"Presence"

Didja ever have one of those things that suddenly pops up, and then continues to assert itself into your life everywhere you go??

A few months ago, the boss of the company I worked for for only a few months had made a comment about my 'presence' - the gist of which was that by virtue of said presence, I 'take over the office' and am, therefore... even if I simply sit in complete silence (Okay... that doesn't happen a lot.. I'll admit.. but, it does happen from time to time... shut up Marcheline!) and do my work...

Honestly, when he said this, I just sat there and stared at him, coming, as it did, as a complete surprise to me. ("... my... what?!")

Let's face it; It seems, at least on the face of things, that this would be a good thing, right?? Hey! I have a 'presence'!! I'm charismatic!! This is great!!

But... well.. it ain't coming off that way... it's more like; 'We don't like having you around... go away!'.

When I sit and think about it, I can remember instances where other incidents have occurred which were sort of weird at the time... but, not connected enough for me to draw conclusions or put things together;

Once I walked into a bank in order to get change of a $100 bill. When I approached the counter and explained what I needed, the now sheepish bank teller and the unknown male (managerial?) functionary standing behind her apologetically explained to me that the police were going to be arriving soon, that they had kicked the duress lever when they saw me entering the bank... and that I should probably think about keeping my hands visible to avoid awkward circumstances... and that, oh, yes - "We would be happy to change the bill for you, sir, ... and we are very sorry about the mixup."

Very sorry about the mixup?? What the HELL is that?? I walked in to the place.. that's it! Period! Finito!! I wasn't carrying a 'loot bag', or wearing a huge gangster overcoat... or anything... (as a matter of fact, I was in sweats!) -- and these fruit-loops kicked the duress lever!

After the fiasco of the cops screeching up with guns drawn, and the half hour of figuring out what had happened, I was allowed to go on my way... feeling like an asshole.

Another time, I was waiting behind a man who was using a drive up pay phone. I simply pulled behind him, leaving a courteous and appropriate distance between vehicles... (around 12 or 15 feet), and I shut my vehicle off, got out, and went into the Texaco mini-mart (the phone was on their property) to get a Snapple or something.. as I was walking back to my vehicle, three cop cars pulled into the lot, one of them directly in front of me, cutting me off in my tracks. It turned out that the guy at the pay phone had called the police saying that a 'dangerous man' was 'threatening' him.

When the police interviewed him, he couldn't actually articulate anything specific that I had said or done to be so threatening... (I was standing there.. incredulous.. as he flapped his arms and sputtered while trying to pull a specific instance of threatening behavior out of thin air...) eventually just shrugging and indicating me with a wave of his hand, he asked one of the cops "do you know this guy?!", to which the police officer answered, "I've seen him around the neighborhood... he's quiet and he minds his own business... why?"

The gent looked searchingly from police officer to police officer, as though they were all doddering idiots, and blind to boot... and in utter indignity, exclaimed, "Just *LOOK* at him!! He's a *VERY* dangerous man!"

Happily, the police were not swayed by this, and after explaining to him that falsely reporting an incident was a misdemeanor crime in this state, sent him on his way, and left me to my phone call.

Urk!

Now.. lately I have been hearing this whole presence thing once again... but, in some instances, it has actually been beneficial.

On the downside, one of the bartenders that I work with has a son who also works with us as a member of the waitstaff. I had noticed that he (the son) acted strangely around me at times, but had never commented on it or anything. Well, last night I was working with the father, and one of the banquet managers had come in to give us some instructions, ending with a comment directed at me, something along the lines of; "... and don't be looking at me with those scary eyes of yours, Bear!"

Scary eyes?! I hear this one alot; scary eyes, piercing eyes, creepy eyes, freaky eyes.. Look! They are just eyes... I use them to see with. I don't project death rays from them.. they're just my eyes. I was born with them... deal with it!

I looked at the other bartender, and said, "What the hell is HE on about??", whereupon the other bartender told me that his son was actually 'terrified' of me.

I was absolutely dumbfounded! I just stared at him... I swear my mouth must have been hanging open... I couldn't believe what I was hearing.... after what seemed like a week, I finally managed to summon up the wherewithal to croak out a weak.. "..why?" to him in response.

He said, "I don't know.. he's really intimidated by you. I told him that you are one of the gentlest people I have ever known, but he is still freaked out by you."

??!!

My wife suggested that I purchase some casual clothing, but added that I shouldn't get anything black, because it was too 'severe'. At the time, I just let it pass, but it ran around in my head for a few days, until I was compelled to ask her to explain what she meant by that... she cast around for a few seconds and finally, by way of explanation, said, "Well.. it's just... too much.. you scare people.. and they don't like it" - (I am paraphrasing.. but I'm close...).

