Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Strange Music

Tonight we celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Three happily married years! We have been together as a couple twice as long as that, and we have been friends for over sixteen years!!

Although our night out to see 'Phantom of the Opera' was more or less our anniversary celebration, we couldn't go through the actual Day without doing something!! (Now.. I know what you're thinking... but, I'm out of commission right now, Doc's orders... Rats!!)

So.. we decided to go out to dinner to a nice romantic little place.... Elysia got a recommendation from a co-worker, so we chose this place:



Which, is a few towns away (which translates to a ten to fifteen minute drive..)

It is cozy, romantic, and beautiful! The staff is great, and the food was out of this world!

As we were setting to at our appetizer, one of the adjacent tables was just preparing to leave. The last person at the table to stand up, a woman, apparently decided to leave an appetizer for us of her very own making; As she was scooting around the table to make her way out into the aisle, she let go with a loud, thunderous fart!! In public, unapologetically, and no more than four feet away from us!!



I was so shocked by this, for some reason, that I quite inadvertently snapped my head around and gaped at her!!

Elysia had the poise to pretend that she didn't notice at all.. which I found to be scandalous, and would have none of whatsoever! Being the helpful fellow that I am, I gleefully brought her up to date on the news by whispering (I call it a whisper.. she maintains that I am incapable of whispering) to her that the lady in question had just 'baked a huge fart!'. I didn't want her to miss out on any of the fun, you see...

There is some degree of incongruity in a lady farting in a posh bistro that I find incredibly amusing. I wanted to show my solidarity with her by standing up and letting one go.. but It was my sense that the other patrons would not have shared the spirit of the moment with me. (Well, they would have absolutely shared in the spirit of the moment, but that's not precisely what I meant...)

This brings to mind other instances where ill-timed farts brought either great embarassment or a gale of laughter...

I was out at the mall one day, years ago, and for some reason I suddenly had an urge to let loose with what I just knew was going to be loud, obnoxious, and room-silencing fart. But. I was in about the most public place that one can be in!! What's worse, no matter what seculded spot I tried to slink away into, some friggin' imbecile would manage to follow me and hang around.. it was hopeless!! The bathrooms were all occupado.. single person bathrooms, no less, where one couldn't just wander in, let one fly, and flee. I was starting to get panicky, (one hiccup, one sneeze, one trip on a crack in the floor, and it was all over.. but hopefully (hopefully, not all over me!! Yeek!) I could manage to find someplace where I could sneak off to and just bloody well have done with it before I died!!

Finally, I managed to find an empty corner where the men's suit department was located. I didn't see a soul around. I backed almost all the way into the farthest corner of the store and boy did I honk out a huge one!! Just then, immediately on the other side of the rack I was standing next to an older woman... an older, prudish, proper, severe, puritannical old biddy who had been stooped over doing some sort of work back there stood straight up with the most abject look of horror and disgust on her face that I have ever had the privilege (privilege??) to set my eyes upon. What's even more endearing, is that it was directed at me!! And that was before the Huba-stank whomped her in the old snot-locker, at which time she simply looked about ready to pass out. I was absolutely mortified. I could have just died!! I felt like the most ill-bred, uncouth, crass, dotish buffoon on the face of the earth. So I ran. Like hell!! And I never, ever, ever went back there. They have since gone out of business, but I don't think that much of that can be attributed to the fart... though I can't honestly rule it out.

I was working as a store detective in a retail clothing store for awhile. This particular location had been getting hit regularly by groups of shoplifters, and the store was very serious about apprehending and making examples of the culprits. Due to my years of law enforcement experience, they felt that I would be a good choice insofar as I was very well acquainted with the laws of the state, and was able to build a strong case against anyone that I observed stealing merchandise from the store. So far, so good.

