'Line-Puppy' Diplomacy

Line Puppy - noun; "Line Infantryman, an infantry soldier, a grunt, a ground-pounder"

When I was a young Staff Sergeant, stationed in Korea at the U.S. Army Garrison-Youngsan, I had a close friend (who, by the way, remains one of my closest friends to this day) with whom I worked and hung around with quite a bit.

It was our custom to go to lunch together each day. On one particular day, we decided to go the NCO (Non -Commissioned Officer) Club for some chow.

On Yongsan, the NCO club that we patronized was located on North Post (Yongsan is divided by a major roadway into North Post and South Post) near one of the smaller gates, a pedestrian-only gate.

There is often foot traffic there, but no vehicles. Additionally, there isn't anything much in that area other than the NCO club.

I include this information because, on this particular day, as we approached the NCO club, we spied a General Officer, replete with an entourage of approximately 10 to 12 officers, ranging from Major to 2nd Lieutenant following him like ducklings following mama duck (some have also made a comparison to lampreys and remoras surrounding a shark...).

We both noticed that this particular general, who was dressed in his Class A uniform (the dark green uniform that is the military version of a business suit) with garrison cap (This piece of headgear is what Sgt Snorkel in the 'Beetle Bailey' comic strip always wears... it is fondly ((or, perhaps.. not so fondly...)) called a different name by most soldiers, a name that points out the similarity of the shape of the cap, with its rather unique folds and shape with a part of the female anatomy that most soldiers in fact *do* view with great fondness) happened to be wearing his garrison cap backwards.

The officer's version of this headgear has a gold metallic trim that ornaments the sedged edges of the cloth, as opposed to the enlisted version which is sedged in the same colored thread as the rest of the hat. The result of this is that it quite apparent from a distance when the headgear is not being worn properly... particulary when it happens to be on backwards. The fact that the four huge silver stars, the general's insignia of rank, are not in the front of his cruller where they belong, is also a rather obvious clue...

In the army, there is something called an 'on-the-spot correction'. Basically, everyone is required to follow each and every regulation when they are a soldier. This includes the wear and appearance of the uniform. The regulation that governs the wear and appearance of the army uniform; AR 670-1 also states that general officers may design their own uniforms. This means that a general can do whatever the fuck he pleases... he's a general!

It was also quite apparent, however, that this was not something that was done by design. This officer had simply put his headgear on backwards, and was walking around looking like a clown and making an ass of himself without realizing it. Nobody would want to be in this situation.

Now, it is part of the army subculture, specifically the subculture of the combat arms, meaning the branches of the army that actually do the fighting, to be sharp and tight and to follow regulations to the letter.

I started out as an Infantryman, a foot soldier... what most folks think of when they think of a soldier... you know; G.I. Joe, a rifleman... I had been an infantry sergeant, leading my own team, and then my own squad. I was a combat leader, and proud of it!

I had standards, and I adhered to them. Ranger standards!! (Which are very stringent, and very unyielding when it comes to following the rules). I was now assigned to an Army Special Forces unit, I considered myself to be one of the best of the best, and when I saw somebody who looked like a slob, or who was not wearing their uniform properly, or who was otherwise 'showing thier ass', I let them know about it. As diplomatically and quietly as possible to start with.. or as aggressively as the situation warranted, if the subject of the correction refused to make the appropriate correction.

I was a non-commissioned officer in the United States Army, a Staff Sergeant, and we NCO's run the day to day business of the army... seeing to it that each and every soldier do things the right way, and that everything is done properly and kept ship-shape. Any good NCO worth their salt felt exactly the same way. We make sure that everything is done the right way.. every time. Period. THAT is what an NCO does!

So. Here I am with Sergeant Mike, and here comes this general officer with his headgear on backwards, looking like a moron, and Sergeant Mike decides to challenge me, as we were both wont to do to one another (we took immense joy in placing one another in uncomfortable and awkward situations).

"Sergeant Bear, you don't have a single hair on your ass if you don't make an on-the-spot correction on that general officer!"

The gauntlet had been dropped...

What did I do??

What else? I picked it up and ran with it!!

