Just for the Record...

For those of you who frequent bars, go to weddings, engagement parties, bar/bat mitzvahs, holiday parties, anniversary parties, or who may otherwise come into contact with bartenders... specifically me - I just want to set a few things straight;

• There is no such wine as "Zinfendale" - just so you know... the name is ZinfenDEL.. as in HELL, which is where I am when I keep hearing this name mispronounced..


• When you hold a wad of money in your hand, get your drink order, and depart without leaving any tip at all, I would just like you to know that you haven't actually fooled me into giving you any better service... Everybody gets the best service that I can possibly offer... however, I do generally think that you are an asshole...


• If you aren't going to leave a tip, have the moral courage to simply not leave a tip, and leave it at that... Please don't give me lame excuses, tell me that you left it with the other guy or some other nonsense... there is no other guy... and I don't really care what your reasons are... either you have the money or you don't, and either you want to leave a tip, or you don't... case closed. It just seems tacky to discuss it... I work for tips. If you don't want to leave one, don't. I probably won't starve.


• Grooms... when you dance with your mother, please, PLEASE, PLEASE... Don't be grinding your genitals together, groping one another's asses, and sucking on each other's necks... it really freaks me out. Thanx.


• I don't know; whether the juniper berries were harvested in May or September/how many flurocarbons were released in the manufacture of the glass bottle/if the water is from an underground spring/what type of potatoes the vodka is made out of... I pour the stuff... I don't make it... I know what just about all of the various liquors/wines/cognacs/liquers are made of, approximately what they taste like, and how to make drinks with them... that's all. Really. Go away. (For the record, I have actually been asked these questions, and many other questions that are along the same lines... and have not received a SINGLE tip from any of the people who ask such questions. So. From my point of view, once you start asking this shit, I just wish you would go away.


• A screwdriver and vodka and orange juice are the same thing. I promise.


• I have no idea what you drank in Aruba last fall, even though it was green.


• I don't want your phone number. I will never, ever call you. I will never meet with you. I will certainly never have sex with you. And, honestly, I don't really want to even talk to you. The guy you came with should be able to help you out in that department, though... so keep a stiff upper lip!


• Most of you should never, ever, ever dance. But I suppose you already know that.


• Yes. I really DO need to see your ID, and NO, I'm not kidding. I don't care what your mommy or daddy say, I don't care if you are in the bridal party, and I don't care if I get fired over it... no ID, no alcohol. May I offer you a nice glass of milk, perhaps??