Because... NObody Cares... That's Why!

Marcheline and I spent the night watching a show on The Military Channel entitled "The War Tapes" - (In March 2004, just as the insurgent movement strengthened, several members of one National Guard unit arrived in Iraq, carrying digital video cameras. The War Tapes is the film that they made.)

One segment of the show was taped after the soldiers returned, and one of them, a SGT. Michael Moriarty was explaining how it was difficult to talk to the guys he worked with, and, for that matter, with just about anyone... because, as he explained, they didn't care to hear about his experiences in combat. He went on to explain how they would even sometimes initiate the conversation, asking him questions, or whether he had any pictures... and that when he would take the pictures out, they would become uncomfortable, or simply let their attention drift, and walk away from him... he was expressing his frustration and anger at this... how he sometimes felt like grabbing one of them by the throat and saying, "Listen, asshole!! YOU ASKED to see my pictures... the LEAST you can do is to LOOK at them!!!"

As I listened to him talk, it occurred to me how similar my own experiences were with this soldier's... and, I suppose, with the experiences of every soldier who has ever returned home from war going all the way back in time... it is a very difficult thing to truly come to understand... intellectually.... and an almost impossible thing to finally internalize; Nobody really wants to hear about your experiences... and nobody really wants to know what you went through.... ... they just... Don't.

In the title of this blog, I stated that 'NObody cares... that's why!' - primarily because I'm a wiseass... and, for a good length of time, I believed that this was so... (to some degree, I still *do* believe that this is so... and in many cases, it probably IS so!! Many people simply don't care.) I think that in most cases, however, people simply can't relate to the experience of a combat veteran. Many have seen the movies.. watched the news... and read the books, magazines, and articles... but, that's it. When the movie ends, or the article comes to a close, they move on to whatever comes next in their work-a-day life... and that, my friends, is just about as close as most people ever want to come to warfare. Period. And this should be perfectly understandable to anyone... soldier or not. I think it is probably the most healthy attitude that someone can have towards war... aversion, disgust, avoidance... to my mind, the concept of a 'Just War' is like the concept of 'Just Bigotry' or 'Just Torture' or 'Just Unfairness'... its Crap!! So, I cannot blame those who do not wish to partake of the experiences of soldiers who are returning home... It would be nice to hear them say something like, "Thanks for your service... its good to have you back home!" But, in most cases, that isn't going to happen... at any rate, the average normal person doesn't want any part of war, and I don't blame them for that. I don't want any part of it either.

Many folks feel some obligation to ask 'what was it like?' 'did you kill anyone?' 'when do you have to go back?' or 'weren't you scared?'... but, they aren't really asking in order to get an answer.. any more than people really want to hear how you are doing when they ask, "How're you doing?" -

You see.. Its a pro-forma question... and you are expected to answer with the pre-scripted, boilerplate reply; "Fine thanks!", or "Great! ..And you?" or something to that effect.

If you have ever asked someone how they were doing, and they began to tell you... you know how in certain circumstances, this can be socially very awkward... in others, appropriate... the trick is in learning to identify which situation requires which response... so that you can reply appropriately.

So... in just about 99.9% of the cases where somebody asks me, "What was it like?" or, "did you ever have to kill anybody?" or any of those sorts of questions that polite civilians who wish to seem moderately interested in the plight of a soldier ofttimes ask, they really only want to hear, "Ah... I just mopped floors and answered phones...", or "It was like a big long camping trip... and the food was terrible.." or something like that... if that... and that is all.

It isn't that they don't care... any more than you don't care about how someone is actually doing when you ask "How're you doing?" and the circumstances don't warrant a detailed response; it isn't a reflection on that person's care or compassion, but more or less regarding social niceties. If they had wanted to go to war, they would have enlisted, or gotten a commission... and gone. If they were found to be unsuitable for service for whatever reason, it isn't nice to draw attention to that... if they chose not to go to war, then one of two circumstances will exist. Either, A. They stand by that decision to this day... in which case, they don't want to hear about warfare, and it would be rude to force it on them. Or, B. They regret not having gone, in which case, it wouldn't be nice to embarrass them by regaling them with stories that would only serve to point out the fact to them that they did not serve. Worse yet, with stories that may press someone who is otherwise eminently unsuited for military service to enlist simply to prove something to themselves or others... and in so doing, possibly get themselves, or perhaps others, hurt or killed...

