The Scent of a Woman

While working a midnight shift a number of years ago, I noticed a vehicle driving behind a shopping center and decided to watch from a distance to see what the operator of the vehicle was doing in that location. Through my binoculars, I could see an elderly woman exit the vehicle and begin rooting through the dumpsters, extracting empty cans and bottles to turn in for the deposit money. "Ah... 'Land-Clammer'..." I thought... and, considering this particular type of denizen to be basically harmless, continued on with my business.

Not more than a few hours later, I happened to see this same vehicle behind another shopping center. I was on my way to something or another, and I simply continued on my way.

Later on during my tour of duty, at approximately two or three in the morning, I saw the vehicle yet again. At this point, I decided to stop the motorist and have a talk with them. I wasn't comfortable with an old woman wandering around behind shopping centers in the middle of the night for a number of reasons....

As the vehicle pulled out of the shopping center, I followed, and, after a short distance, I turned on the emergency lights on the police vehicle, and initiated a vehicle and traffic stop. The driver pulled over immediately, and after pulling the police vehicle up behind them, I approached the vehicle.

As I walked towards the car, I could see the motorist staring fixedly at me in the sideview mirror. Normally, this is a cause for heightened suspicion to a police officer. Accordingly, I moved a little closer to the vehicle in order to force the driver to have to turn further around in the seat in order to be able to aim a weapon at me with any accuracy (the plan being that it would afford me a split second more time to perceive and react to the threat, should one present itself...). I approached the driver's window and introduced myself;

'Officer' Bear: "Good evening, Ma'am. I'm Police Officer [Bear] of the [Department Name] Police Department. My reason for stopping you tonight is that I have observed you driving behind a number of shopping centers in the vicinity. To be honest with you, I am somewhat concerned for your safety. Do you live in the area?"

Motorist: "I....ah.... yes. Um, I mean... no.... ah... officer..... Is there a problem?"

'Officer' Bear: "Well, I just asked you whether you lived in the area, Ma'am, and you answered both 'yes' and 'no'... which one is it?"

Motorist: "Do you have to make a report about this, officer? I don't want any trouble..."

The woman looked very nervous, and didn't seem to be willing to answer my questions regarding her place of residence. This would naturally cause any street cop's level of suspicion to be raised a notch, and I was no exception. I decided to cut to the chase and avoid a long drawn out verbal dance which would only afford the motorist time to get her emotions all worked up, which I wanted to avoid.

'Officer' Bear: "Do you currently possess a valid New York state driver's license, ma'am? If so, where in the vehicle is it located?"

Motorist: "Um.. yes, officer... I do. It's in my wa... ah... in my pocketbook, I mean."

(???)

'Officer' Bear: "Where is your pocket book?"

Motorist: "It's on the floor over there in front of the passenger's seat, officer."

'Officer' Bear: "Would you get it please? Put the pocket book in your lap before you reach into it, okay?"

Motorist: "Why, officer? Is something wrong?"

'Officer' Bear: "I just prefer to maintain control of the movements of any person with whom I have a police contact for safety reasons. It keeps me safe, and it keeps you safe, and that's good for both of us, right?"

Motorist: "Uh... yes... of course..."

She took her wallet out of her pocket book, and extracted her driver's license. When she handed the license to me, I noticed that her hands were shaking. Noticeably. In an elderly person, this isn't unheard of, but she hadn't been shaking a few seconds before."

'Officer' Bear: "Why are you so nervous, ma'am? If you aren't doing something you aren't supposed to be doing, you have absolutely no reason to fear me, right?"

Motorist: "...... I, ah, mmmm, ah, errrrr, ah... will this be publicized officer?? Do you have to make a report? I'm not doing anything illegal am I?"

This woman was coming out of her tree, and I couldn't figure out why... I quickly scanned the interior of the vehicle for anything out of the ordinary... just bags of empty cans and bottles, some trash and other detritus, and not much else.... but..... something just wasn't right. I had flags going up all over the place, but I couldn't put my finger on it. She wanted me to go away, and she wanted to be out of here. I wasn't going to let that happen until I figured out what the hell was going on to make her so damned hinky around a cop. One would think that an old woman, all alone, in the middle of the night, in a relatively crappy area would be thrilled to see a cop... but she wasn't... there had to be more to this story... I wasn't going anywhere... and neither was she.

'Officer' Bear: "Nothing that I'm aware of, but, to be honest, you seem very nervous when I would think that you would be happy to see a police officer so late at night, and you all alone behind shopping centers. Most reasonable folks would find that to be a little strange, don't you agree?"

Motorist: ".... I just don't... I.... "

As she was stammering and searching for a suitable answer to my question, I glanced down at the driver's license in my hand. The first name was clearly a male name, like George, or Michael, or John, or Charlie... and the photo was of an elderly man. There was, admittedly, a resemblance, but the operator of the vehicle was a woman...

