Outed!

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.. We have been outed! A close friend stumbled across Marcheline's profile somewhere, and linked to her blog from there... and from her blog, to mine. This isn't anywhere near the same thing as being 'Dooced', but, 'outed' it is! Marcheline, who is Elysia, was extremely upset about it... I was knocked off my keel a bit, but, honestly, I sort of figured that this was one of the risks that one takes when putting something 'out there' where anybody find it... I just didn't actually think that it would ever really happen...

Somebody else found my blog previously, but it didn't strike me quite the same way. I'm not exactly sure why I make this distinction in my mind, though, as both are friends and personally known to me. It would seem that if one would make me feel uncomfortable, then they both would.. but, that's not how it worked out for some odd reason.

In this recent instance, the individual involved is actually more like family, though. In fact, he is, for all intents and purposes, family.

This may be why it feels sort of weird, I guess...

It is my guess that how this affects one depends entirely on how you define your own blog, and in what function your blog serves in your life.

To my wife, the blog is mostly (this is only my take... I can only speak of what I see and what I perceive... we haven't really discussed this at length... usual disclaimer applies...) a place where she can let down her hair, express thoughts and feelings that she may or may not feel comfortable expressing in front of folks that she knows personally, or where she can comment or rant or ruminate over any and every topic that may breeze into her mind... so, the act of having been discovered, outed, what-have-you has a great deal of significance for her, because, the blog serves as a sort of diary/personal journal/sounding board. Consequently, the thought of somebody reading it (who knows her in person) without her express permission, is extremely upsetting to her, and thus, by extension, to me.

I live with her, have lived with her for years, and share her most intimate thoughts, and that notwithstanding, did not read her blog until she invited me to do so... I am making this clear just to illustrate the degree to which her blog is private insofar as it relates to people who know her on a personal basis.



When I initially started out with this blog, It was decidedly not something that I would have wanted people who know me personally to read, or to know of, or to even be aware of. This explains why I have never brought the blog up as a topic of discussion to anyone who knows me other than my wife. It was sort of my own private place, where I could air my thoughts, and where I could write whatever I so desired without any thought to how it would affect those who are close to me, or how they may view me.

While I still would prefer that I had retained complete and total anonymity, it is quite evident that this is no longer possible, so I must decide what to do from this point onwards. A number of possible scenarios have been playing through my mind, such as ending the blog, shutting it down, deleting the posts, and having done with it; but, I enjoy the process of blogging, I enjoy my blog, and I enjoy the way that I perceive things through my 'writer's' eye..... I thought of simply starting a new blog, but, this one has sort of developed a life of its own, and it would seem odd to me to just abandon it over this. I thought of censoring what I had written, removing anything that would be embarassing to me, or to anyone else, and filtering my writing style and subject matter. But, to emasculate my writing would invalidate the entire point of a blog. So. I have decided to do none of these things. What I am going to do is simply continue on, and to let those of you who may know me that what you read here is not generally intended for the consumption of those persons who know me personally. It is my own private space, and what I write is basically for my own purposes, with the added benefit of providing some small entertainment level or food for thought, perhaps, to those persons who have never met me, and who are not likely to ever meet me outside of this forum. At least not cognizantly.

This may sound similar to the function that my wife's blog serves, to her (or, more accurately, it may sound similar to how I have described my perception of what function my wife's blog serves for her). It is similar to some respect, but not exactly the same thing. To me, the blog serves a slightly different function. It is in part a sounding board for my thoughts and feelings... in part a showcase of thoughts - where I can gather my memories, my thoughts, my opinions, what have you... and present them in a slightly polished fashion... This serves as a way of condensing my thoughts, and helps me to articulate them, and, subsequently, by posting them and then reading them over, I then have a visual impression that is in some cases, even clearer than the actual memory.. this sounds strange, but, there it is. I'm strange, what can I tell you?

My blog is also, for me, a place where I can work out problems.

By being forced to articulate my thoughts to the degree that I can put them down on paper (on electrons?) I am forced to think clearly and concisely... I am forced to organize my thoughts, and to be able to present them in a (marginally) logical fashion. This helps me to work through things that may otherwise be muddled in my head...

It is a journal or diary of sorts, and it is a vehicle that I use as a repository for private thoughts and feelings at times... so, as far as that is concerned, I do feel somewhat intruded upon, or uncomfortable, or weird. That being said, I must also point out that if you are going to put your shit on the internet, you can't be freaked out that other people (some of whom may know you!) may come across it. That's the way it works, and you can't run with the big dogs if you can't pee in the tall grass!

