Facing a New Week...

Friday I missed work; I had been up all night with fierce stomach cramps and some other adventures that needn't be expounded upon... suffice it to say that I was not fit to leave the house for any reason of less import than fleeing a fire or some other life-threatening reason.

I felt marginally better Friday evening... and by Saturday felt more or less human. This was fortunate, since Saturday was my wife and my 'Eclipse Anniversary' which I wouldn't want to miss...

Today we woke up and ground some fresh coffee-beans and while listening to 'Sunday Baroque' on NPR enjoyed our coffee in the garden while we played a couple of games of chess with Jack (the outside cat) at our feet.

Afterwards, we sat quietly and just enjoyed the morning. I was watching what was quite possibly one of the largest dragonflies I had ever seen in all of my life as it alternately perched on a limb at the top of a tree in the neighbor's yard two houses away... the tree is perhaps 80 to 100 feet tall.. (I told you it was a huge dragonfly!! -- we are estimating ((well.. guesstimating, really... but still... we are fairly close, I think...)) that it had to have been about 10" to a foot long from wingtip to wingtip... so, even if we are inadvertently exaggerating, and you take away the 2" extra resulting from the 'Holy shit!' factor... it is still a monster of a bug!! -- as I had been saying, I was watching it as it would perch on the top of a huge Catawba tree... and then it would take off and fly around up there, presumably hunting for breakfast... and then, I guess when it caught something it would return to its perch and munch away... I was getting more and more blown away as it became apparent that its size wasn't the result of an optical illusion... it was just BIG!! Birds would fly very close to it at times, and that let me guess its size relative to them... I also wondered what went through their pea-brains when they got a look at this fella sitting up there contentedly munching away on water buffalo or draft horses or whatever the hell it eats!!

While we were looking at the dragonfly, the birds, and the various butterflies that popped by to inspect the flowers or play in the mist from the sprinklers, we saw another creature that sort of defies description; The closest thing that it resembled was something half way between a moth, and a bat. It had a sort of wedge-shaped body, or was carrying something... I couldn't really tell (I was sort of caught by surprise by the sight of this thing, to be honest....), and wings that resembled the wings of a Leonardo DaVinci Flying Machine... with a curved front surface and a sort of membranous trailing edge. The body was very dark in color, and the wings were a reddish-sorta-burnt-orange in color. It didn't do a great deal of flapping... more gliding... with a very occasional lazy flap every so often. The body looked as though it was hanging from the wings more than between them, which is what made me wonder if whatever the heck it was was carrying something. It flew by in one direction, went behind some trees, and then flew back out again before flying off... so I only really got a couple of glimpses of it for perhaps eight to ten seconds in total. After it had gone, I sort of just sat there, mystified, trying to make what I had seen gel with some creature in my mental catalog of living things... and I couldn't. Has anybody else seen anything that sounds like what I have described??

After sitting in our garden for a while, I made a salad, and we ate in companionable silence before heading up to the Zen Garden to weed and harvest altar flowers, and then over to the Zen Center to trim and rake and sweep and clean. We watered whatever needed watering, straightened and neatened, and put away dishes and cups and whatever other doo-dads needed puttin' away... and then, after a brief stop to pick up a cold drink for each of us, headed towards home, stopping to do some grocery shopping on the way.

Marcheline made some of her ass-kicking salsa when we got home, and we watched a DVD together and ate chips and salsa. It was a nice peaceful evening.

Until.

My mom called and left a message on my voicemail sort of hammering me because she 'hasn't been able to get in touch with me for over six weeks' -- which sounds like a legitimate complaint, except for the fact that I spoke with her just this past week. So, what do I do with that?? I'm not going to tell her that we just spoke last week and make her feel like an ass... so I suppose when I talk to her, I will just let her rail at me and tell her that I will do my best not to let it happen again.

She said "That's a very long time and is unacceptable... even for a monk!!"

This seems to be the angle that anyone and everyone who ever gets annoyed or angry with me takes; they play the 'monk' card. As in, "You know... I thought monks were supposed to be.... [insert favorite characteristic of the moment here], or, "if this monk thing doesn't help you to be [flavor of the month again] I don't see what good it is."

Monks are 'supposed' to be like the monks that one sees on television and in the movies. It's all 'grasshopper this' and 'grasshopper that' -- smiles and doing whatever it takes to make everyone feel however they would like to be made to feel at any given moment.

Well..... Wrong.

Monks feel anger, and they fart, and they eat, and they sometimes feel that it is a responsibility to break someone away from their attachments and from their views.

