A Blank Canvas

Last night I worked a New Year's Eve party. There were perhaps 265 people attending the party. At some point, the DJ asked the assembled guests to 'make some noise' if they had a good 2007; You could've heard a pin drop. The room was completely, utterly and (at least to me...) significantly silent. After a few moments of unnatural quiet, he then asked whether anyone hoped to have a better year in 2008 than they did in 2007 and the noise from the jubilant crowd nearly brought the roof down!

Apparently, nobody found this past year to be all that much to scream about. It seems sort of weird that everybody had a hard time of it, though... you would think that some folks would've had a good year, and some folks would've had difficulties... but, judging from this response, plus the snippets of conversation that I have overheard all year; 2007 has kicked the living shit out of just about everyone.

2007 was a fairly difficult year for us, for our extended group of family and friends, and for just about everyone that we know. We are considerably fewer in number than we were a year ago.. those who are no longer with us have left a noticeable hole in the fabric of our lives that will take some time to mend. They have left us with happy memories, and a great sadness at their loss. While it is true that birth and death are always with us, and while I am comfortable with the idea that death is a natural part of life.. I still mourn the loss of the relationship with each of them. I can still love them, and I do. I can carry them in my heart and bring them forth whenever I like; But they can't answer me... they can't offer their physical presence... I can't hear their voices, or see their smiles any more. I miss them.

Financially, we got spanked throughout the entire year, to the point that we would go to sleep and wake up with fears of homelessness chilling our blood.

In hearing what other folks have had to contend with, however, it seems that we have been lucky. This past year has simply been a time of difficulty for everyone.

That isn't to say that there were no good times.. we had our laughs and our triumphs, but the overall picture has been one of austerity and tribulation.

I sit here this morning looking out of my window at a dreary, gloomy, grey day; one of those Long Island days where it never seems to get past 6AM judging by the quality of the light. Nevertheless, I am holding on fast to hopes for a kinder, gentler, happier and more joyful and prosperous year.

Like most folks, I tend to stop and take stock of life on New Year's Day... looking back at how things were, and comparing what I remember to how things are today. Some things never seem to change much, while in other instances the change is startling (and some times appalling!)

I would like to be able to say that I will be doing things differently this year, but, to be honest, I can't really think of all that much that we can do!! We sat down a few weeks ago to work out a household budget; the idea being that we would be able to identify some areas where we could cut back a bit in order to make it somewhat easier to get the bills paid. What we discovered was that we are so thrifty already that there simply wasn't anyplace left that we could cut back!! I was discussing this topic with my mom on the telephone a week or so ago, and mentioned that it suddenly became difficult to make ends meet, and she posited that the rising prices of food and oil have steadily crept up on us and have eaten away all of the 'extra' money that most of us had... and has begun to chip away at the funds that we need to survive. Working extra sounds like a good plan, except that most of the businesses that would usually provide this extra income are either drastically cutting back, and therefore are not hiring, or simply don't have a schedule that is possible for folks that already work a full-time job plus a part-time job. So what do you do there??

I religiously search for a better paying job, for something part-time that is close enough so that I can actually manage to get to it in a timely fashion, or for some opportunity 'outside of the box' that may offer a bit of relief... but, so far I haven't had any luck at all.

At one point, we decided to start selling our belongings... only to find out that a). We aren't the only folks in the world, apparently, who are in the same position.. and they are selling the same type of crap as well... and b). Nobody seems to have the money to buy the stuff we are selling.

The only thing left to do is to keep 'driving on' and keep my eyes and ears open for a better opportunity.

I suppose that in the meantime, the best thing that I can do is to simply do the best that I can at using less... less food, less electricity, less gas, less everything.

There was a time when I could sell my artwork or craft-work to make whatever extra money that I needed when I was in a pinch - doing portraits, designing T-shirts, Tattoo Flash, embroidered emblems, and what have you... but, when everybody is being weighed down by the same burden, this is the sort of thing that gets pushed to the back burner; people just can't afford to spend money on 'extras'.

This past year has served to remind me, once again, that nothing is written in stone, and that any one of my friends or family can be ripped away from me without warning. This sobering thought simply solidifies my desire to live each day and each breath as though it were the last... and to treasure each and every moment that I have with those who share my life.

Although I don't have much in the way of material wealth, I am rich beyond measure... I have family and friends who love me, support me, and whose enduring presence bring me joy and happiness. I have a beautiful wife who loves me with all of her heart, and who I can count on to stand by my side in the face of anything that comes our way.. I am warm, fed, loved, and happy. I have more than most folks have, and considerably more than some poor souls will ever have in their lifetime.

I don't know what this year will have in store for me. Part of me looks forward in anticipation, while part of me shrinks back from what might be heading for me...

As for my hopes for 2008, I would like to;

• Strengthen my body.
• Deepen my spiritual practice.
• Improve my financial circumstances.
• Get my house in order - i.e. actually do many of the things that have been put off such as clean out the attic, and finish all of the unfinished projects that are laying around and collecting dust!
• Pick up my chanter and my bagpipes once again, and practice! It has been so long since I have played them.. its kind of sad, actually.
• Devote some time to artistic ventures - it has been so long since I have simply drawn, painted, or sculpted anything...
• Spend more time wandering in the woods, along the beaches, and out under the sky!
• Take photographs simply for the love of it!
• Write - stories, poetry, what have you..

While I do enjoy the work at my job, it is becoming increasingly clearer to me that I cannot, most likely, manage to live on what I earn there. Not that I am being inundated with offers, but I am probably going to have to find some line of work that enable me to earn significantly more than I am earning now... or we are going to be in worse shape by the end of this year than we are today; I don't foresee the cost of living suddenly dropping.

