The Mirror is Looking a Little Dingy...

Self image can be a funny thing. I have pretty much always had a healthy level of self-esteem, but I have found that in the past few years, my self-image has taken a major hit. I don't think of this very often, until something happens that shoves it into my face, and then I don't really have much of a choice.

There was a time when I was slimmer, better-looking, and either working in a relatively exciting career, or making great money, or both.

On all counts, those times are gone....

I am plumper, uglier, and busting my ass to make less money than ever before...

As a result, I don't feel like much of a catch, to be honest...

The issue that fomented my writing of this blog took a huge chunk out of my self-esteem, to be honest, and even though things have basically gotten back to normal, somewhere in my heart I will always believe that there is something about him that calls to Elysia... something that I don't have, or something that is better. It took some major reason to start the whole thing, at least I feel that it must be so.

When money problems, or anything else crop up, and I get whatever those vibes are from Elysia that translate in my head as, "this is your fault", or, "If you were better, or made more money, we wouldn't have these problems", or, "If I wasn't stuck with you, I wouldn't have to deal with all this crap", my self-esteem takes a major league dive.

The thing is, I want to please her... I like to please her... because when she is pleased, she smiles, and the flowers bloom a little more colorfully, the bees make better honey, and the sun shines a little bit brighter, and everything seems right in the world...

When I feel as though I have contributed to her worries and her problems, I feel like shit. So, today I'm a little down on myself. On days like today, every little nuance about her, everything that she has said or done lately, any imagined slight takes on major proportions in my mind, and I get sucked into this huge spiral of guilt and worry and resentment and sadness....

On top of everything, I piss myself off when I get neurotic over this shit... but can't seem to break out of it.

Just another great day, I suppose.... I want to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.