So. While I would have preferred to have had this blog remain private, naturally... I also feel that one must roll with the punches, and adapt to the situation on the fly. You work with the hand that you are dealt, and move on. In the event that anyone may be harboring such thoughts as, "What is so secret that you have to keep it from your friends and family?", I reply, "You do it every day.. in one fashion or another... as does every other human being. These are my thoughts that have been given form in the shape of letters, words, phrases, sentences, and paragraphs. If I had wanted to share them with someone that I know personally, I would have done so in my own time, or not... as is my right."

It would appear that at least two people who I know personally have read or are reading my blog. One part of me feels slightly weird about it, and one part of me says, "Fuck it!". I am basically a very direct person, and I say more or less whatever happens to come to my mind. I am not ashamed by my feelings, my thoughts, my weaknesses, my sexuality, or, honestly, in very much else. So. If you want to read my blog, knock yourself out! That's what I write it for. As it turns out, there isn't anything in this blog that is particularly controversial, or overly private, save for discussions of intimate thoughts or times with my wife. I find that I feel mostly protective of the potentiality that this blog afforded me in the event that such a situation should ever arise that I should want a forum in which I could share my thoughts, and perhaps ask for feedback from people who are, outside of this medium, strangers to me.. though some of them are undoubtedly friends to me now... I still am not likely to sit across from a table with any of them.. and it is this distance that makes such open communication possible between us.

That having been said, I must also say this; I use this blog as a place for me to puke out my thoughts, sort through them, play with them, tease them out, and put them into some semblance of order. Many of those thoughts are rough-edged, raw, undeveloped, and outright blatant! My first thought upon having been outted was that I wouldn't be able to write with complete honesty and integrity any longer, because somebody might read what I write! (the inference here being that the 'somebody' is a somebody who knows me personally).

Then, after letting it turn over in my mind, I decided that that was not a valid thought. In fact, I will continue to write here, just as I always have. I will write my thoughts as they come, and I will sort them out and put them down here. Some of those thoughts may entertain, others may provoke, still others may shock you. I want this blog to remain what it is and to continue to serve the purpose for which I first began blogging.

I may say things that you agree with, and I may say things that offend you. By reading what I am writing here, you are sharing an intimacy with me that you otherwise would most likely never have shared. So. Be prepared to read or learn any class of thing at all about me, my thoughts, my preferences, my opinions, or my actions, activities, proclivities, or anything else regarding me. Some of these things may make you feel as though you have come to know me better, while others may paint me as a complete alien to you. Whichever way it goes, if I think it, and I want to express it, I will most likely do so here...

If you happen to step on my toes in real life, or otherwise piss me off, I may very well speak my mind here. You may not like what I say. If you happen to touch my heart, I may speak of it here, and it may be embarassing to you. So far this has never happened. I don't expect that it should.. but, this blog being what it is, I just want to cover that eventuality.

What I'm saying is that this blog is basically a written record of my most private thoughts and feelings. If you want to read them, and you think that you will be comfortable with that, then read away to your heart's content. However, if you tend to be judgemental, or overly sensitive, or if you do not like to read opinions and thoughts that you do not agree with... you may be better off finding some other form of entertainment.

I don't have anything nasty to say about either of the folks that I know have read my blog - I love them both. They are dear to me, and I think the world of them both. This post is not directed at any one individual, but to anyone who is reading this who knows me in person, or who thinks that they may know me. There may be others of you who know me, who I do not know are reading this blog. Much of what I am addressing doesn't apply in this particular case, but, I cannot say what the next day, week, month, or hour will bring, and who knows what I might be thinking at any given moment? Whatever it is, it just may end up being put down here, and if you get your panties in a knot over it, I ask that you remember that it was YOUR choice to come here and to read. I'm out of it. As far as I am concerned, if you are reading these words, you have given me consent to be as brutally honest, as outspoken, and as blunt, crass, or opinionated as I feel the desire to be.



The bottom line is that I am going to post here just as I always have. I don't plan on changing a word of what I write to save anybody's feelings, to avoid causing shit, or to cater to anyone's pre-existing judgment or opinion of me. This is my blog, and when I started writing, I started out by sharing some very, very difficult feelings and situations about myself. I will continue to do this as the need arises.

I personally would not continue to read anybody else's blog that I knew in person unless that person gave me a clear invitation to do so. You now have that invitation with the caveats listed above firmly attached. I write about anything and everything here, folks, and I'm not going to tone it down. This is my place for expressing whatever I so desire, and if I can't do that, I might as well simply shut it down.