My main method for catching these folks was to remain perfectly still and quietly watch, usually from a remote section of the sales floor from where I could see a great deal of what was going on. My usual way of going about this was to stand on one end of an 'H-track', which is basically a clothing rack with two long parallel bars upon which the clothing hangs, and lean over it with my elbows on the cross-bar. This brought my head down to the level of the cross bars and made me much less obvious to anyone who casually looked in my direction. I never knew exactly how well this worked until one day, as I was at my 'perch' and watching the shoppers, a woman slowly made her way around the department, browsing the racks, and ever so slowyly making her way to where I was standing. She actually began to browse the very rack that I was leaning on, and I just assumed that she had seen me. She didn't acknowledge me in any way, and I remained stock-still, on the watch for thieves.. which is what I was supposed to be doing... as she was browsing the rack, she suddenly let out a little squeak. This caused my eyebrows to raise a bit, and in my head I said, "Wow! That lady just completely cut a fart, not two feet away from me!", but outwardly, I made no sign at all. I was a little taken aback by it, but, let's face it, people fart, and sometimes they sneak out with little or no warning... so, no sense making a big deal out of it and embarassing folks. So I ignored it. Not ten seconds later, she blasted one out that burned the hair off my arms and made my eyes water.. I was completely and utterly shocked! I could not believe that this woman had just blatantly knocked one off basically in my face!! But, chivalry not being dead, I made no mention, nor did I make any sign that I had noticed. She was not yet finished however... she began humming to herself, and pushing out the little fart-bubbles at the end in time with the tune that she was singing to herself... now this was a bit much!! Just about that time, she held up a shirt that she apparently considered to be a particularly lucky find. I, on the other hand, had lost the battle with my self-discipline, and had just begun to turn my head to get a good look at this cretin of a woman who had just irradiated me against my will. As I moved my head, this caught her eye, I now realize, for the very first time!! Our eyes met, she did the math (rather quickly, I'll add!), and she did three things simultaneously; she gasped, (eyes wide, hand to mouth), she dropped the shirt, and lastly, she ran. Like hell. And she never, ever, came back! There was some sort of cosmic balance in that whole thing, I rather feel...

Another time, while stationed in Korea, it was the custom of all of the local martial arts dojangs (gyms) to get together to train and then have dinner together on the third Tuesday of the month. One or the other of the groups would lead a communal work-out, we would do our best to kill one another, and then we would get showered up and head out to a restaurant for dinner and laughs.

On this particular night, we had reserved a room at the NCO Club on base. We headed over after the workout, and at some point the manager came over to us, looking harried and worried, and asked if we would mind if he put a couple at one of the tables in our room. Apparently he had overbooked his reservations, and had run out of space. "No problem! Bring 'em on in!" we said, and he brought in a married service couple and sat them at a small table in the corner. We continued on with our dinner, and during the course of the meal, we told stories or recounted situations that caused us all to lapse into hysterical laughter.

At one point, the husband, who was a bit of a wet blanket, apparently, decided that we were making entirely too much noise in the room that we had reserved for just this occassion so that we could do just what we were doing, by the way... and stood up, approached the table that I was sitting at, and demanded (not asked, demanded! that we keep the noise down)(you have got to be fucking kidding us, right??) We didn't want to make an issue out of it, and basically told him that 'sure, we'll keep it down.. sorry for the bother...etc., etc., and went on with dinner. Knucklehead wasn't happy with the way we sort of blew him off, and began to give us the hairy-eyeball, which started to become a source of amusement to some of the guys there. At one point, somebody, I'm not sure who... (honestly... I really have no idea...) blasted a loud, splapping fart, followed by group hysterics. This was obviously directed at hubby, and it thouroughly pissed him off. Bad timing, and bad situation on his part, unfortunately... to make matters worse, his wife had to stifle a giggle, which went right up his ass! He stood up, walked back over to our table, and stood at my elbow. (Why does it always have to be me??!).

"Excuse me!", he snapped. I ignored him completely and went on with my conversation.
"Excuse me, I said!" he repeated. And, I continued to blow him off. I didn't want to be involved. This wasn't going anywhere that I liked, and I wanted him to go away, and enjoy his dinner with his wife. I knew this guy wanted to pick a fight to impress his wife, and I was fairly certain that this plan would backfire in his face if it went where he was trying to take it, and I didn't think that that was cool, but I didn't have the presence of mind to be able to smooth it out, and I knew it.
He poked me. Actually put his hands on me and poked me, the fuck!
"I'm talking to YOU!! ... Okay.. this was too much. I had enough.
"What's up, Boss?? Is there a problem??"
"Yes. YOU farted in front of my wife!" - this he punctuated by poking me in the chest with his bony little finger. This guy was not only a turd. He was friggin' stupid!!
"Did I??" I enquired.
"Yes. You did!"
"Well... I'm very, very sorry! I apologize. I didn't realize that it was her turn to fart!" I quipped. Deliberately putting him in a position to either hit me and have done with it, or to go sit down and quit acting like a dick.
His wife busted out laughing. Everyone else busted out laughing. Forty six to fifty black belts stood up with business faces on, just in case he was thinking of acting foolish, and he finally realized that he was not really acting in his own best interests and went and sat down.

