Birds Don't Know (or Care) that We have Names for Them...

FatCat: “You aren’t the same anymore..”
Bear: “I’m not? How so?”
FatCat: “I’m not sure… you’ve changed, you’ve gotten quieter since you became a monk. I’m not sure if its good or bad yet.”
Bear: “You think I’ve gotten quieter? (I bet Elysia would get a laugh outta hearing that! Ha!)”
Co-Worker #2: “You have changed. Its creepy, in a not so bad kinda way.. what did they do to you? Do they beat you or something?”
Bear: (Smiling) “No, nobody beats me. I’m not sure what you are seeing, but, if I’m different, I guess it shouldn’t be all that surprising. The whole point of any religious path is to cause some type of inner transformation, I would suppose.. If this is taking place, I guess you can’t help but see it at some point. Honestly, I don’t really know.. I’ve never been through this before.”
Co-Worker #2: “See! Creepy! You’ve gone all, like… calm and nice and whatever. You don’t seem like you anymore.”
FatCat: “You’re different.”
Bear: “Well, hopefully, I will change for the better if I change at all…”
FatCat: “I’ll let you know. I’m not sure yet.”
Bear: “Um.. Okay. What would make the difference, if you don’t mind my asking?”
FatCat: “If I get blown off and stuff, then its for the worst.”
Bear: “I won’t blow you off. Don’t worry.”
FatCat: “You don’t fool around anymore.”
Bear: “I guess I don’t.”
FatCat: “You don’t make fun of anybody… and then you make us feel all weird when we do. It sucks!”
Bear: “I never really made fun of anyone as far as I can remember.”
FatCat: “Well. Okay, fine. It still sucks anyway. You make everyone feel like… whatever!”
Bear: “Honestly, I don’t think I am making anybody feel anything. I think that if you are feeling anything… any of you… the feelings are coming from within you… not from me. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to take a look at those feelings. Maybe you are having them for a reason…I don’t know. That’s something that you’ll have to learn on your own. If I am doing anything, or if I have become something that leads you to look introspectively at yourself, It may be a good thing… or, to be more accurate; it may be a necessary thing. But, just so you know.. I’m not judging anybody, okay?”
FatCat: “Well, you seem all detached and everything…”
Bear: “I’m still me… if I am changing in any way, maybe it’s a change that is needed. Have you thought about that?”
FatCat: “You really aren’t judging anybody?”
Bear: “Nope. I promise. I have no room to judge anybody. Its easy to find faults in other people. I have plenty of faults of my own that I wouldn’t exactly like everyone else to point out to me. That’s one of the reasons why I don’t make fun of other people. The biggest reason is that it isn’t nice, and most importantly that even the least of us was still created by god, or whatever you conceive of god as being… and therefore, are precisely what they are supposed to be. I don’t judge, Bro. It isn’t my place.”
FatCat: “That’s cool.”
Co-Worker #2: “So, what do we call you now?”
Bear: “What?”
FatCat: “Yeah. What’re we supposed to call you now?”
Bear: “Call me whatever you like. It makes no difference. Call me ‘Bear’.”
FatCat: “Whattya mean, ‘It makes no difference’?”
Bear: “Well… … …See those birds?”
Both: “Yeah… ..?”
Bear: “Do you know what they are called?”
Co-Worker #2: “Starlings?”
Bear: “Has it ever occurred to you that the birds don’t know that we have names for them?”
FatCat: “… … …?”
Co-Worker #2: “Ah… … … “
Bear: “It doesn’t make them any less of what they are, though, does it? They’re just what they are. You may look at them and notice things about them that make you think that they have changed, when they have actually always been just as they are. It is you that have changed… or at least your perception has changed. You can call me whatever makes you comfortable, guys… Maybe you’ll want to wait till I am all done changing, that way you only have to make up your mind the one time, ay?”
Both: [Smiles and nods!] “Ya know, you’re pretty good at being a monk!”
Bear: “Thanks..”

This is an example of a conversational thread that I have been having repeatedly with various individuals or groups of individuals over the past few days. It seems that people find it off-putting, strange, or disturbing when someone in their midst (seemingly) suddenly embarks upon what appears to be a different path than that which they were perceived to be on to begin with. I can say that the path that I am now following is simply only a leg of the path I have have been following all along. It is only a new phase of a very old journey. I don’t know whether I am changing, or whether I am simply beginning to discard the portions of me that I am discovering that I no longer need. Honestly, I don’t really know much of anything, it would seem. I know that I have learned to appreciate.. no… to crave silence of late. It is only in silence that I can really truly feel the divine presence within me… without me… beyond me… in the space between an exhale and the next inhale, that space between, I catch small glimpses… glimmers… hints..

It is my thought that if I have changed in any perceptible way, it is in the simple fact that instead of talking, or thinking of what I want to say.. or thinking at all, for that matter… I find that I am simply listening… and waiting… in silence.

I imagine that this must be somewhat disturbing to people who know me, as I am generally running my mouth, joking and fooling around, and generally breaking chops. I don’t feel an urge to do any of this lately. It isn’t a conscious effort to quit doing it, or to be any different than I have ever been… but, if this process is causing me to change… well, I suppose that change is necessary.

It doesn’t mean that I love anyone any less… or that I think any better of myself or any less of others. If anything, this calm abiding frame of mind allows my spirit to expand to fill the spaces that have been, up to now, filled with nonsensical chatter, and incessant (and sometimes meaningless) conversation. A definite change that I have noticed is that I feel a great deal more compassion for others.. for everyone and everything… than I have in the past. I think that I do not discriminate between things as much as I had… my thinking has become somewhat less … dual, by which I mean that I don’t feel a compulsion to decide between this, and that… or better or worse…. I don’t know precisely how this has come about, but I do notice it. I would imagine that this probably makes me appear somewhat detached, but this detachment in no way signifies a lessening of my love or regard for anyone or anything. I just wanted to be clear about that.

I don’t know where this path will ultimately take me… but I know that I feel more grounded, more settled, and somehow more real than I have ever felt before.

To all of those folks who are looking at me now and worrying that I have changed, I would simply say that what you are seeing now is the most honest version of me that has ever existed. I would guess that as I let go of whatever other vestiges of my false self remain, you may see more of what you regard as ‘change’. But know that this isn’t change, it is simply me unveiling my true self to you.

I don’t think that this is a reason for anyone to be disturbed. If I seem a little quieter, it isn’t because I am keeping you at a distance… it is simply that I am comfortable simply being with you.

I would think that anyone on a path upon which they seek to ultimately be ordained as a member of the clergy… any clergy… would undergo some significant transformation.

My worry is that I won’t learn enough to be worthy of the path that I have taken.

What are you worried about? I'm still here... all of me! I'm just focusing on the parts that seem to be the most important to me right now...