It has been nearly a year since Myo-Shin (a nun in my monastic community) has passed away (it will be a year this coming February). Her husband is the Osho of our local Zen Center;

(Dictionary Tangent Begins Here)

Osho

(Japanese Zen term)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Look up 和尚 in
Wiktionary, the free dictionary.

Oshō is the Japanese reading of the Chinese he shang (和尚), meaning a high-ranking Buddhist monk or highly virtuous Buddhist monk. It is also a respectful designation for Buddhist monks in general and may be used with the suffix -san. It is originally derived from the Sanskrit upadhyaya, meaning "master" in the sense of "teacher".

The two characters making up the word are actually pronounced oshō only in the Zen and Pure Land sects. For example, they are read kashō in the Tendai sect and wajō in the Shingon sect.

(Herendeth the Dictionary Tangent)

ANYway... it was in December of last year that he was ordained as an Osho, and it was upon his return from California (the headquarters of our Order in the U.S.) where he had gone to attend the Osho ordination ceremony that he learned that his wife was very ill. They had both gone to Los Angeles a week or so prior to the scheduled Ordination ceremony to attend a Monastic training retreat. When they returned to New York, Myo-Shin had what we all believed to be a cold or a flu. She was supposed to have accompanied him to attend the Ordination ceremony but elected not to go because she didn't feel up to it. What we did not know at the time was that she had less than two months left to live...

For a Zen Monk, Ordination as an Osho comes with two very difficult and important responsibilities; The first is to found a Temple. The second is to produce an 'heir' or protegé to whom the Osho can pass on his Zen Lineage (we trace our lineage of Teacher to student transmission all the way back to the historical Buddha - Shakyamuni Buddha; Siddhartha Gotama. ((My teacher is the 82nd in line counting from the Buddha through each of his successive disciples in this particular lineage, down to the present day.)) )

Due to the sudden and unexpected death of his wife, to whom he was married for 54 years, these responsibilities were set aside for the period of a year in order for him to mourn her passing, and so that he would be able to regain his center and re-establish some balance in his life. It was not deemed appropriate for him to make any major decisions or undertake any new ventures during this time period, so he spent the year traveling with his teacher and strengthening his practice and his understanding of Zen.

It is likely that once this period of mourning has passed, he will likely turn his attention towards establishing a temple here on Long Island. (Our Zendo is a room in his house, which he owns. A temple cannot be privately owned, but must be owned by the Rinzai Order). I am not sure what he will decide to do.. (i.e., leave things as they are, sell the house to the Rinzai Order, raise funds to purchase a property for the purpose of establishing a temple, or some other avenue...) but, whatever he decides to do, the bulk of the actual work will be done by his monks. If this comes to pass, we will definitely have our hands full!

He is nearly 70 years old, so I don't know whether this is something that he will be willing to tackle at this point. I suppose I will have to just wait and see.

In any case, I look forward to opportunities to alleviate some of our financial worries, to gatherings of our clan throughout the year; gatherings full of love and laughter! I look forward to thousands and thousands of hugs and kisses from by beautiful wife, to warm silky cats purring in my arms, to sunny spring mornings and to welcoming each new flower that wakes from its winter slumber... I look forward to hours of meditative silence, warm summer days, and many, many delicious meals that I will cook both for my wife, and for my order (I am the Tenzo - the Zen Gardener & Cook, whose responsibility it is to prepare delicious and nutritious meals for the monastic community and for our guests and lay practitioners). I look forward to all of the books that I will read, and all of the new things that I will learn. I look forward to each and every success and triumph - my own, and those of my family, my friends, and all of my acquaintances. I look forward to the feeling of freshness and possibility that each morning will bring... and to laying down at the end of a long day of work with my wife and holding her close to me as we drop off to sleep. I look forward to the laughter that we will share, and to connecting to people each day; reaffirming our shared humanity, and rejoicing in one another's presence.

A human life is a fleeting thing... it is like writing on the surface of water with a stick.. both coming into being and being destroyed simultaneously.. I want to be there, completely and unreservedly; for every single moment of my life; whatever it brings.

This year I hope to make each step that I take a soft, tranquil, loving kiss upon the earth, rather than running around planting strife and disquiet in a useless attempt to control everything that is happening around me... I want to reign in my mind's propensity to attach to everything that is whirling around me.. I want this year to be a year of calm joy in life.. I want to learn to be a better observer, and above all, a better listener.

Today is the first day of a whole new year. We have a blank canvas upon which we can paint whatever we desire.

Happy New Year everyone... I sincerely hope that this year will bring each and every one of you happiness, prosperity, joy and success.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog, for reading what I put down here, and for touching my life, and allowing me to touch yours.

I feel as though many of you have become my friends. I haven't met any of you, but I have developed a great deal of affection for you; We may not share the same space, but we share what is in our minds and what is within our hearts. This seems to me to be the very measure of friendship - we see directly into one another, without being swayed or deluded by judgments based upon personal appearance, social status, or any of the other illusory barriers that we humans erect between ourselves and others. I enjoy reading your blogs, and when you write of your high points and your low points, I feel them with you. Many of you have made it a point to be supportive of me when I was having a rough time, and many of you have given me cause to laugh until my stomach hurt and tears were streaming down my face. Some of you have given me reason to cry when you have written of your pain. All of you have shared your lives with me in some way.

Thanks guys.. it makes me happy to know that you are out there, somewhere.. I hope we have a great 2008!