As a soldier returning home filled to the gills with all of these sights, sounds, experiences, and stories, we naturally want to share them, and to help others to understand some part of what we have accomplished, what we have taken part in... and what we have experienced.

The rub, however, is that no matter how great of a story teller we may be, and no matter how detailed the narrative... *nobody who has not been there will EVER understand*... period. And those who have had such experiences don't need to be told, and most likely don't want to talk about it in any case... many folks have crapped their pants, vomited on themselves, taken a bad fall from a bicycle, stepped in dog shit, lost a loved one or a pet...or what have you. This is part of being human; we have miserable, painful, or unpleasant experiences.. we have all experienced these unpleasant circumstances..or similar ones.. but that doesn't mean that we want to discuss them, or dredge them up... they sucked enough when they happened.. why keep bringing them up? (I am not trying to draw a parallel between these experiences and the experiences of a combat soldier... I am simply saying that *everyone* shares certain types of unpleasant experiences... but this doesn't mean that we like to talk about them...)

This penchant that folks have for not wanting to hear about my experiences as a soldier, the things I saw, felt, thought, experienced, and learned, used to bother me to no end... it drove me crazy!.. I simply couldn't understand how people could react they way that they did!.. didn't they know that we (military types) were keeping them and their families safe??!! What the *hell* is wrong with them??!! *How* could they not be interested?? Didn't they care about us at all?? We sacrificed so much for our nation... some gave absolutely *EVERYTHING*!!

But, over time... though observation and contemplation... and, in good part, through discussing these feelings with my wife, who is my savior in so many ways.. I came to realize that my thoughts were illusory and mistaken at best... and delusional at worst... I was only seeing things through the lens of a soldier.. and this simply does not focus on the entire picture... I may *want* and *hope* that others value my service a great deal... but this doesn't obligate them to do so... I wasn't drafted, I volunteered.. this was my choice to enter the military. Nowadays, I think some soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines are compelled to serve.. however, this is all part and parcel with our responsibility as citizens of this country. Our experiences after being active duty servicemen and women are just as much a part of being a soldier as our experiences during active service... and, like so many of the unpleasant and difficult things that we go through as soldiers... this is just something that has to be gotten around, or gotten through... and that's that. Just do it. Drive on!

So.. like SGT Moriarty, I struggled with these thoughts for quite some time. Eventually, however, it finally occurred to me that we served so that other Americans wouldn't be forced to experience the horrors of war. If we wanted that to happen, we could simply wait until we were attacked, on our own territory.... but, that isn't what we wanted... and it isn't what we want now. Mind you, I am in no way comparing my experiences with those of SGT Moriarty. I have not walked in his shoes, and I do not know the half of what he has gone through... what I *do* know, however, is that I am grateful to him for his valiant service, and I am proud to have him as a brother in arms. (If you should ever happen to read this, bro... Thank You. From my heart... there are damned few like you. Hooah!)

So... what have I come to understand??

Well... Those of us who served in the military... whatever the branch of service, and in whatever capacity.... did what we set out to do... we did our job.. and we came home.

Many of our brothers and sisters are not so fortunate to come home.

We know what we did. And now we are home and we have done our part. Whether anyone else recognizes that fact or wants to hear about it changes nothing. We did our part.

I did my part... however small and insignificant it may be.

That's good enough for me.

Now, each day, I have to find ways to put those experiences to good use by making choices that enrich and enhance my life, and the lives of those around me. Warfare seldom settles or changes anything... not really... but, there are certain intangible traits that soldiers are inculcated with through their experiences that can make a difference... they are small, and mostly go unnoticed, but they make a difference just the same.

Some but not all of the lessons learned as a soldier, are;

• We are all brothers... and we help one another; we are only as strong as our weakest link.



• It doesn't matter what we look like, what color we are, or what accent we speak with.. we are all one family.



• What hurts one of us, hurts all of us.



• Most likely, none of us will get out this alive... so we have to make the best out of the time that we have.



• Nobody ever said that it would be easy.



• ... just one more step. You can ALWAYS take just one more step...

So... people may not want to hear the stories... but they can still benefit from them... even if they never actually listen....