spending money that I don't have in my pocket at the time. It makes no sense to go out looking to have fun when I will spend the entire time stressing out and waiting for the other shoe to drop, which will effectively kill any chance of enjoying myself anyway, so what's the point??

I have learned (yet again) that you either pay now, or you pay later. I would much rather eat a peanut butter sandwich or a bowl of mac-'n-cheese at home and enjoy it a little than to go out for a steak (or whatever) enjoy it at the time, and then stress out about it or pay for it later on with guilt. The second option sucks balls.

As pathetic as it sounds, I need to take notice of the fact that I simply cannot afford to run around like a fucking hoople and spend money that I don't have. So, even though I may come off like a pill or a wet blanket when other folks want to go out and have fun and I decline, its pretty much the smart choice. In any case, there isn't any blowback to deal with later on, which, to me... is much better. I value peace of mind over a good time hands-down. The meals that we ate when we went out are digested and forgotten, the movie could have been seen for free when it came out on DVD and hit the library shelves, and I wouldn't be sitting here at two-thirty in the morning feeling like sludge while my wife tosses and turns in her sleep over financial worries...

I suppose that even though my brain is chasing its tail, and even though the chance of me falling asleep is basically nil, I should lay my ass down and at least try to get some sleep or I'll be sucking hind-tit all day tommorrow, and tommorrow is a gym day. I don't even know what the hell I'm whining about, after all, I brought this shit down on myself....

In any case, I should have seen it coming.. for one thing, when we went out to eat on Saturday after the run-walk, Elysia asked me what I was going to have... I said that I was thinking about the chicken and ribs platter, and she asked me, sounding nervous, "Do you know how much that costs?!?!", I was embarassed to the core, since I only had about twenty dollars in my pocket, and the item was seventeen and change. I immediately backpedalled, and decided on a bowl of chili ($4.95), but when the waitress came, Elysia ordered the chicken and ribs for me anyway... then I suggested that we pop over to the Museum of Natural History, which we did... it used to be that you could make a donation of your choice to gain entry, but when Elysia used her card to purchase tickets, it cost us $26.00 to get in... so, I sort of feel responsible for that, too... Apparently, she was feeling nervous about the money situation, and didn't want to make me feel bad, and I just went skipping along like a bit dildo throwing away money that we didn't have.... I don't like the way I feel about myself right now at all, and I don't plan on ever getting myself into this position again... it really blows... I fucking hate being embarrassed, and historically, I would rather starve to death than borrow or take anything from anyone else... and now here I am in a situation where I have basically dragged her down and caused her worry when I shouldn't have... I need to remember what I have always known to begin with. Its better to do without and be able to keep your head up than to have anything and not be able to repay it. Period.

I'm such an asshole sometimes... {Snort!}