Hey! Today is My First Blognniversary!

Well. It has been one full turn of the wheel for Bear Tracks! Sort of hard to believe for me in two opposite ways at the same time; It is hard for me to believe that a year has gone by already, and at the same time, I can't quite get my brain around the fact that it has only been one measly year...

So much has changed in this past year, and so much has remained exactly the same. I can't decide which is more difficult to come to terms with, really.

I have made a bunch of friends amongst you, and I'm glad for that. In all honesty, this came a great surprise to me. I didn't honestly expect anyone to ever come wandering over to my silly little blog, tucked away as it is in this lonely little corner of the ("He's NOT going to say it!" -- "OH NO!! I think he IS!! AAARGGH!!") Blogosphere. But, slowly at first, and then with more and more regularity, you all started popping by and actually reading this stuff that I write. I am pleasantly surprised, sometimes baffled, but overall, I have come to love my blog, and the effect that it has had on my way of thinking, my way of viewing the world around me, and the way that it has helped me to organize and articulate my thoughts. I am constantly 'the observer' now, always looking at things with my full attentiveness. Whereas, in the past I would be alert and aware when it suited me and simply a passive observer when that suited me; I find that now I am always taking part in the world with the knowledge that at some point in the near future, I will be sitting in front of the keyboard, with a blank 'Create Post' screen in front of me, wondering just what it is that I would like to share today... This has nudged me into a much more.... emmm... present frame of mine. I engage my world, I think in a much more critical fashion, while simultaneously thinking in a far more poetic way than I ever have.. (at least to my conscious knowledge).

There have been other benefits, as well, to keeping this blog. Since I am so much more present and participatory in the world, rather than living in my own head, I have changed my way of looking at things to the extent that it has spurred me to expand my knowledge and to explore more spiritual avenues in my life. This can only be a good thing, I think. In more mundane areas of life, it has helped me to either avoid conflicts or to resolve them, because not only am I very observant, and thus better equipped to gather my thoughts and articulate them concisely and accurately, but I am also much more cognizant of the underlying threads of these conflicts, and therefore able to see how they connect to me, and elsewhere, and thereby follow them to the source of the conflict and resolve it from that point... often without the conflict ever manifesting itself in the apparent world.

(What the fuck is he talking about?!)

I look back to how I was feeling and how I was dealing with issues that were complicating my life this time last year, and compare that to how I deal with issues now, and can see a remarkable difference in my personality and in my character.

Of course, the question remains; Did the blog cause these changes?? Or was the blog simply an effect of the changes that were already taking place?? Well. Simply put, I have no idea. What I know is that it (this blog), and all of you folks, have been an immensely positive force in my life. I have met folks that I would never have otherwise met, and I am glad to have come to know each and every one of you, even in the small way that our paths have crossed. I have wondered what some of you are like, what your day might be like, whether we may have crossed paths in the real world without knowing it, and whether we would be driven to choke each other's necks if we ever actually met even though we get along in this medium. I have wondered why each of you started blogging in turn, and whether it was a similar experience to my own. My guess is that there are as many reasons as there are blogs.

In any case, this whole blogging thing is pretty cool. I look forward jealously to the times when I can sit my ass down, with nothing else pressing that simply has to be done, clear my mind, and begin to write. It is cathartic, relaxing, and a great deal of fun!

Lately, I haven't had a great deal of time to sit and write, and for that I apologize, though I hope you will understand that life sometimes asserts itself, and Bear has to respond accordingly. I would rather leave off and not write than to simply sit and write drivel of the "I don't have time to write so I'm not writing" variety. I leave it to you to work out that Bear isn't posting by the clear evidence that there are, in fact, no posts. Each one of you has struck me as being particularly sharp, on the ball, and otherwise 'with it', so I prefer not to insult your intelligence by attempting to explain to you what is patently evident. When I post, I put everything I have into it. Some of my posts fall flat, and some are better than others, but from my standpoint, so long as I have done my very best at putting my thoughts and feelings into words, it is a good post.

As I sit here, listening to 'Sunday Baroque' on NPR, snow is falling in heaps outside my window. I went out this morning to shovel the vehicles out and to try to create a path to the front house, but as fast as I shovelled, the paths were being filled in. Nature is much better, it would seem, at dropping snow than I am at removing it. I therefore (wisely, in my studied opinion!) decided to come back inside and curl up in my computer chair and just write till I'm done. Elysia (who is Marcheline) made up a wonderful pot of choclatey (choclatie?) coffee, and we both sat down at our respective desks and began to think and to write. So, I have Baroque music floating at me from one side, and the sound of her keyboard tapping wafting from the other... this is great!