'Officer' Bear: "Is this your license, ma'am?"

Motorist: ".... .... .... .... yes."

I looked at the place on the license which denoted the gender of the license holder... male.

'Officer' Bear: "You are [I read off the name on the license]??"

Motorist: "...yes. "

'Officer' Bear: "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

She (He) began to cry... to sob, actually... I simply waited for it to pass. I knew something wasn't right, and before I let this person go driving off I needed to know that he wasn't a danger either to himself, or to anybody else.

Motorist: "I....okay.. I'm so sorry for trying to deceive you, officer. I'm so embarrassed.... it's not what you think...."

'Officer' Bear: "I don't actually 'think' anything... I'm waiting for you to tell me whatever it is that you want to tell me. I'm not judging you at all, though, just so you know. It isn't my job or my function to make moral judgements. I just want to know that you are okay, and that everyone else is okay. Just so we understand one another."

Motorist: "I'm not a transvestite or anything, officer... I...." He began sobbing again... and I quietly waited for him to regain his composure. After a time, he continued, "Do you have to report this?"

'Officer' Bear: "Not necessarily, no."

Motorist: "You see, officer. I was married to a woman that I was very much in love with for over 50 years. She passed away 2 years ago, and I've been all alone for the first time since we were married. I just... ah... I miss her... so much, you see... and, I could smell her scent on her clothes... I began to hold one of her dresses, just so that I could get to sleep, you know? Eventually, I started to wear her clothes, but only in the house... It made me feel close to her... I.... I'm just so very lonely.. I know that this is strange, I'm not even sure how it ended up going this far... I started wearing her clothes from time to time out of the house... I.... I.... I just don't know what to do without her... I love her so much.... Please don't let this go public... please?? I'm not hurting anybody... I've never hurt anybody... I would never do anything to hurt anyone or anything.... I'm just very small man... an old, crazy small man.. who has lost his way.... I'm sorry officer... I know it must seem very strange to you... but it isn't strange like you think... ... ... am I in a great deal of trouble??"

'Officer' Bear: "No, sir. You aren't. You aren't in any trouble at all. As far as I can tell, you haven't broken any laws at all, and as far as what you are doing being strange, well... I have to admit that its a new one on me, but, you have apparently taken a pretty big hit with the loss of your wife, and I imagine you are groping for some way to deal with such a huge loss. I'm not sure if this is the best way available to you, but it isn't my place to tell you what you should do in this instance. I would suggest a grief counsellor, perhaps... or, if you are a church goer, maybe a clergy member. Honestly, I don't know. Some people seem to find comfort in talking things out. In any case, I hope you are able to find some peace, my friend. Here's your license. You're free to go. My chief reason for stopping you was concern for your safety, okay? I don't want to be the one to find you back here if something bad happens. Maybe it would be better to do this early in the morning, or in the early evening or something, alright??"

Motorist: "You aren't going to report me?"

'Officer' Bear: "To what end? You haven't done anything wrong."

Motorist: "But.... I'm dressed up like a woman!!"

'Officer' Bear: "Yeah. I couldn't help but notice that..... don't sweat it, my mom does the same thing... Have a nice night, okay?? Get home safe."

Motorist: "... ... Thank you, Officer. You're a good man. I'll think about what you said... the counsellor. I'm not sure if it will help, but maybe I'll try."

'Officer' Bear: "Whatever it takes to get you through the day, you know? Take Care."

Motorist: "You too. Thanks again. Goodnight."

He drove off, and as I drove around the empty streets, I couldn't help but think about this very strange little old man, and the terrible sadness that he must be feeling. To live with someone for fifty years, to have a loving companion by your side for eighteen thousand two hundred and fifty days and nights, and then to suddenly be heartbreakingly alone... I guess it would drive anybody to act strangely. I don't particularly understand the whole dressing up thing, but I can completely understand wanting to smell the scent of his wife on her clothing. I felt for this poor man. There wasn't a thing I could do to help him, other than to reassure him that I at least would not judge him.. regardless of what others might do. In the years since this encounter, I have often turned my thoughts to him, and wondered whether he found any closure, or whether he eventually crossed over and is back with his wife, wherever she may be.

The thought of being left alone should anything ever happen to my wife is perhaps the greatest fear that I have. I don't know how I would handle such a loss, or what effect it would have on me. Naturally, I hope never to be forced to have to find out.

We are, in reality, each and every one of us, when it all comes down to it... alone. Sure, we walk alongside one another for some period of time, if we are lucky enough to find somebody to share our journey, but, we all come into this world alone, and we all leave it alone. Nobody can do this for us... we have to do it for ourselves. I suppose that makes it all the more important to try to make the best of the time that we have on this earth, with the ones we love the most. Who knows when our time together will come to an end, right?