I stopped by her office this past Thursday to take her to lunch. It was the first time I had been there. When I walked into the office, the only people there were her and one of her bosses, a guy named 'Mike'. Marcheline introduced us, and Mike sort of muttered a low 'hi'.. and sort of scrunched down and collapsed in on himself... very clearly uncomfortable with my presence. I was low key... pleasant... and friendly... I am a generally gregarious and humorous/playful person... and I have an extremely gentle nature... so this catches me utterly off-guard!

The next day, Mike was talking to the other owner of the business over the telephone. Apparently the other lad was heading down to Atlantic City to watch some sort of free-fighting, or wrestling, or ultimate fighting championship.. or something... and Marcheline heard Mike tell the other owner, "Marcheline's husband was in here yesterday.. he looks like a heavyweight champion... he could probably beat all of those guys!". (Just for the record, I would get my ASS KICKED!!)

So.. this blows me away... but what blows me away even further is this little gem;

I have been looking for a full-time position in order to keep income flowing into the household. I've been doing the whole bit; searching the help-wanted ads and postings, sending out resumes, and going to interviews... since I have been in this loop lately with the job search thing... it has begun to wear on me to some degree. I sort of decided that I would just start applying to things that are sort of 'out of the box' -- in other words, jobs that I don't really care one way or the other about... no stress involved; if they hire me, I'm not that thrilled - it's income and I intend to continue to look for something better... and if they don't hire me, I'm not in the least bit disappointed, because I simply don't care. Sort of a crappy way to go about it, but my interest is to simply get some cash flow right now... and worry about a lasting career when I can find something that interests me.

So.. I went to an interview at a place that is relatively close to home, sort of a smarmy, creepy place... semi crappy pay, semi decent benefits - but not too difficult work, not a bad schedule.. a 'toss-up' job. (It's a toss-up whether its a crap job or a half-way decent job...). Since there was absolutely no emotional content on my part regarding the outcome of the interview.. I more or less decided that I wasn't going to go through the whole 'sales presentation' of trying to sell myself in order to get the job. So, I went, I filled out the application, and during the interview I just sat there, calmly. I answered any of the questions I was asked in the briefest way possible, and I was polite and nice... but otherwise, I just sat there.

I was supposed to have interviewed with the office manager/administrator, but he had a family emergency and had to run out the door... so I interviewed with his boss; the general manager. Well, he started trumpeting and praising me, and saying how pleased he was with me, and how he thought I was 'exceptional' and 'stood out from the crowd'.

(... um, ... what?!!)

(I JUST - SAT THERE!)

I didn't really respond to this praise.. I just sat there... I didn't really say much of anything... and then I left.

When I got called back for the second interview, the office manager went on and on about all of the things that the general manager had had to say about me, and about how taken he was with me, how impressed he was with my 'presence', etc., etc. - and then he went on to say how impressed and happy HE (the office manager) was with me... and, they offered me the job, to boot. -- did I mention that I just sat there calmly during the interview and said maybe... oh, five words in both interviews?! (I just can't! I don't know what I can't... but I know I can't... this is very confusing... good! Because I got the job... but, still confusing... oh, man...)

I went directly from there to another interview and did the same thing... with the same result... I just sat there.. and they filled in all the blanks with their own projected impression of me... I was great, and intelligent, and completely qualified to do the job, and had a fantastic presence.. the whole bit. And all I did was to sit there and keep my mouth shut!

I'm not sure what that is... but its kind of freaky if you ask me.

I have been told, over the years, by various people, that I had initially frightened them, that I looked like I was;

• angry


• an asshole


• dangerous


• intense


• insane

.. along with many other not-so-attractive adjectives. The conversation inevitably starts with a confession; "Wow.. you are so much nicer than I originally thought you were...", or, "You are very different than the way you look!", or, "I owe you an apology... I really misjudged you at first..."

All I can say is that I cannot, nor would I, change the way that I look. I honestly don't see what others are apparently seeing, whether in my own internal self-view, or from what I see in the mirror, nor yet in photos. I don't quite believe that I have a presence.. actually, the whole thing seems sort of silly; I am a somewhat plump, frumpy, non-nondescript sort of fellow. At least, it appears that way to me. Other people are seeing something else, though, and I can't help but wonder how many friendships have passed me by because somebody mistakenly thought that I wanted to beat them up or something.. I suppose I should also be thankful for the times muggers passed over me for weaker looking targets...

I suppose we all arrive at judgments based almost entirely on appearances, since, in many cases, that is all that we have to go on.

As for me, I think I will do my best to reserve those judgments until I get a chance to get to know people a little better... I am forced to question how many friendships I have lost out on as a result of my own faulty perceptions and judgments?