To let them know that there were no hard feelings, we bought them a round of cocktails, chipped in for their dinner, and one of the guys ran out and picked up a pair of tickets for them at the base movie theatre.

Eventually, he softened up and we got a good laugh out of him, so it all worked out well in the end.

To this day I don't know who cut that fart! Nobody would ever admit to it.....



Thanx, Flatman!

19 comments:

Shirley said...

Thanks so much for sharing that with us today. So glad I stopped by.

Bear said...

Hi Shirley,

I can't tell from your comment whether you got a laugh out of the post, or whether you were offended by it...

In the first case, I am glad you enjoyed it, and in the second case, it wasn't my intention to offend, I tend to have an offbeat sense of humor...

In either case, thank you for taking the time to leave your thoughts and comments...

Take Care,

Bear

Anonymous said...

"Forty six to fifty black belts stood up with business faces on, just in case he was thinking of acting foolish, and he finally realized that he was not really acting in his own best interests and went and sat down."

i love this quote

Anonymous said...

A funny entry - it made me laugh. Who hasn't needed to do the dastardly deed in public at one time or another?

Bear said...

Anonymous, (Gosh.. that sounds so... well, 'Anonymous!')

The black belts in question were basically all, well, to put it frankly... rough looking. Which, honestly, stands to reason, because they were all pretty much rough!

This guy was sort of geeky and dweeby, which is in no means meant as a slight or an insult, I am trying to convey that in the best of circumstances, he wasn't inclined to be much of a fighter;

(my estimation... I could be wrong... I don't think that I am, however... if it looks like a fish, and it smells like a fish, it may or may not actually be a fish... but its my guess that if you put it in water, it'll swim like hell!!).

The reality was that he was slightly built (i.e., 130 pounds bone dry and stark naked with his hands and mouth full of change...of course, this in itself doesn't mean much, I have known many folks of similar build who were absolute roughnecks, but this guy was different.. he didn't have 'the look' or whatever that quality is that sets the others apart as natural fighters, or whatever it is that lets you know they shouldn't be taken lightly. He didn't present the fiercest aspect I have ever set my eyes upon....). Understand, please, that nobody wanted to mistreat this guy, disrespect him in any way, or even treat him with discourtesy. He was following his own agenda, completely, and inflicting this whole act upon us. And he was shutting off every avenue that we had to wriggle out of the situation gracefully.

He knew however that the UCMJ (Uniformed Code of Military Justice) would protect him, that we were on-base in a military facility, and he wanted to be fierce.. or at least appear fierce, I suppose because his wife was there, which was understandable... (what was not was that nothing had actually occurred that would warrant this reaction from him.. but, in Irish we have a proverb that addresses this:

"Is Teann Gach Madra Gearr,
I nDoras a Thi Fein!"

*Pronounced:
Iss Tyown GaCh'(ch as in Ba*CH*) Mahdruh Gyarr,
EE Norus ah he fane (or 'hane')

'Every terrier (literally 'dog') is ferocious in his own doorway!'

He was acting like a bad-ass because he was pretty sure that under the circumstances he could get away with it, and there was nothing that anyone could do about it but to swallow his crap....

He was fairly certain that he could act however he liked, within reason, with impunity - because of where we were.

When everyone in the place stood up, looking like a pack of killers, essentially, a few things (apparently) occurred to him simultaneously;

a. we were all together.
b. any one of us could likely kick a mud-puddle up his ass and stomp it dry for him.
c. there happened to be a large number of non-military types among the group.

and

d. getting his ass kicked in front of his wife would most likely not impress her as much as he would like.

he decided to leave off the tough-guy act and just have a good time. Which is all anybody wanted to begin with.

Our man turned out to be somewhat astute in the end, all things considered.

He also turned out to be a good lad, if somewhat insecure. I sort of understand where he was coming from, though I have some questions about his perceptions, and his plan to address them... strange kid.

Oh, well...

We did the best we could under the circumstances.

Thanks for taking the time to leave your comments!!

Take Care,


Bear

Bear said...

Kristinek,

If I'm making you laugh, then I'm doing something right, I think!

As far as who hasn't done the deed?? I know I certainly cannot claim that distinction... :-/

Thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts... I very much appreciate it!

Stop by again soon, okay??

Take Care,

Bear

:) said...

Hilarious post!