I don't plan on doing that. I look forward to my blogging time as a time when I can live inside my own head without intrusion or interruption, as a time of solitude and inner reflection, and as a time that is outside of my normal day to day activities. It is my own world that I have constructed, essentially from scratch, and in so doing I have found that it works as a catharsis for me, for my heart, and for my mind. In short, you have stumbled across an outwardly expressed inner landscape of my private mind, and you must realize that while you may stay, you must be particularly aware that the presence here of someone so close to me is potentially distracting, potentially disturbing, and may result in a nasty backlash if approached the wrong way... for either or any of the persons involved.

I don't lie about anything here... not bullshit stories, not bravado or bragging, but, and most crucially in this instance; not face-saving white lies either.

I am not inferring that I have had, or that I currently have any bad thoughts or insulting things to say about you... I am just saying that if it should happen that I do, I may very well address it here. For the simple reason that this is a healthy (for me) vessel in which to express these types of feelings and thoughts. It often works out that by expressing thoughts in this fashion, I deflate them and take the urgency and the volatility out of them, and thereby render them harmless and redundant in real life. By judging or by taking to heart anything that I happen to write or say here, you are stealing from me a process by which I maintain my day to day equilibrium.

None of this has happened... I am simply laying some ground rules, as I see them, for this small little patch of unseen disc-space that the folks at Blogspot have been kind enough to loan out to me. Since they have seen fit to do this, I have claimed it as my own, and therefore feel that it is my right to set forth any rules that seem right to me. I am the guy with the user name/password combination.

When I sit down to blog, as I am doing at this very moment, I am generally completely alone, or alongside my wife, who shares such an intimate place in my life that in this respect, at least, it is much the same thing (meaning that I am able to gather my thoughts and feel the benefits of solitude even though she is right here... she is non-intrusive to me in most any case that I can conjure up in my mind...). I sit before the keyboard and I pour out whatever is or has been going on in my mind. Then I play with it, and sometimes I get a cohesive post out of it, and other times I get a series of random thoughts, and still other times, I get complete shit and it all goes in the bin.... but this is the exercise. I don't have anyone standing in front of me... either at this moment, or at any time in the conceivable future to whom I have to answer. I am free to put my thoughts out in any form that I so choose.

I value this freedom immensely.

So it appears that I have gone through this long winded diatribe to say what amounts to this;

If I should write something that pisses you off, hurts your feelings, irks you, miffs you, or otherwise rocks your boat, I don't expect to be called to task for it. I don't expect to be asked to explain myself. I don't expect you to act strangely towards me for it. Honestly, I can't think of any issue that would cause this to happen.. but, I feel that it is necessary to put this out here. So long as you are on this page, you are in Bear's world, and you are asked to leave your conceptions and pre-existing knowledge of me outside. I don't really want to discuss my blog outside of my blog. I ask that you do not discuss my blog with others or, for that matter, that you do not even divulge it's existence to others (for those of you who have not met me in person.. link away!). If other folks who I know personally should stumble across my blog on their own and I come to be aware of it, I will send them a link to this post at that time. Please do not direct people that know me to this page. If I had wanted them to know that it existed, I would have let them know. I don't view this page as a website for my personal circle of friends, family, co-workers, and acquaintences. It is my own personal space, and a place for those individuals that I have come to know through the blogging community that I know only by a pseudonym.

I don't intend to come off like a great big dick by saying what I have said here, but, I still feel that it is important enough to say, and to say honestly. As far as I am concerned, it isn't an issue that need be discussed any further, I don't think it has changed anything between myself and any other person on a personal level, nor should it.

This place is here, and the rest of the world is there. Period.

If there are any of you who have experienced a similar situation, being outted, discovered, what-have-you.. I would be interested in hearing about it, about how it affected you, and about how you ultimately dealt with it.

If any of you think that I am spot on in the way that I have presented my feelings, I would be interested in hearing your comments on the matter... and, naturally, if you think I mishandled it, and am acting like an asshole, I would like to hear that as well... as I said, this is the place for me to put my raw unpolished thoughts out there to share with whoever wants to share them...

Now I am challenged to continue writing with the full knowledge that people who know me fairly well, and in at least one case, well enough to be a brother, are reading what I write. I don't think it is all that different from what thousands of other writers have dealt with over the years. I'll just write. What I write will either work, or it won't. I don't tell anybody that they shouldn't read what I write here, and I don't tell anyone that they should. On this blog, its all about free will, free thoughts, free expression, and freedom of creativity.

So.. that's the situation, folks. I'm out of the closet, it would seem...




... Look out, look out, wherever you are!! Ready or not, here I come!