Customer Service 101

"RI-I-I-I-N-N-G!!"

BEAR: "Hello, 'Unspecified Building Supplies, this is Bear speaking, how may I help you?"

CALLER: "Can I speak with The Nose, Please?"

BEAR: "I'm sorry, he isn't in yet... may I take a message?"

CALLER: "he isn't in yet?" [I can hear a smile through the phone]
"Where is he?"

BEAR: "He is still under the covers, with a hard-on, spittin' all over himself! He'll come rolling in here, around ten o'clock, with toothpaste all over his mouth, his eyes all fucked up, and water that he poured on his 'sticky-up' hair during the drive to work!"

CALLER: ".. .. .. Should I call back later?" [Now he sounded sort of...worried! Hmm.. what's that about?]

BEAR: "Nah! Let me take a message, and I'll have him call you when he get's in, no sweat!"

CALLER: "Oh. Okay. Just tell him Revin Claiborne called."

BEAR: ".. .. I'm sorry.. that name went by a bit too fast. I have to write it down. What was that first name again?"

CALLER: "Revin".

[Revin? Sounds like 'Raven' with an 'i'... or like, revvin an engine! COOL name!]

BEAR: "Your first name is 'Revin', do you spell it 'R-E-V-I-N' ?"

CALLER: ".. .. .. I guess you could spell it like that..."

BEAR: "And the last name is Claiborne?? Is that 'C-L-A-I' or 'C-L-A-Y'?"

CALLER: "I"

BEAR: "Is there an 'E' at the end?"

CALLER: "Yes"

BEAR: "'Revin' is a very cool name? What kind of a name is that? Do you know what it means??"

CALLER: "Yeah. I do. It means Revin. Minister. Pastor. Priest. Clergy."

[FUCK!FUCK!SHIT!BOLLOCKS!FUCK!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!]

BEAR: "...uh.... I... ahhhhh.... I see... Um.... Look, I'm really sorry. I completely misheard what you said.... I'm really sorry.."

CALLER: "No problem"

[WHY.. (knock head on counter).. DO.. (knock head on counter).. I.. (knock head on counter)..ALWAYS.. (knock head on counter).. HAVE.. (knock head on counter).. TO.. (knock head on counter).. BE.. (knock head on counter).. SUCH.. (knock head on counter).. A.. (knock head on counter).. DICK!!!]

BEAR: "I'll, um... make sure he get's the message."

CALLER: CLICK.

I looked up to see the Owner's brother (For Blog purposes, I will hereafter call him, "Two") standing in front of me... smiling and nodding..

TWO: "Nice one, Bear! Classic!"

And with that, he walked away, leaving me to continue alone through the gauntlet of humiliation...


[SIGH]

Oh man...