At work, I have been busting my ass, and getting a lot of things done. Apparently, the bosses have taken notice, and have let me know. This is pretty cool, I think, and certainly beats the hell out being crapped on or getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick or slapped in the belly with a wet sea bass!!

I have noticed a somewhat curious trend of late; People that I don't know very well, or who I don't really know very much at all, for that matter, have been approaching me with rather metaphysical or philosophical questions.. maybe some examples are in order; One of our customers had been diagnosed with cancer. They found a mass in his pancreas and gave him a few months to live. He approached me, and asked me whether I would walk with him for a few minutes, so I walked with him. He wanted to know whether I could tell him what would happen to him after he died. I knew for a fact that he didn't share my religious beliefs, (few people do...), so I was a little bit uncomfortable answering his question. I figured that honesty was the best policy in this case, so I told him exactly that; that I was fairly sure we didn't share religious beliefs or philosophies, and that I wasn't sure that my answer to him would be very much of a comfort. He explained that he would very much like to hear my answers, or my opinions to be more accurate, since I don't actually have any answers... and so we talked. He began to cry and he hugged me (which is passing strange in and of itself.. this guy, and most of my customers for that matter, are contractors; construction workers - they don't cry, and they certainly don't hug! But, there it is... in the end, we are all simply human, and have to face one of the most difficult realities of all; that we must all die completely alone.. nobody can die for us, or with us. In the end, we are, each and every one of us, completely and utterly cut off from the rest of humanity in this respect. The fact that each and every one of us will similarly share this experience in our own time, is, I think, not a great comfort in such times... I don't quite know what is. Other than to say that others have gone through this change, and that it is simply that... a change...) and thanked me and went home. That was the last time I ever saw him in this world, and I still don't know whether my answers were of any help to him whatsoever.

The next time this happened, the querant also happened to be a customer, who had been diagnosed with throat cancer. He had a tracheotomy, and it was difficult for him to speak. He was still working at the time, because he didn't really see any reason to not try to continue his life as best as he could. He basically pulled me aside, and explained that he had three kids and a wife, and that he had three months to live and didn't know what would happen to him. I told him, truthfully, that I really had no idea either... he said that I must have some idea, and I asked him why he felt that this would be so... His response startled me. He said, "Well, you used to be a monk or a priest, or something like that, weren't you?!" I gaped at him for a few seconds, spluttered for a few more, and finally asked him where on earth he had heard that I had been a monk! He said he hadn't actually heard it anywhere, but that he had just assumed that I was because of the way I was (curiously, I have heard various versions of this from too many different people for me to completely dismiss it as nonsense. They are perceiving something that is fostering this belief, though I can't say that I have any idea what, specifically, it could be. For those of you who have met me, you can understand why I find this to be baffling. For those of you who have not, I lean towards a grab-ass, irreverant type of humor, and have been told that I am somewhat direct, if not entirely blunt, in my contact with others. This is not to say that I am insensitive, I am not. I am just, in my own opinion, much more worldly than, say, a priest or a monk. I speak from experience on this, having spent a great deal of time around both during my lifetime. Monks, priests, imams, abbots, ministers, and other religious adherents and leaders, actually... perhaps it has 'rub off' on me in some visible way.. I don't know). This actually made me laugh, and I asked whether it was use of the word 'Shit' or the word 'Fuck' that mostly clued him in... at this point, he laughed at my joke, then sobered a bit, and said that none of that had anything to do with it... he explained that he didn't really go to church, and that he wasn't really a religious person, but that he knew that he could die at any moment, and that he just wanted to talk to someone about it. I told him that I wasn't a priest and that I didn't really have any answers, but that I did happen to be a human being, and, as such, most likely shared a great deal in common with him, and that I would be happy to listen to him, and to talk with him. He told me about his kids, and how he felt when they were born, and how much he would miss them. He told me that he loved his wife, and how it was hard for him to imagine that he would never swing a hammer, or see the sunshine, or feel a breeze again. He wanted to know what came next, if anything... or if this was it for him. He began to cry, and I simply stood there with him, sharing the moment with him, sharing the grief with him, and let it take its course. He told me that it wasn't fair, and I agreed, but pointed out that we all get the same thing: a lifetime. We are born, we live, and we die. How much time this takes is anybody's guess. I told him that at that moment, he was still alive, and that until he actually did die, that he would remain so, unless he chose to be, or to act otherwise. I pointed out that since he seemed to be most concerned with missing his family, that perhaps the wisest course would be to spend some quality time with them and to make the most of whatever time he did have. At this he looked at me quizzically for a moment, then he stopped crying, nodding to himself as though he had accepted my point. I spoke with him, we walked, and he hugged me and went on his way. I was a little shaken, but I felt that I had done my best, and that I had certainly done what he had asked of me... I listened, and I shared my beliefs and opinions. What I did not do, was to provide any answers. I haven't seen him in a few months, now... and I can only wonder whether he has changed and moved on from this world. I don't know what, specifically, made him feel that he could talk to me about such weighty matters, but I am both glad and not glad about it at the same time. Glad that he felt that he could talk to me, and not glad because it is more of a responsibility than I really think I can handle. But, I was the person that he approached, so the responsibility was mine whether I asked for it or no... Of course, it may be that the dying approach everyone with these questions, in hopes of hearing an answer that will ease their passing... much as a child who is late for dinner will ask every passerby what time it is, in hopes of receiving an answer that will lessen the amount of trouble they get into with their folks ("I asked someone what time it was, and they told me it was only......!").

