And Don' Try No Fargin' Tricks! Uddawise You Gonna Wind Up Widda You Bells Inna Sling!!

Here's one all you guys will particularly like.. (Not!!)

Saturday night, while tending bar, I started to experience very sharp severe pains in my lower abdomen. In all honesty, I thought I was having some really bad gas pains... They were killing me! I had to use all of my self-control not to double over at times.

This was one of the few times that I was actually wishing that I could bake a huge fart in a public place.... if only the pain would stop.

Well. It didn't. It just got worse, and worse, and worse throughout the night... which makes for a very long night, by the way.

I was in pain all night night long, and still hurting when I headed in to work on Sunday. There were a few times when I literally couldn't stand up, and had to bend over and rest my elbows on the table alongside my bar. At one point, I went into the men's room, just to be able to sit for a few minutes. I was in excrutiating pain, and it only seemed to be getting worse!!

At the end of the night, it was all I could do to carry all the shit back to where it was supposed to go as I cleaned up. (We have some pretty heavy stuff to carry... I was barely making it...)

When I got home, I started having repetetive spasms that were doubling me over, and causing me to make some of the oddest sounds that have ever come out of me... (well... maybe not the oddest... but I was making some freaky animal noises...)



Elysia began to get worried, and suggested that she take me to the emergency room, which I immediately refused. She stayed on it, and I dug my heels in. (She is German/Irish/Scottish and I am Scottish/Irish/Welsh/Rroma (Gypsy) - So, we are two of the most tenacious ((read 'stubborn fucks')) individuals that you will ever come across at times....) She wouldn't let go, because she thought I was likely dying, and I wouldn't give in...well.... because I'm a stubborn Scottish bastard at times...

I finally stumbled into the bathroom, closed the door, and stayed in there for a bit. She headed in to the bedroom, and waited.

Eventually, it became clear to me that there was nothing I could accomplish in the bathroom that was going to relieve the pain even one iota... in honesty, there was nothing going on at all, and I was starting to wonder what the hell was wrong with me...

When the pain would hit, it not only hurt in my abdomen, but also down a little lower... i.e., 'the boys'. This was not cool at all!!

I headed into the bedroom to lay down and die, and Elysia lay there, fully dressed, in 'Emergency Reaction' mode... meaning that she was prepared to rush me to the hospital when whatever hideous thing that she was sure was going to happen happened. (I don't know what this was, but I'm sure it was along the lines of me convulsing, losing consciousness, hemmhoraging, or what-have-you... you know, fun stuff!)

All through the night, I was in agony... until I learned that there was a positional element at play; If I found just the right position, the pain subsided to a dull throb... if I deviated from that position, however, I was immediately gripped by a spasm of pain that made me think I was going to die, and then made me terrified that I was not going to die!!

It was at this point that the medic in me began to wonder just what was causing this, and I started to cross likely candidates off of my mental list... I knew that it wasn't likely to be something that was going to go away on its own... but I don't have medical insurance, I don't make that much money, and I was fearful of horrific medical costs, as stupid as that sounds.

Elysia woke me (well.. I wasn't actually sleeping.. I should say that she roused me..) and announced that she needed to talk to me. I asked her what was on her mind, and she basically said that either I would go to the doctor with her, or, she was going to stay home from work (she said she wasn't going to work in any case), and that she would sit out in front of my job until I either came to my senses, or until I passed out from the pain, at which time she would take me to the doctor anyway... I agreed to go (there wasn't much of an option, and I realized that I had really been putting her through some changes over this...)

We went to a doctor that was a friend of Elysia's mom. He announced that I had a bona-fide medical emergency on my hands, and that it may take surgury to correct... (we both just about shit at hearing that!), he gave me a pain killer (which did absolutely nothing, by the way!), and told me that I had to see a urologist immediately. He called and arranged an appointment an hour from then, and I hobbled out to the vehicle with Elysia, and off we went.

When we saw the urologist, he announced that he knew exactly what was wrong with me, and how to cure it!

He did a quick sonogram, which confirmed what he had suspected, and then he made public his diagnosis: 'Epididymitis', which is an infection of the epididymis, which is the cord that surrounds and attaches the testicle to my body. (In this case, specifically the lad on the left. The feller over on the right was doing swimmingly well, thanks!). He told me that I had to use heat therapy (I suppose to create sort of an artificial fever in the local area), wear tight undies (Ouch!), take Advil or Motrin, and take an antibiotic, which he gave to me on the spot! (Thanx Doc! The boys and I salute you!)

So. Today I am home from work, hobbling around when I move at all, taking care to take all of my meds and do anything and everything that the doctor ordered.

My gorgeous Elysia went well above and beyond the call of duty in looking out for me, seeing to any and all needs that I had, feeding me, comforting me, and basically being the angel that she is.

Yesterday, I felt as though my nuts were in a vise, today I'm just kinda sore. So I guess it's getting better, which is a good thing!!

Any of you who have ever had this will likely sympathize with me... any of you who have not, I do not wish it on you. It pretty much sucks little baby monkey dicks!

I hope you will all wish me and the lads a speedy recovery since the doc forbade any sexual activity at all until all the meds are gone, and everything is healed and better. Yikes, who would've thought that modern medicine could be so barbaric!?!?