Understand, now... this is an extremely dicey situation! Rub that general officer the wrong way and you can find your ass out of the army, busted down a few stripes, cleaning toilets for the next year, or god knows what... also, this is a General. He can do whatever he damned well pleases. He is under no obligation to wear his uniform properly... and if he were, a mere Staff Sergeant has absolutely no authority to enforce it!!

However! I have never known a general who achieved that rank by being a slob or a moron... the opinions of the lower ranks notwithstanding. They are sharp, and intelligent, and hard-charging as a rule, though many become quite removed from the soldier in the foxhole. The point here is that if I approach the situation with the proper level of diplomacy, any general officer will gladly and willingly comply with an on-the-spot correction.

The rub is that I was an infantry sergeant. Diplomacy isn't usually what first springs to mind when they think of us... maybe pig-headed, stubborn, aggressive, hard-nosed, tough, unyielding, or demanding... but diplomatic??? Not hardly. Most of us are about as diplomatic as a bulldozer going through a plate-glass window.

I was wearing a patrol cap on that day... the cap that looks sort of like a baseball cap, with a stiff brim. On the back of the Patrol cap was my name tag, on the lower hem of the cap, and above that, two 'cat's eyes' (luminous tape cut into geometric shapes to denote unit affiliation - for instance triangles with the point up may be Alpha Company, vertical rectangles could be Bravo Company, upside down triangles could be Charlie Company, and horizontal rectangles Headquarters company... or something.. the point is that they are pretty visible, day or night).

I turned my patrol cap around so that I, too had my headgear on backwards and continued marching towards the general and his entourage. Sgt Mike bravely crossed the street and got the hell out of the line of fire (Nice!).

As the general and I got closer, I snapped a salute and rendered the appropriate greeting of the day, "Good Afternoon, Sir!", I said, as cheerfully as possible.

He returned the salute automatically, as did his group of minions... saying, "Afternoon, Sergeant..." then, noticing that my patrol cap was on backwards he snapped, "Sergeant!"

"Yes sir?"

"Do you know that your headgear is on backwards?!", he demanded.

"Yes sir, I do!" I replied.

"YOU DO!!??!!", he asked, obviously indignant at my temerity.

"Yes sir!", I repeated. Standing at attention. Hat on backwards, probably looking for all the world like a complete and utter horse's ass.

"Any particular reason, Sergeant??", he asked.

"Yes sir, there is, sir. I am simply following your example, general. Your headgear is on backwards as well, sir, and I wanted to bring it to your attention without being rude. Sir."

He stared at me for a few seconds, then reached up and fingered his headgear. Removing it, he looked at it for a few seconds, then turned to the group of officers that were walking with him. "MAJOR!" he barked. "Sir?" replied one of the officers, who was sporting the gold leaf clusters that marked him as the target of the general's attention.

"Do you think that even one of you assholes might have noticed that I had my goddamned headgear on backwards and let me know about it??!!"

"I, er... that is, um... well, sir.. it's just that..."

"Nevermind! I suppose I should just be damned thankful for good NCO's like Sergeant Bear, here!"


"Sergeant, that was by far the most diplomatic and well-executed on-the-spot correction that I have ever personally witnessed. Thank you!"

"Thank You, sir!"

"I see that you found your calling in Special Forces. They want people who can think outside of the box, yes?"

"Yes sir, they do."

He nodded, then... "Perhaps you can do me one additional service, Sergeant. We've been wandering around for twenty minutes trying to find the Navy NCO club, but none of my staff seem to know where the hell it is, or where the hell we are right now, for that matter. I don't know where the damned place is, either. We have to attend an awards ceremony at 1300 hours. Can you give us some directions??"

(** 1300 hours = 1:00PM)

I gave him directions, saluted again, and started to head off...

I was brought up short by the general's voice, "Sergeant!?"

"Yes sir?"

"Do I have to turn my headgear around again, or should I just tell you that your headgear is still on backwards??"

I gaped at him for a few seconds, feeling my ears begin to get hot with embarassment... until the general burst out laughing. I quickly turned my headgear around, saluted the general and his staff, and stepped off.

As it turns out, I apparently DO have a hair on my ass!!