It has happened over and over again with other people, not always regarding death, but sometimes regarding other issues... often very personal issues, and I am at a loss to come up with any explanation as to why they choose me. I suppose it is what it is.

I can feel and see that there have been some rather drastic changes in me on an internal level over the past year or so. I see things differently, and I feel things differently. I am much calmer, which says a great deal because I have always been a relatively calm person. I am much more at peace with situations as they are. I tend to accept whatever difficulties present themselves to me with some degree of equanimity. Well, with a great deal of equanimity, actually. I don't think that this would be an answer to this conundrum, however, as most folks aren't around when I am responding to these sorts of things, and in any case I don't think it is a visible response.

There is either something about me of late that has beckoned to these folks who are in need, or, this is a common human experience that has finally found its way to my doorstep. So, on the one hand, there is something soothing and pleasant about me that people seek out, which would make me happy, and on the other hand, I have finally found a way to stop being completely fucked up and others are taking notice... which, I guess, should also make me happy......... or something.

In any case, It is what it is. The point of this long, drawn out soliloquy is that, for whatever the reason, people are seeking me out of late with some rather difficult questions regarding life, death, existence, relationships, lonliness, purpose and god knows what else. Since they are asking, it has pushed me and encouraged me to think about these things... and in all honesty, the more I think about it, the less I really know. I used to think I was pretty settled on these areas of thought, but now the pot has gotten all stirred up and I have been turning these things over in my mind. It is chiefly because I have been preoccupied with these thoughts that I have neglected writing, I think... more so than because I have been overly busy, though that is certainly true as well.

Where I am going with this, is that I am starting to feel a definite calling towards this vocation. Not that I want to run off and enter a monastery or anything... I don't. I am very, very happy in my present life. But I do feel a need to pursue certain avenues that would better equip me to consider these questions... these very human questions, regarding life, death, the mysteries of our existence, and our apprehension of the divine. Since I am not a follower of a faith of either Abrahamic or Dharmic origin, however, this makes my path a difficult one, since I do not know of an existent seminary or similar institution. I have, however, found a small number of religious orders who provide a meaningful course of instruction which ultimately leads to ordination. I have begun a process of applying to one of these religious orders in hopes of pursuing this goal. This is not a cult, nor would it significantly change my current lifestyle or, honestly, make any visible outward change in my demeanor, personality, or way of dealing or engaging with other people. It would be an entirely internal path that I would be following, which would, I believe, both assist me in defining some clear cut spiritual goals for myself, and would give me both an added spiritual resource, as an oath-bound ordained member of this particular religious order - specifically to the minds and writings of other members of the order who have preceeeded me on a similar path, and who, presumably, have also contemplated these same difficult questions, and it would also, in some small way, validate my qualifications to counsel others in such questions. On a personal level, this accords with me in a great way, and even though it is, as any outward manifestation of the mystical or spiritual must be, of human invention and thusly, at least in part, artificial or delusory in some part. Nevertheless, it is an outward affirmation of what has been going on inwardly for quite some time. After all, a religious experience is something that is an intensely personal experience, and which cannot, in any quantifiable way, at least, be communicated to others accurately and faithfully. At best, it can only be approximated.