And some people don't like this... wrong views and faulty perceptions cause suffering. Attachments cause suffering. Facing reality is not always so easy.

In Korea there is a proverb that translates to approximately; "Garbage people become monks, garbage monks become Zen monks, garbage Zen monks become Buddha..."

This means that fundamentally, those human beings who have a mystical or monastic calling are most often dissatisfied with society as they see it, perceive it, or experience it... and wish to follow a path that will allow them to perceive truth, or reality, or what some would term the divine, or god, or GOD or what have you....

This dissatisfaction most often results in these people being perceived as being somehow odd, different, strange, or separate from 'the rest of us' in some way by most people with whom they come into contact.

Initially, the monastic experience then separates these individuals even further from society... in some cases this is permanent... so, taking the robe and the bowl is, in effect, entering the coffin... dying to the world... and extinguishing the notion of a separate self. In many cases, at least among Zen Monastics, this period of separation comes to an end, and the Zen Monk is expected to return to society and to engage the world... sometimes as a Priest or monk, sometimes as a 'civilian' who is not recognizable in any outward way as a monk... or as a former monk... (though recognizably different to those who perhaps come to know these individuals...)

It is not the function of a monk to prop up or to support whatever perception, notion, belief, illusion, or what have you that somebody may hold... it is the function of a monk to hold up a mirror to that person, and to help them to experience reality through their own experience.... and, at times, this experience may not be the most pleasant experience.... life is difficult, life is confusing, and life throws us curves... it cannot be 'solved', there isn't an 'answer' and monks don't always behave in a set pattern. So... to those of you who feel that I should meet or approximate whatever belief you may hold regarding my vocation, I suppose I have to say this; Insomuch as I adhere to the precepts of my order, the direction of my teacher, and my own personal judgment of what is true function in any given circumstance or situation... that is *precisely* how a monk acts!! If you were expecting something else, the problem may very well be with your expectation.

In those cases where the problem is with my behavior, I offer this; If I were already perfect, I would not feel any need to submit myself or to devote myself to the harsh discipline of a monastic lifestyle. I am a simple monk struggling to learn what I can and deepen my practice.... not a saint, not a god, and certainly not enlightened in any way, shape or form.

I don't have the answers... I don't even have the questions!!

So... to my mom, when you cannot get in touch with me when you would like, it probably doesn't have anything whatsoever to do with my monastic practice, unless I happen to be engaged specifically in that practice when you are trying to contact me, in which case I am a very good monk indeed.... but more with the fact that life happens... and it unfolds to each of us in whatever fashion it happens to take.... and we have to respond to that... so, unfortunately, I am not always available to answer the telephone, or to pick one up to call.... this is not indicative of disrespect or a lack of love on my part... it just means that time is a finite resource, and that perhaps I am not so great at managing it.

For those who ask me 'Monk Questions' and then get pissed off at me when I don't give the answer you wanted... all I can do is respond in the best way I am able.

Q: "Why am I here?"

A: "On Long Island?? I thought you lived here?"

Q: "NO!! Why am I alive... on earth!!?? Does life have a purpose?? Why am I HERE??!"

A: Well... to this sort of question, all I can really do by way of response, is to ask a question of my own; "Are you REALLY here??".

It sounds as though I am being a wise ass... but I am not. If you are here... REALLY here... in the present moment... which is the only moment that is ever available to you.... this is not a question that bears answering. Go drink some tea! Wash your cup! Look at the clouds in the sky!

As to the other big question, "What happens when I die?" -- well, that is a question that will answer itself in time... but my question is, "What happens RIGHT NOW while you are alive??"

No ideology has the answers, folks... life is a process that we take with each breath.... I am not the same person at this moment that I was when I began to write this sentence... but, nothing has been lost.... I don't exist... but here I am!! My experience is not your experience... I cannot give anyone answers to these questions...

If you were to come to me and ask me to serve you tea, but you had no cup... I couldn't serve you tea by pouring it directly into your open mouth, or into your hands... the tea would scald you and it would ruin the floor mats or the carpet...

You would need a cup before I could serve you.... and in any case, I couldn't tell you how the tea tastes... you would have to have a cup, and then you would have to drink your tea!!

In the same way, I cannot give answers to questions.... I can only help you to find a cup... and then I can serve you some tea...


... You have to drink it yourself.


Now I have to go to sleep... tommorrow starts a new week.... and there will be a lot of tea to drink!!

Go get yourself a cup!