In fact, you get my "post of the week" award! (Don't ask what you have won...)

Bear said...

Flatman,

Thanx for the award! It beats being poked in the eye with a sharp stick or slapped across the belly with a wet sea-bass!!

(Secretly hoping that he won a cool T-Shirt, or Season Hockey tickets, he slinks away....)

D said...

Found your post through Flatman - HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!! I look like an idiot here sitting at my computer laughing my head off.......

Bear said...

DGC,

First off, thanx for stopping by to leave your comments!! I *love* comments!! (Especially good ones! The "You're a big A**hole, why don't you just go pound sand..." variety sort of suck....)

I'm really glad you got a good laugh out of my post! Laughter is a good thing.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm funny, but my wife says; "Looks aren't everything!"

Stop on by again... please mind the marmosets (Sneaky little buggers, marmosets!)

Take Care,

Bear

ida said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Dang, Bear, this is a powerful post! I tried to leave a comment and my internet application crashed! Fweh!

Thanks, as always, for your kind words. I've read them slowly, to wholly absorb your advice, and I appreciate it.

BPnut

Bear said...

BPnut

- [Smile] -

Get out there and run... take some flower seeds with you and scatter 'em around!

Have fun!

Anonymous said...

I'm curious what ever happened with the shoplifters.

TriZilla said...

Laughing? No, I'm crying. That was hysterical! What is it about farting that makes it so funny? Thanks for the great post. :)

Bear said...

Jeremy,

When I collared shoplifters, they were arrested. Every single time. No exceptions. This was the policy set by the company, and that meant internal theft as well as customers.

After a few months, word got out, and the shoplifting dropped way down.

I set up some new SOP's (standard operating procedures) at that place, which were adopted throughout the company, from what I understand, and that helped quite a bit, as well.

From what I understand, they are still keeping a fairly decent control on the shoplifting losses.

Thank you for the comment, Jeremy. Please stop by again soon, okay??

Take Care,

Bear

Bear said...

Hi Jen!

Welcome!

Farts are the original form of humor, I think... Who doesn't think a fart is funny, in some way, shape or form??

(We don't count sourpuss high-falootin' sticks-in-the-mud.. they can go pound sand...)

For whatever reason, though... they *are* funny.... unless it happens to be you who is farting, and it isn't the right time, or place!! (Ain't too funny then... at least not to you, eh?!!)

I broke the ice with my wife's mother, who happens to know a great deal about plants by indicating a pine tree in our yard, and asking her if she knew what type of tree it was. Note that Mom is very much a lady, and very proper and polite. This point is very important to the story...

Mom: "Why.. its a white pine."

Bear: "Nope! Wrong answer!"

Mom: Brows knit, scrutinizing the tree a little more closely... "That is CLEARLY a white pine tree."

Bear: "ACTUALLY, it is not! Wrong again!"

Mom: "It *Isn't*??"

Bear: "Nope. Not a bit of it."

Mom: "I....see...." (she didn't.. not really... but she shortly would...!)

Bear: "Would you like me to tell you what type of tree this is??"

Mom: "Um... Yes!"

Bear: Reaching up and gently grasping a pine cone.. "This, is a Patchogue Barking Pine!...VERY rare!" (Gleeful triumphant face on Bear)

Mom: "A Patch.. A **WHAT**?!!"

Bear: "A Patchogue Barking Pine!"

Mom: "REALLY?!!"

Bear: (The image of smug superiority.. arms now folded arrogantly across chest...) "Yup!"

Mom: (Puzzled...) "Why do they call it that??"

Bear: "Squeeze one of the pine cones.. its amazing!"

Mom: (Brows now furrowed with curiosity..) (Reaches up and gently squeezes a pine cone...)

Bear: [BAKES LOUD SPLAPPING, HONKING, HIDEOUSLY LOUD FART] "BRRRRAPPP!!" (dismissive hand gesture towards tree...) "Voila! The Patchogue Barking Pine!" Eyebrows raised defiantly, awaiting her response...

(Elysia at this point began to search for a safe exit point...)

Mom: (in utter disbelief and shock for a few moments... then... howling, eye tearing, belly shaking laughter!!!)

Bear got a hug...

... in exchage for a fart, and a bullshit story...

..Good Trade!!


Take Care,

Bear

Anonymous said...

Wow, good work. And thanks for the follow-up.

Bear said...

Jeremy,

Thanx! ... and, you're welcome!


Take Care,


Bear