In any case, I am at the earliest stages of my application and petition for membership, and am currently being investigated by the order to determine whether or not I am an appropriate and acceptable candidate for membership. It is a long and rather difficult path, should I be accepted, and will take a great deal of work on my part before I would ever be prepared to be ordained, or, for that matter, before I could ever hope to meet the strict requirements for ordination. I don't pray to either be accepted or denied entry, as I trust that the proper course of action will reveal itself in its own way and in its own good time.

I will most likely only speak of this this one time. Just to share in this one instance something that is very close to my heart, and, I believe, to be a wonderful turn in my life.

This doesn't mean that I will suddenly start to preach or to proselytize in any way. This is not a part of my religious belief, and I don't do it.

You will have noticed that I have assiduously avoided naming or identifying precisely what the order, or my particular religious belief happens to be. I have done this deliberately, because, on one hand, it doesn't, or shouldn't, matter. And on the other, I would prefer to simply leave it as it is and let you fill in the blank spots in whichever fashion you feel most comfortable doing so.

If I were pressed to define my belief system here, I suppose the best definition would be that I am "A professional invigilator of living spiritual mysteries as expressed by Celtic cultural forms". That is the best that I can do under the circumstances, I think.

On the word 'invigilator or invigilate':

in·vig·i·late
Pronunciation: in-'vi-j&-"lAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -lat·ed; -lat·ing
Etymology: Latin invigilatus, past participle of invigilare to stay awake, be watchful, from in- + vigilare to stay awake -- see VIGILANT

Suffice it to say that there is nothing in the scope of my beliefs that would cause me to harm any other creature, or any object, for that matter.. nor to attempt to slant, or to change anybody else's set of beliefs, or to do anything that would be viewed as anything but compassionate, helpful, loving, accepting, life-affirming, and otherwise enriching. That, I think, is what is most important. For those of you who follow other pathways, I can tell you that I am comfortable with your chosen pathway, whether it be Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, Sikh, Native American, Indiginous to some other part of the world, Dharmic, Agnostic, or just about anything else, insofar as you are not causing harm to yourselves or to anyone else, or to the earth in the pursuit of those beliefs, and insofar as you are not judgmental of me and my chosen spritual pathway. I hope that those of you who do follow a particular religious or spiritual pathway can find it in your heart to be as non-judgemental in your views of me and mine.

In any case, I hope you will wish me well on my quest, whichever way it happens to take me. I am looking forward to it, am slightly apprehensive of it because I know it will take a great deal of work and brutal honesty and introspection, but mostly, I am gnashing at the bit in readiness to embark and let it take me wheresoever it will. It is my thought that in the end, I will be a better person for having done so, and that is a good thing, whichever way one looks at it. Whatever our reason for being put here, doing something worthwhile with the time that we have been afforded has simply got to be a wonderful thing!!

My last post was entitled 'My Brain'. Had it not been my first blognniversary, I suppose this post would have been necessarily entitled 'My Spirit', but, as it turns out, it IS my first blognniversary, and I am happy to be celebrating it, and hope to have many more!! I hope also that those of you who regularly read my blog, or, for that matter, those of you who pop by infrequently, will continue to read and comment and visit and that my writings will entertain you, cause you to laugh, or otherwise provoke you to think or consider things that perhaps you wouldn't have otherwise thought about or considered had you not stopped by. For the rest of you who do not read my blog, what the hell's the matter with ya! Get with the program!

Should anyone feel compelled, by what I have related here today, to now discuss with me some issue that is plaguing you, I can only tell you that I do not have any hard and fast answers, but that I would be happy to listen to whatever you would have to say, and that I will answer you honestly and bring to bear whatever small degree of wisdom my life experience has afforded me in an attempt to be of whatever assistance I can be. Who knows, perhaps I have once been where you are now standing...

So. I start my next year of Bear Tracks right here and now!! I am looking forward to lots and lots of Blognniversaries in the future, and I hope that you will all be there to share them with me!